As I sit here in the dark at 10PM, not doing anything productive other than typing in this blog, I’ve assumed a sense of complete stagnancy in my life here. Today, I was driving with my mother around town and I just all of a sudden realized, “Oh yeah, I really am alive, and really driving this car and really living here…even though it doesn’t feel like it.” It’s harder and harder to keep on being here and I cannot wait to get the heck out. Not because I am angry and mad about where I live, it’s just nothing real. I don’t feel alive. I feel like I’m in Lost, in an alternate dimension where my real self is somewhere else.
So as I’m trying to get to my somewhere else, where my real life will be lead, I’ve run into a couple problems. First of all, you can’t take a pet on any air carrier out of any city you dang well please. And if you live in Florida, you can’t bring the pet over during the summer. Completely crazy. So now I have to figure out how to get this cat over there. I don’t even know what city I can land on. I don’t even know if he can go once his 6 months waiting period after his rabies test is up. All I know is I am not going to wait any extra days or months if I can absolutely help it. Aside from the fact that I can’t leave school in mid-term, I also don’t want to sign another lease or go without full time work any longer. Not here. Not on my own.
And that’s my update for today. I’m still reading my journaling books and I’m still going to start putting together one with pictures but I just haven’t yet. I’m keeping up with the regular daily one which I write in at the end of the day before bed. I’ve figured out that I have to read and get myself sleepy before trying to sleep. I’m always thinking of something else I could do before I sleep or getting up 12 times for random things before actually feeling that drift into sleep. The being alone bit is more and more evident and it’s harder to feel comfortable when you want to be with the person who’s missing you too. Each night I look around and think about packing up, driving to the airport and just leaving. But I know I’ll get there. This is just the waiting time.