I will follow you now wherever you go May 3, 2010

Today when I was going to the grocery store, I was thinking about how relieved I’ll be to just be out of this town.  There’s a sense of heaviness, an comfortableness and an anxiousness I have being here.  I don’t want to be bothered by anyone I may run into.  I don’t want to see the same people and the same places that I know will be stuck here, just as I have been for so many years.  I don’t think of myself as “better” than anyone here – it’s just not enough for me.  I don’t have anything to contribute to this town and it has nothing to benefit me anymore.  There’s no work (there hasn’t been for years), there’s no real happiness or anything that keeps me rejuvenated.  When I was alone, I just had myself and my writing and my “work” to keep me company.  Then I had to live the same boring life here because I was stuck and even though I couldn’t stand doing the same things I did for so many years, I did them.  There was nothing else to do.  I wouldn’t say that I’ve been happy here.  Yes, I have good memories of times with my friends from the near and recent past.  But no, I was not really happy.  Not until I met my mister.  It’s amazing how the window is opened and a whole new way of living is introduced.  It’s the most wonderful, most treasured gift I’ve ever been given in this life – to be with my mister.

Soon he will be with me, then soon after I will take the cat and go to be with him.  It’s so exciting to have such a goal and such things to look forward to.  I want to write in here just to gush over how great it all is.  I will have the life I am supposed to have with the man I am supposed to live my life with.  I understand now how life can be happy.  I understand why people smile and are care free.  I understand why people want to live their lives.  Love is such a miraculous and essential part of living.  I’m so eternally grateful that I found that out and that I have it to cherish.

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But it goes straight to message April 24, 2010

I didn’t want my blog to be about complaints.  I am a very happy person and I do not have any intention in being mean or hurtful to someone.  Therefore my blog has to be a place to make my soliloquies.  On one hand I want to be public in my outrage, but on the other hand I don’t want to take the time to bother with demonstrating how much my ex friend sucks.  And she does.

I have received the second of 2 failed attempts for her to get a response from me on Facebook.  Today, I figured out how to block her.  Unfortunately I cannot do the same for the random text messages I get on holidays about how much she “loves” me (without paying a $4.99 monthly fee to AT&T.)  I blocked her from my email last {looks at old blog posts} last October after telling her she was not nice to me and I couldn’t have that in my life anymore.  I never said anything else to her since then.  Yet she still continues to send me random crap like this that I explain into terms of truth over selfishly blinded, empty words:

Subject: 10 years  {rolls eyes}  Ten years since what?  Since I started going out and drinking?

I just wanted you to know that I am glad you are doing well.  You saw my comment on Facebook or someone told you what I’ve said.  Either way, no I serious doubt you are glad I’m doing well without you being around.  I’m doing extremely well and that is because I am no longer exposed to your negative, bitter, complaint ridden drivel nor your excessive use of me as a “friend” so you could have me to do errands for you every do often.

I miss our friendship and I would love if you could give it another try.  You miss me not doing crap for you.  You miss me not being around when you feel like complaining about someone or yelling at someone or gossiping about someone.  It drives you crazy that you don’t have any part of my life so you can give some kind of snide, rude and thoughtless comment about it.  H-E-double hockey stick NO!  You think that I am the bad guy and I need to know that you still “love” me and forgive me when all I want to do is keep your selfish, self-centered, abusive, manipulative and user junk out of my life.  Have someone else do errands for you like feed your dogs, get water for you at the club, make CDs and DVDs for your family, take you places when your husband won’t (and just telling me that I would do it, no asking involved) and the other 900 things you wanted me to do for you all while telling me every. single. day about how you “feel like s*&$” because you have a migraine, a sniffle, feel dizzy, knee hurts, it’s too cold, it’s too hot, etc. etc. Do you ever listen to yourself?  No apparently not and you don’t listen to anyone else either, otherwise you would have gotten the message when I told you over six months ago to leave me the heck alone.  I don’t care how much you think I need to do for you.

Our 10 year friendship deserves more than this abrupt ending.  Yes, because you are very, very important and I am treating you badly.  We had not been close friends for years.  You are full of b.s.  Step out of your little world for a minute if you have the common sense to do so (which I highly doubt you do) and think that I seriously, honestly, genuinely do not want you in my life at all.  I don’t want you to know anything about me because you would never have anything nice to say about it in person or behind my back.  I know how you treat everyone else – you bad mouthed them to me 1 zillion times and spent your days at work gossiping about people you didn’t even know. 

I would settle for just being facebook friends.  Hhmm, let’s see.  I’ve had this account for over a year and I added everyone I wanted to stay in contact with in one swoop, I’ve ignored your friend request when you saw me comment on someone else’s post and now you want to send me a message about how important 10 whole years of knowing someone because you use to work with my friends from high school so we can be Facebook friends so we can stay in touch and you can know all about my life. Yeah, sound good?  NO!  And use a capital letter once in a while, would ya?  You’re a teacher for crying out loud!

: o )  Are you 12?  What’s up with the cutesy round nosed smiley?  FAIL.

I am never on this much anyways.  That’s because you “can’t stand computers” and you don’t know how to use them and sit and scream at your husband to fix it every time you try to boot it up.  Good.  Stay off the stupid site and stop stalking me.  You suck!

Hence my action to “block” her from being able to see my information which I should have done to begin with.  I had anxiety about her trying to contact me, I still worry about having her fake self try calling me or seeing me out somewhere and trying to talk to me.  I guess she really thinks that I need her or something.  Poor girl.  I really do feel bad for her because she is going to live her whole life like this unless she gets a serious clue and starts going to a church that teaches her something useful other than routine.

Granted I was an angry, depressed, emotional wreck for years.  But that’s the thing.  I have the blessings of my mister and all that life I have received just by putting myself in check.  I love him and I understand what love really is.  I have happiness because I’m not angry and bitter and nasty to people (or I at least have the understanding that I can’t be that way and be happy.)  I scraped all that old junk off and really let go and let myself understand that God wants so much more for my life than the piddley crap that I use to think was important.  Once you become aware and once you grasp happiness and peace and love you will make sure you never, ever let it go.  I absolutely refuse to let anyone or anything worm in my way and try to infest my life in a poisonous way like that again.  Thank God for the ability to have a wonderful, happy life with a nice, amazing, caring and sweet person to share it with.

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Basic space, open air April 4, 2010

Before bed time comes, I will update the blog so I won’t have to feel like I’m putting it off yet again.  Granted each day I feel like I should be giving up on this entirely because it can be construed as simply a space to complain.  Sort of an unproductive space rather than one that produces benefits.  But still, I think it does do me well to have this boxed in slate to type down some words that I don’t want to necessarily keep to myself and yet not necessarily let a bunch of people to see.  It’s just something to keep up – a project with limitations and expanses.

So what I wanted to comment on mainly today was how my life is so nice these days.  I am so excited for the future and each day I just concentrate on how nice it will be when the life I know that is waiting for me will come to fruition.  I’m being patient but I do wish I could pick up and leave right now.  I’ll see my mister before long and that is all that matters.  I miss him so much.

And because it’s Easter and a time to celebrate happy times, my ex friend decided to send, yet another, “I love you and miss you text” that made me disgusted.  Now, while it may seem that I’m being rude, I know it’s a ploy so I don’t respond.  Words without meaning are easy to see right through.  Actions, knowing and intuition are truth.  I know she has no real interest in being a real friend to me – it’s merely to show her family and friends who know I’ve not spoken to her to think that I am the “bad” guy.  I told her she treats people badly and I didn’t want her negativity, anger and criticism in my life anymore.  You would think she would have gotten the point by now.

Anyway, so that’s one thing I won’t miss around here.  That and the random knocking on my door by drunken strangers in the middle of the night.  The pit bulls without a lease.  The problems this nation is going through.  There’s so much that I can do without around here.

Six or so more months…

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A place in a home that is safe and warm March 21, 2010

I’ve been sick for days and this is the first normal, productive act I’ve done since last week.  I had food poisoning, or the flu, or something equally as retched and now I’m almost 100%.  Still just tired all the time and that started early last week.  I should have known it was coming on.  I didn’t want to go to the gym, didn’t want to do any work, etc.  Now I know why.  I had to skip teaching one day because of how bad I felt.  It was for the best – no way I could have made it.  The driving alone would have been difficult.

While I was cooped up here alone doing nothing, I felt even more alone in this place.  I mean, seriously, it’s not natural to have no place to go and no one to talk to each day.  I mean, yes, I talk to my mister, but having him in the same home is completely different.  There’s a comfortable feeling that there’s actual living going on.  I don’t feel like a ghost or stuck in some day dream when I’m with him.  This is why my move is such a blessing – this is not the place I need to be.  I’ve known that for some time. 

So while I am waiting to recover, I’ll post this little update just to say I did.  I keep thinking I’ll keep updating twice a week but I just don’t.

I haven’t written, haven’t read, haven’t done anything but get a jumpstart on my diet.  I can’t eat much so that’s helped me shave a few pounds off.  So if I can keep up the lack of overeating (and I know I’m doing that out of boredom too) then I can get back to a ballpark weight that I’m more content with.  I ordered CDs:  Kasabian “West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum”, The XX “The XX”, and The White Stripes “Under Great White Northern Lights”.  I’ve watched a lot of television (there’s nothing on in the daytime;  if you ever want to know what you’re missing while you’re at work, don’t worry anymore.  There’s nothing interesting going on while your home except chat shows.)

Before I got sick I’d finally started writing (for myself only) a bunch of things I wanted to get off my chest about my former friend.  It helped a lot because I know nothing I have said will stay on my mind.  Once it’s out and expressed, even just for my own peace of mind, then it doesn’t have any bearing over me.  I was also getting myself ready for mister to be here and for me to be moved out.  I have a little over six months before I go and I am a pack rat so there’s a bunch of stuff I have to either donate or throw out.  I still think I should just have the moving van take my things to my parents’ house up north and keep my things I may want to take back slowly but surely (books, notebooks, etc.) in storage in town.  Again, it’s a big, wonderful project and I’m so thankful to have it.  I can keep my sanity knowing I’m getting out of this static state.

It’s raining quite hard out right now and I’ll lounge about on the couch some more as I’ve been doing all weekend.  The air this week has been so fresh and nice.  Spring is surely here. 

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Looking down at the crumbs on the ground March 2, 2010

In my classes, I’ve been talking about how when an author uses a clear blue sky, it’s supposed to represent clarity of conscious, being open minded, accepting God’s grace, hope, new life and opportunity.  It won’t be long until my mister is here with me for a bit.  Then as soon as I can get myself sorted and moved, I’m out of here.  It’s not a place you want to make your life permanent;  not that I can see.  It’s a visiting place or a stopping point.  It’s been fine and I like it but there’s so much more out there (and absolutely nothing here to keep someone interesting in keeping up residence).  So each day I’m itching more and more to get out.  I’m bored beyond belief most evenings and it’s to the point I get so listless and feel defeated.  I spent hours in bed the other day, just to get Monday going so I could work and have something to do.  I definitely need to move.

So, until then, I’m trying to get this cat passport stuff organized but the vet’s have already given me a couple of hindrances.  First of all, they didn’t tell me to not feed the cat after midnight before he got his blood test done.  Now I have to go through that whole painful event of getting him into the cage and to the vet’s.  It’s traumatic on both of us (plus my pocket book.)  Then I’ve sent in forms that I got online that is for the EU Pet Passport and the blood test and the vet’s verification, etc.  Some of those things ask for the cat’s microchip number and the vet’s signature.  I forwarded those to the office in email, thanked them profusely for their help and bother they have to go through.  But last night I got an email with, “no, don’t send us these, just bring what you need in.”  Um…did you even look at the forms where it says “must be typed and printed by the vet”?  I’m not putting my whole trust in this office crew that they will do what I know needs to be done.  All I can do is my part;  research what papers need to be in order and stay on top of the vet’s to make sure it’s done properly.  I’m not trying to be overzealous or pushy but this is my life and my money I’m spending to undertake this whole thing.  Having a cat sitting in quarantine at an airport 4 hours away from home is not something that I want.

Ah, home.  Isn’t it a nice word?

I’m glad that it will be a place where I can work full time for more than the compensation for Unemployment (and that’s for a Master’s Degree to teach at a state college, by the way).  I’m glad that it will be somewhere I can spend my days and nights with my mister instead of trying to keep my brains occupied with reruns on television.  I’m glad that I can be away from this place I have no attachment to anymore.

Anyway, aside from the pet rigmarole I ordered a couple of books on journaling (I’ve not been reading as much as I could be but the daily hard cover journal I’m at least keeping up with in small paragraphs most days.)  I now have Time to Write to Yourself and The Many Faces of Journaling.  I know the descriptions make it seem as if it’s a self healing process that needs to be learned.  I’m just interested in getting ideas and seeing what other people write in their journals.  I’ve always been interested in novels that are written that way and that type of narration in movies and television.  Since I’m interested in it now and want to read about it, I may as well encourage the habit.

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She keeps on waiting for time out there February 20, 2010

As I sit here in the dark at 10PM, not doing anything productive other than typing in this blog, I’ve assumed a sense of complete stagnancy in my life here.  Today, I was driving with my mother around town and I just all of a sudden realized, “Oh yeah, I really am alive, and really driving this car and really living here…even though it doesn’t feel like it.”   It’s harder and harder to keep on being here and I cannot wait to get the heck out.  Not because I am angry and mad about where I live, it’s just nothing real.  I don’t feel alive.  I feel like I’m in Lost, in an alternate dimension where my real self is somewhere else.

So as I’m trying to get to my somewhere else, where my real life will be lead, I’ve run into a couple problems.  First of all, you can’t take a pet on any air carrier out of any city you dang well please.  And if you live in Florida, you can’t bring the pet over during the summer.  Completely crazy.  So now I have to figure out how to get this cat over there.  I don’t even know what city I can land on.  I don’t even know if he can go once his 6 months waiting period after his rabies test is up.  All I know is I am not going to wait any extra days or months if I can absolutely help it.  Aside from the fact that I can’t leave school in mid-term, I also don’t want to sign another lease or go without full time work any longer.  Not here.  Not on my own.

And that’s my update for today.  I’m still reading my journaling books and I’m still going to start putting together one with pictures but I just haven’t yet.  I’m keeping up with the regular daily one which I write in at the end of the day before bed.  I’ve figured out that I have to read and get myself sleepy before trying to sleep.  I’m always thinking of something else I could do before I sleep or getting up 12 times for random things before actually feeling that drift into sleep.  The being alone bit is more and more evident and it’s harder to feel comfortable when you want to be with the person who’s missing you too.  Each night I look around and think about packing up, driving to the airport and just leaving.  But I know I’ll get there.  This is just the waiting time.

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A diary means yes indeed February 6, 2010

So I’ve been writing more in my journals at home.  I’ve been reading about journaling and I’ve found that if I just sit and give myself time to write there’s plenty to say.  This week I’ve been kind of downcast as I could say.  It started with getting ready to go to a baby shower;  seeing old friends and knowing I had to be happy for the mother to be.  And I am but it made me feel a bit more lonely.  Me and my mister still live apart and while I know I’ll be with him soon, it’s still hard to be here day after day alone.  I’m bored of the television. I’m bored of Sims 3.  I was incredibly tired for my last class and I kept forgetting what I was trying to say to them.  I was grumpy and agitated with myself.  But I know I’ll get over it;  that’s the beauty of being past all the depression and knowing that being in a funk and worn down doesn’t mean you’ll be caught in a web of despair.  It is this time of transition that is hard some days.  I know where I’m going but I’m not there yet.  If I didn’t have to wait on the cat I’d be ready to take off in a few months.  I just want this nice, clean start and right now I’m in this empty flat all by myself.  I do the washing up, I read my books, I write, I do my homework, I grade papers, I get ready for class, I nap a lot but none of it is the same as having someone at home who cares about you.  I’m ready for that.  The only excitement I have is knowing my life will be with him – the rest of this is the equivalent of a tacky magazine that I can read while sitting in a waiting room.  The key is to just wait well and my time to get to where I’m going will come.

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So I went to your room and read your diary January 31, 2010

I’m reading The New Diary which was written in 1978 and was revised in 2004.  Although I don’t have that revised copy, I’ve searched through it via Amazon, and I see nothing in the index about blogs or online journals.  That’s a whole section that could be included in the “Sharing” section.  For me, my blog is the type of stuff I can have read at a semi protected level.  Only my mister reads this, as far as who in my real life knows about it.  Well, people from years ago at the club knew about it but either said something derogatory (isn’t that what their job at that club was anyway?) or never read it at all (they were too busy with their own wailings in their own blogs.)

But that’s no matter, now I have a nice clean place to write things that I’d like to have seen, but only for a second.  Like I’m letting someone peer into my notebook.  And I do use a notebook for my journals.  (There’s a section in the book about what kind of journal to keep;  typed, notebook, locked book, etc.)  I gave up on those big, pretty leather bound things.  I mean, I should keep something like that for the important things in my life, but I can’t stand how you can’t just fold them over and write on the back.  Notebooks are so much easier and less fussy.  I won’t say they’re cheaper as a nice notebook with a hard cover is $4 and a leather journal is $7.  Not much of a difference.  Plus the notebook has bigger pages, nice wide ruled lines (if you can find them;  why everyone wants tiny collegiate is beyond me;  who writes that small?) 

I use to stand for hours, looking at all the journals and notebooks at the office supply store.  I gave up doing that too.  I’m not going to force myself to be fancy when the important part is to just write.  Plus, I have the electronic journal that I keep on my computer that I use for my book idea (finally started putting ideas down in logical, organized format today – I got stirred up and found something that needed to be put down.)  Now, I write when it needs to be done.  I’m not obsessed with just myself (or at least I’m trying to learn not to be so self-absorbed; my life is not my own anymore, thankfully.)  So writing isn’t an every day, crying out to be heard by someone sort of act.  Even Lesley Arfin said something about how a happy kid doesn’t keep a diary.  It’s true.  Unless we have something inside that needs to be expressed in any way other than normal dialogue, then it gets written.  Otherwise, our life goes on as it should – the external overshadows the internal.

But I understand the need for a journal, so the grandkids and whomever else may want to know what I thought of and what I wrote about back in the day.  If they look at this blog, they’ll see a ton of change too, which is my main point.  I like chronically my life;  I always have.  But I did from an emotional standpoint.  Now it’s a more productive, event type log of my life.  Maybe I do need a nice leather bound book for something like that.  {shrug}

I’m already looking forward to the move.  Ah, January is over and only a handful of months left until I’m where I need to be.  I function here.  I have moments of contentment.  But I feel that I’m somewhere else each day.  My heart is there with my mister so the rest of me sits around here like a ghost.  I spend my time the best as I can (except for today that was supposed to be about getting ready to teach tomorrow.)  He’ll visit me here in the summer and see my life here.  (Then he’ll really know why I need to get out.)  I have to wait a bit to get the cat all sorted with his paperwork so he can have his pet passport.  Then we’ll be out and I’ll be onto my life there.  It’s so exciting.  I think about (and read about) how I was and how my life was a few years ago and now, here I am; a wonderful reward has been bestowed upon me.  I’m eternally grateful.

Now I have to go buy a big leather journal tonight. 

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You know that I’m not scared to go home January 24, 2010

I’ve finished the second week of teaching and the first week my student classes has started.  The student classes seem fun for a change and the teacher classes are going well as far as I can tell.  However, I’ve noticed something that I’m going through quite obviously that I’m working through.  I’m defeating my fears one step at a time.  Well, I should say more that I’m learning to get past the fear easier.  I’ve always been afraid of new things or things which took me out of my same-ol-same-ol routine.  And before I just knew I didn’t have to go what I was afraid of.  I could avoid the situation all together.  But now I see how the fear is holding me back from doing what I need to do and I get past it each time and now the fear is more intense.

Before, fear was just an annoyance or an uncomfortable feeling.  Something that made me anxious or worried.  Now, when I have to do something that is causes fear, I completely choke. I get the thought in my head, “I can’t do this.  I won’t do it.  I just can’t.”  But I do it anyway.  I know I’ll do it.  I know I have to.  But before I get to the action and go through it all (miraculously), I completely panic beforehand.  Now, the plane, that was one thing.  That was fear of death.  This time it was something as simple as an evaluation at work.  But I’d had them before and remembered all the pain I went through caused by other people and I was afraid that I would be subjected to such torment again.  Actually, the fear isn’t in how people will see me, as I once thought.  It was a fear that I would fail myself.  That I wouldn’t be able to do something or be able to handle the situation. 

Yet it’s still very visceral.  I know it will all be fine, but the newness, the change, the knowing that I have to do this and it’s different;  that’s what causes the fear.  It’s like a caveman first seeing a space ship.  That newness and that unfamiliarity is petrifying.  So that’s what I’ve been working with myself to change.  The battle between me and my fears is timed just right as I go into my new, wonderful chapter of life with my mister.  I’m not afraid to be with him so everything else is minor.  But it all leads to where I’m going to be and nothing will stop me from getting there.  I think that’s why the little steps along the way make me scared.  I know the end result will be wonderful.

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Teacher thinks that I sound funny but she likes the way you sing January 14, 2010

This entry is a bit overdue, I realize.  I had a busy week, which is a good thing, but I need to make sure I’m stopping to write.  One of my New Year’s resolutions was to write each day and this blog needs periodic attention.  Usually I have plenty to say about anything that happens in my daily life.  I can write about writing if all else fails. 

But this week I went back to teaching so I’ll have a bit more to inspire me to write and, honestly, something to deter me from doing so.  I only have two classes and already I can see how easy it is to get very involved and take up days working on one lesson.  I’m glad for it though.  I’ve had so many times that I didn’t do well in my classes but now I’m even more determined to do my best.  I think I’ve done well so far.  The first day I got nervous and my voice shook (which is worse when you are visibly nervous and you are trying to hard to put on that essential cool, confident demeanor.)  But the second day I was myself and got through it fine (fine as in pretty good.)  I think it just takes me a little more time to get things;  or at least it did in the past.  Now I’m more willing to devote myself to something I know I should be doing.  Right now I need to be doing this, so I will work my best at teaching reading and writing.

I’m excited however, that this term proves the finale to my time here and then I’ll be moving on.  Winter is a perfect time to get prepared for a break in a 19 year old rut (that’s how long I’ve lived here – not in this apartment, but in this town.)  I look around here and think about how I can leave it behind without any hesitation.  Again, I know what I should be doing and where I need to go. 

Until then, I have to do the same old routine of taking care of just myself, but the work helps.  I’ll be taking my new classes (as a student) again next week, so that will give me plenty of things to occupy my time. 

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