she knew she had to change her plans

More alive than you’ve ever been October 28, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 9:45 am

I’m sitting here, waiting for the Ares rocket to go up, and I figured I’d start this long, overdue blog post.  It’s hot and muggy outside and I can’t believe it’s almost Halloween.  I’m going to be so glad to move and be around some decent weather for a change.  (Actually, there are thousands of reasons why I’m glad to be moving;  this is just one of them.)

So what’s happened lately?  Well, a lot of things I guess.  There were plenty of things I wanted to mention in the times where I wasn’t writing, and of course I forget all they were now.  At first I thought I’d write to complain.  Then I thought I’d make another list.  I have no idea where this will go, but I’ll update nonetheless.

First off, I’m sick of dieting.  Sick of it because I’ve gotten to a weight I can’t get past.  Even if it looks like I’m going to drop a pound, it shows right back up by my weigh in day.  I’ve stuck to the Weight Watchers, I’ve exercised and yet I’m at a plateau.  I never had that problem before when I dropped all that weight.  But then again, I also didn’t have this 35 extra weekly points, plus exercise points to swap, like I do now.  I think eating 21 points a day and that’s it, is the only way for me to lose.  And that’s so annoying because I want to eat these days.  Before I could go without eating a lot, now I just can’t.  It’s like sleep;  I start getting worried that I won’t have enough of it.  So like in the afternoon I think, “Okay, I can eat something work 6 points” but then I think, “but in the afternoon I will only have so many points left and I’ll be hungry.  What will I do then?”  Goes the same way with sleep.  I’d go to sleep super early because I’d worry that I wouldn’t be able to get to sleep and then now have enough.  Plus my job was so ridiculously monotonous and boring that it would almost panic me to think I’d be tired on top of that.  Like a torture device;  being tired and not allowed to sleep.

Second, I had to stop talking to my friend.  Now I’ve been going on about how I’ve changed, and I really have.  So there was a lot of distance between us to begin with, because we’d both gone into different directions.  It wasn’t anything major, it was just the normal course of life.  At least that was how I interpreted it in my logical sense of things.  In all honesty, I was the one who was slighted first because I wasn’t working and she had all the time in the world for her work friends and never wanted to hang out and do things with me.  If she did, it was with her friends too, so clearly I wasn’t that important to just spend time with.  But the thing was, I’d known that girl for years through my best friend in high school.  When my best friend’s antics became increasingly worse and it started involving drugs and drinking the mental problems she had exploded and I had to stop being around her.  That’s how I started hanging out with my recent friend more.  And it was simply circumstantial.  We wanted to go to the club, we wanted to stay up and watch movies, it was a fine friendship. 

But the thing with me and my gal friends has always been that I know when it’s time to go in another direction.  I’ve never been the kind to put friends over a significant other (not that I had one during my twenties, but I never understood why women thought their friends were the lasting ones and guys would come and go;  isn’t that kind of backwards to the way things are supposed to be?)  Anyway, so as my friend found her husband she still had me come visit but it slowly became into something I knew wasn’t giving me anything back.  It just seemed like she would invite me over so she could ask me to do something for her.  Or, if she’d invite me over she would sit and yell at her husband, or me, or interrupt what anyone said to her, cussing at everyone, being condescending, barking orders, etc.  She never really acted like she wanted to spend time with anyone, she just though complaining and arguing was the way to behave.

So then I’d stop calling.  She would call twice a month, then once a month.  Every time she did, I’d come over, we’d watch TV, she’d tell me all her complaints about her husband or someone in her family or anything else that bothered her.  Then the next day or so, she’d call and ask me to do something for her.  So I finally accepted, after all these years of seeing the signs of manipulation and inviting me over around holidays, that she wanted me to do house sit or so something for her.  Just ridiculous things like that.  Again, I’d never ask her to do a thing, yet I was constantly called for “favors.”  So wrong.

When I met my Mister, I realized what kind of negative effects she had on me and I needed to be away from her to enjoy my courtship with him.  I didn’t want to be some angry, shouty, critical person.  I wanted to be the friendly, sweet person I knew I was inside (and who my Mister saw in me.)  When I started working, I realized that there were nice Christian people in the world who acted the way they should.  They didn’t shout, or criticize or expect you to do things for them all the time.  I ended up having people in my life who were kind and supportive and genuine.  I’d never really experienced that before.

When my friend wouldn’t call on Saturdays, I’d be relieved.  I’d text her and say, “no, sorry, can’t come over” and I just knew I wasn’t going to go over there anymore.  I eventually stopped talking to her, yet she’d still leave me voicemail asking if I could do something for someone in her family, or if I can come and take care of her pets because she and her husband wanted to go on vacation.  After I hadn’t talked to her and saw that this was her only urgency in wanting me as a friend, I knew the time for our fun and closeness was over and had been over for years.  When we’d first been around her, me and my high school friend saw these annoying traits in her.  Once I got to know her, I brushed them off and they weren’t as over the top.  Over the years they just progressed into more and more angry strife that no one wants to be around.  I felt bad for hurting her but I finally had to tell her that she was unbearable to be around anymore, to which she thought was ridiculous and out of the blue.  I know it’s hard to be confronted, and I told her I didn’t like doing it but I really hope it’s helped her marriage and her relationships with her friends at work.  All of us have said something to her at one point, but she just goes around contradicting everything anyone says, cursing at them and worrying about how they can serve her.  I only wrote her a short email and was as gentle as possible about making her aware of how she treats people.  I told her that she’s right, I’ve changed and for the better.  I don’t sincerely believe she didn’t realize I had pulled away from her completely and had for years, and that she never asked people to do anything for her.  I think it was all tricks of guilt and manipulation and, again, it’s strife and negativity and anger that I want no part of in my life anymore.

{wipes dust off of my hands}

Thirdly, I’m in my in-between time.  My changing point.  My waiting period.  I have my whole life with Mister to look forward to, but that won’t begin until next year.  Until then I go back and forth to work as they need me (right now they don’t need me.)  I also have my classes I’m still working on and I procrastinate so much on them and I know that has to stop soon too.  I’ve got to get that rebellious spirit out of me;  the one who doesn’t want to do things just because she has to.  But I’m so much better than I was, because of all this stuff going on in my waiting period.  I’m not depressed, I’m not angry or bitter.  All that junk I had carrying around with me is gone, thank God.  So all I can think of is how great my life is, even with Mister across the ocean, I’m happy.  And we have such a great future.  Wow, it’s just amazing, all of it. 

This is what I wanted in life.  I wanted that closeness with my life partner, my companion, my best friend.  That is the important part of life and having it is wonderful.