she knew she had to change her plans

She keeps on waiting for time out there February 20, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 11:27 pm
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As I sit here in the dark at 10PM, not doing anything productive other than typing in this blog, I’ve assumed a sense of complete stagnancy in my life here.  Today, I was driving with my mother around town and I just all of a sudden realized, “Oh yeah, I really am alive, and really driving this car and really living here…even though it doesn’t feel like it.”   It’s harder and harder to keep on being here and I cannot wait to get the heck out.  Not because I am angry and mad about where I live, it’s just nothing real.  I don’t feel alive.  I feel like I’m in Lost, in an alternate dimension where my real self is somewhere else.

So as I’m trying to get to my somewhere else, where my real life will be lead, I’ve run into a couple problems.  First of all, you can’t take a pet on any air carrier out of any city you dang well please.  And if you live in Florida, you can’t bring the pet over during the summer.  Completely crazy.  So now I have to figure out how to get this cat over there.  I don’t even know what city I can land on.  I don’t even know if he can go once his 6 months waiting period after his rabies test is up.  All I know is I am not going to wait any extra days or months if I can absolutely help it.  Aside from the fact that I can’t leave school in mid-term, I also don’t want to sign another lease or go without full time work any longer.  Not here.  Not on my own.

And that’s my update for today.  I’m still reading my journaling books and I’m still going to start putting together one with pictures but I just haven’t yet.  I’m keeping up with the regular daily one which I write in at the end of the day before bed.  I’ve figured out that I have to read and get myself sleepy before trying to sleep.  I’m always thinking of something else I could do before I sleep or getting up 12 times for random things before actually feeling that drift into sleep.  The being alone bit is more and more evident and it’s harder to feel comfortable when you want to be with the person who’s missing you too.  Each night I look around and think about packing up, driving to the airport and just leaving.  But I know I’ll get there.  This is just the waiting time.


Teacher thinks that I sound funny but she likes the way you sing January 14, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 2:30 pm
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This entry is a bit overdue, I realize.  I had a busy week, which is a good thing, but I need to make sure I’m stopping to write.  One of my New Year’s resolutions was to write each day and this blog needs periodic attention.  Usually I have plenty to say about anything that happens in my daily life.  I can write about writing if all else fails. 

But this week I went back to teaching so I’ll have a bit more to inspire me to write and, honestly, something to deter me from doing so.  I only have two classes and already I can see how easy it is to get very involved and take up days working on one lesson.  I’m glad for it though.  I’ve had so many times that I didn’t do well in my classes but now I’m even more determined to do my best.  I think I’ve done well so far.  The first day I got nervous and my voice shook (which is worse when you are visibly nervous and you are trying to hard to put on that essential cool, confident demeanor.)  But the second day I was myself and got through it fine (fine as in pretty good.)  I think it just takes me a little more time to get things;  or at least it did in the past.  Now I’m more willing to devote myself to something I know I should be doing.  Right now I need to be doing this, so I will work my best at teaching reading and writing.

I’m excited however, that this term proves the finale to my time here and then I’ll be moving on.  Winter is a perfect time to get prepared for a break in a 19 year old rut (that’s how long I’ve lived here – not in this apartment, but in this town.)  I look around here and think about how I can leave it behind without any hesitation.  Again, I know what I should be doing and where I need to go. 

Until then, I have to do the same old routine of taking care of just myself, but the work helps.  I’ll be taking my new classes (as a student) again next week, so that will give me plenty of things to occupy my time.


My heart keeps beating like a hammer. June 18, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 12:23 pm
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So I’m back from vacation. And being as I am with keeping things private on this blog, I’ll just say that I had a wonderful time. It was hard to leave and now I’m sitting here, back in Florida, with the heat, the allergy attacks, the boredom and the being alone stuff. Yup, my life is on its new direction; it just will take some more steps to get to the next path. I’m excited about it though. I truly am. You know, after waiting 30+ years for your life to finally have some meaning, you want everything to be sped up and begin all fresh and new immediately. But it takes time to shed the old skin and form a new one.

That’s been something I’ve really come to realize recently; how much change is necessary. Granted, the ones you love need to stay in your life, but situations, places, routines; they all have to be changed in some way or the other. I’ve had to let go of a lot of old junk, old friendships, old habits. It’s not to be mean to anyone, it’s just to be good to myself. I know where I’m going now and I feel very good about it, so not going out, not caring or complaining or worrying or blogging…that’s all unnecessary to me anymore.

But I still like my blog and I haven’t written in it for a while, so now’s the time to do so. I’ve lost my job again. Yeah, I know, the pattern is getting ridiculous. It’s because I can only find temporary work these days. And I know the whole change thing is fine, I just really liked my last job and the people I worked with so it was a downer when I was told that, more than likely, I wouldn’t be able to come back at all now. I was taking over for someone and then it looked like they were going to be going away again, so I was a candidate for re-employment after a short period of time. (Hence, I took my break, rested, relaxed and enjoyed my time away from the desk.) But when I went in to visit and show pictures from my trip, I was told that, nope, my position probably wouldn’t be available again. Oh well, back to the drawing board.

So I’ve started looking for jobs, yet again. Just like I did for a year before that job finally worked itself out. I’ve figured that all I can do is my best at applying and searching for work and when it shows up, it shows up. I can’t force employment. I’m not the only one in this situation right now and I’m certainly in a better position than some people are. At least, for right now, I don’t have a mortgage and kids. Going through an “economic crisis” with that going on; I understand how hard that must be, but at the same time, I’m glad it’s not me in that position. I have my family to help me out, Unemployment, school loans which paid last month’s rent and bills, and hope for employment in the near future.

So while I’m not working, and looking for work, I’m busy at my Librarian classes. I was thinking that I didn’t have any way to pay for classes if I didn’t work, or if I did work, I could only pay for one at a time and then it would take me three years (at least) to get finished. But, luckily I did get some financial aid loans (yeah, I know, even more loans).

But with my new classes, I have something to work toward each day. Otherwise I’d have nothing productive to do with my time. And day after day, without anywhere to go, or anything to do, that can make one feel completely detached to her surroundings; which is about where I am now. I don’t have much, other than my family, that I really care about sticking to anymore. It’s another part of the change in my life; I’m going to move out and move on soon and this time in between is a bit stagnant. And it’s the knowing that I’ll get there and the knowing I belong there that helps me get through this time here.

My library classes for the term are a bit of a bear, just because it’s summer and everything is crammed within a shortened semester. But, again, it gives me that push to do something each day. There’s a lot of reading to my core class and the electives class still has to get going (we’ve just gone through the introductory week) to see how much of a workload I’m looking at for each week. I’ve been assigned a “professional” blog too, which I started. It’s in lieu of a research paper, which is a cool concept, so each week I have something to post, something to modify, and relevant blogs to research. So since that little beauty is up and running, I think I’ll use that for my “professional” site after this class is over. Then I can write details about the work and training aspects that I have going.

Now, with all the basics covered, and the blog all updated and themes changed, etc. I think I’ll close my post for now. Who knows, maybe I’ll post more often. I know I have the time on my hands, it’s just all in the desire to write in this kind of style. The need for the blog comes and goes. Even my need for writing has diminished in many ways because of my feelings of fulfillment and contentment. Not that I don’t want to write at all, just in different formats. Happiness. Who knew that it could be this nice, this easy, this great and this life changing?


I know it’s all a rut, you want me to prove it to you November 12, 2008

Filed under: miscellaneous,Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 12:38 pm
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This morning I was flipping through channels and I saw a Q&A topic up on the screen from the (stupid) Mike and Juliet show. It was for a guest (whose name is still unavailable online or in the show’s information) finance adviser. These people amaze me. I mean, aside from the obvious “you don’t understand my situation” aspect of “you have a job, and a nice paying job that requires you to be on television and I have none”, they don’t really have any good advice.
The question today was, “I am $10,000 in debt with credit cards and I’ve lost my job, what do I do?” Well, that was me. That was me for over a year. The financial adviser said, “Call the creditors and tell them your situation. They’ll understand. They want you to be able to pay them off. They don’t want you to go into debt. They’ll give you a temporary grace period to help you through this.”
{snicker} Yeah, right!
When I lost my job, even before I stopped getting paychecks, I called every creditor I had and told them I was unemployed. They all told me, “You still have to pay.” At least Discover offered that insurance bit for if you lose your job, and I tried to enroll in that but they said it was extra money added to my monthly bill and, yeah, I still had to pay because I had to have the insurance for so long of a time before it could go into effect. On top of that they said I’d have to get a written note from my employer about being fired, like an adult version of “please excuse my daughter from gym class” note. Ridiculous.
Even the Juliet chick on the show said, “But then why are they so mean to us (the creditors) when we call them.” The “financial adviser” said, “Because you didn’t tell them you were unemployed.” {snort} I still have creditors calling me saying, “this is a desperate situation and you need to redeem this immediately!” to which I reply with, “I have told your company numerous times for the past year that I am unemployed. I have no money. When I have money, I will pay you.” This, apparently, does not matter. I even have “official” sounding calls like, “we’re from a law office” (I looked up their number by the way on Google, and they’re a creditor, same as the others, and it’s no law office.)
I’ve commented before on the stupidity of some of these financial advisers. The one that killed me was some dark haired girl on a news show, telling this guy who was a full time public school teacher to “get a second job.” As if this girl had any idea how much of your life is sucked out through just teaching. The poor guy was single, had bought a house and just wanted to know if he should use his retirement to pay off his credit card debt. No, he shouldn’t, which I could have told him, because he’ll need that and the credit crunch is temporary. But to just say, “get a second job” like it was nothing was ridiculous in itself because, Hello there aren’t jobs to be had out there!
Where do they find these people anyway?
The moral of my entry today is to do what you think is right and don’t listen to anyone’s advice (this goes for finances as well as anything in your life.) No one knows more about your life and your circumstances that you. I hadn’t worked for over a year, and I had 10 or more calls a day about my credit cards and they aren’t even that large in comparison to what other people have to deal with. Even when I investigated debt consolidation, is said that paying what I could would still keep my debt as “bad” and not clear anything up. I’ve had no new credit cards, no new purchases, nothing except paying for food, gas, bills, rent, insurance, etc. I cannot imagine what families for four are doing with a mortgage and expenses for kids to go along with that. Sheesh.
So I wonder now that the whole world knows none of us can pay for anything anymore. Not the credit cards we used to buy furniture and moving expenses, not our school loans, not our car loans, nothing. I wonder if we’re going to all get some bail out option. That is, dear creditors, when we have the ability to take up these options and pay. There is no sense in being adamant about offering us write off payments when, Hello, we have no money!
I don’t know what that lady was thinking this morning when she said, “Oh just tell them you lost your job and they’ll help you through it. If that’s true, I want that lady to call my credit card companies and my loan companies and tell them that this is what they should do.” Maybe that will stop them from calling me all day and hanging up or “insisting” that I “call immediately” because my “situation is very important.” If it’s that important, then why didn’t they offer me to work as a debt collector at their office to pay it off. Sheesh.