she knew she had to change her plans

I will follow you now wherever you go May 3, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 1:18 am
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Today when I was going to the grocery store, I was thinking about how relieved I’ll be to just be out of this town.  There’s a sense of heaviness, an comfortableness and an anxiousness I have being here.  I don’t want to be bothered by anyone I may run into.  I don’t want to see the same people and the same places that I know will be stuck here, just as I have been for so many years.  I don’t think of myself as “better” than anyone here – it’s just not enough for me.  I don’t have anything to contribute to this town and it has nothing to benefit me anymore.  There’s no work (there hasn’t been for years), there’s no real happiness or anything that keeps me rejuvenated.  When I was alone, I just had myself and my writing and my “work” to keep me company.  Then I had to live the same boring life here because I was stuck and even though I couldn’t stand doing the same things I did for so many years, I did them.  There was nothing else to do.  I wouldn’t say that I’ve been happy here.  Yes, I have good memories of times with my friends from the near and recent past.  But no, I was not really happy.  Not until I met my mister.  It’s amazing how the window is opened and a whole new way of living is introduced.  It’s the most wonderful, most treasured gift I’ve ever been given in this life – to be with my mister.

Soon he will be with me, then soon after I will take the cat and go to be with him.  It’s so exciting to have such a goal and such things to look forward to.  I want to write in here just to gush over how great it all is.  I will have the life I am supposed to have with the man I am supposed to live my life with.  I understand now how life can be happy.  I understand why people smile and are care free.  I understand why people want to live their lives.  Love is such a miraculous and essential part of living.  I’m so eternally grateful that I found that out and that I have it to cherish.


Basic space, open air April 4, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 10:08 pm
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Before bed time comes, I will update the blog so I won’t have to feel like I’m putting it off yet again.  Granted each day I feel like I should be giving up on this entirely because it can be construed as simply a space to complain.  Sort of an unproductive space rather than one that produces benefits.  But still, I think it does do me well to have this boxed in slate to type down some words that I don’t want to necessarily keep to myself and yet not necessarily let a bunch of people to see.  It’s just something to keep up – a project with limitations and expanses.

So what I wanted to comment on mainly today was how my life is so nice these days.  I am so excited for the future and each day I just concentrate on how nice it will be when the life I know that is waiting for me will come to fruition.  I’m being patient but I do wish I could pick up and leave right now.  I’ll see my mister before long and that is all that matters.  I miss him so much.

And because it’s Easter and a time to celebrate happy times, my ex friend decided to send, yet another, “I love you and miss you text” that made me disgusted.  Now, while it may seem that I’m being rude, I know it’s a ploy so I don’t respond.  Words without meaning are easy to see right through.  Actions, knowing and intuition are truth.  I know she has no real interest in being a real friend to me – it’s merely to show her family and friends who know I’ve not spoken to her to think that I am the “bad” guy.  I told her she treats people badly and I didn’t want her negativity, anger and criticism in my life anymore.  You would think she would have gotten the point by now.

Anyway, so that’s one thing I won’t miss around here.  That and the random knocking on my door by drunken strangers in the middle of the night.  The pit bulls without a lease.  The problems this nation is going through.  There’s so much that I can do without around here.

Six or so more months…


A place in a home that is safe and warm March 21, 2010

Filed under: miscellaneous — deloresdefacto @ 4:22 pm
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I’ve been sick for days and this is the first normal, productive act I’ve done since last week.  I had food poisoning, or the flu, or something equally as retched and now I’m almost 100%.  Still just tired all the time and that started early last week.  I should have known it was coming on.  I didn’t want to go to the gym, didn’t want to do any work, etc.  Now I know why.  I had to skip teaching one day because of how bad I felt.  It was for the best – no way I could have made it.  The driving alone would have been difficult.

While I was cooped up here alone doing nothing, I felt even more alone in this place.  I mean, seriously, it’s not natural to have no place to go and no one to talk to each day.  I mean, yes, I talk to my mister, but having him in the same home is completely different.  There’s a comfortable feeling that there’s actual living going on.  I don’t feel like a ghost or stuck in some day dream when I’m with him.  This is why my move is such a blessing – this is not the place I need to be.  I’ve known that for some time. 

So while I am waiting to recover, I’ll post this little update just to say I did.  I keep thinking I’ll keep updating twice a week but I just don’t.

I haven’t written, haven’t read, haven’t done anything but get a jumpstart on my diet.  I can’t eat much so that’s helped me shave a few pounds off.  So if I can keep up the lack of overeating (and I know I’m doing that out of boredom too) then I can get back to a ballpark weight that I’m more content with.  I ordered CDs:  Kasabian “West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum”, The XX “The XX”, and The White Stripes “Under Great White Northern Lights”.  I’ve watched a lot of television (there’s nothing on in the daytime;  if you ever want to know what you’re missing while you’re at work, don’t worry anymore.  There’s nothing interesting going on while your home except chat shows.)

Before I got sick I’d finally started writing (for myself only) a bunch of things I wanted to get off my chest about my former friend.  It helped a lot because I know nothing I have said will stay on my mind.  Once it’s out and expressed, even just for my own peace of mind, then it doesn’t have any bearing over me.  I was also getting myself ready for mister to be here and for me to be moved out.  I have a little over six months before I go and I am a pack rat so there’s a bunch of stuff I have to either donate or throw out.  I still think I should just have the moving van take my things to my parents’ house up north and keep my things I may want to take back slowly but surely (books, notebooks, etc.) in storage in town.  Again, it’s a big, wonderful project and I’m so thankful to have it.  I can keep my sanity knowing I’m getting out of this static state.

It’s raining quite hard out right now and I’ll lounge about on the couch some more as I’ve been doing all weekend.  The air this week has been so fresh and nice.  Spring is surely here.

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Looking down at the crumbs on the ground March 2, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 2:34 pm
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In my classes, I’ve been talking about how when an author uses a clear blue sky, it’s supposed to represent clarity of conscious, being open minded, accepting God’s grace, hope, new life and opportunity.  It won’t be long until my mister is here with me for a bit.  Then as soon as I can get myself sorted and moved, I’m out of here.  It’s not a place you want to make your life permanent;  not that I can see.  It’s a visiting place or a stopping point.  It’s been fine and I like it but there’s so much more out there (and absolutely nothing here to keep someone interesting in keeping up residence).  So each day I’m itching more and more to get out.  I’m bored beyond belief most evenings and it’s to the point I get so listless and feel defeated.  I spent hours in bed the other day, just to get Monday going so I could work and have something to do.  I definitely need to move.

So, until then, I’m trying to get this cat passport stuff organized but the vet’s have already given me a couple of hindrances.  First of all, they didn’t tell me to not feed the cat after midnight before he got his blood test done.  Now I have to go through that whole painful event of getting him into the cage and to the vet’s.  It’s traumatic on both of us (plus my pocket book.)  Then I’ve sent in forms that I got online that is for the EU Pet Passport and the blood test and the vet’s verification, etc.  Some of those things ask for the cat’s microchip number and the vet’s signature.  I forwarded those to the office in email, thanked them profusely for their help and bother they have to go through.  But last night I got an email with, “no, don’t send us these, just bring what you need in.”  Um…did you even look at the forms where it says “must be typed and printed by the vet”?  I’m not putting my whole trust in this office crew that they will do what I know needs to be done.  All I can do is my part;  research what papers need to be in order and stay on top of the vet’s to make sure it’s done properly.  I’m not trying to be overzealous or pushy but this is my life and my money I’m spending to undertake this whole thing.  Having a cat sitting in quarantine at an airport 4 hours away from home is not something that I want.

Ah, home.  Isn’t it a nice word?

I’m glad that it will be a place where I can work full time for more than the compensation for Unemployment (and that’s for a Master’s Degree to teach at a state college, by the way).  I’m glad that it will be somewhere I can spend my days and nights with my mister instead of trying to keep my brains occupied with reruns on television.  I’m glad that I can be away from this place I have no attachment to anymore.

Anyway, aside from the pet rigmarole I ordered a couple of books on journaling (I’ve not been reading as much as I could be but the daily hard cover journal I’m at least keeping up with in small paragraphs most days.)  I now have Time to Write to Yourself and The Many Faces of Journaling.  I know the descriptions make it seem as if it’s a self healing process that needs to be learned.  I’m just interested in getting ideas and seeing what other people write in their journals.  I’ve always been interested in novels that are written that way and that type of narration in movies and television.  Since I’m interested in it now and want to read about it, I may as well encourage the habit.


She keeps on waiting for time out there February 20, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 11:27 pm
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As I sit here in the dark at 10PM, not doing anything productive other than typing in this blog, I’ve assumed a sense of complete stagnancy in my life here.  Today, I was driving with my mother around town and I just all of a sudden realized, “Oh yeah, I really am alive, and really driving this car and really living here…even though it doesn’t feel like it.”   It’s harder and harder to keep on being here and I cannot wait to get the heck out.  Not because I am angry and mad about where I live, it’s just nothing real.  I don’t feel alive.  I feel like I’m in Lost, in an alternate dimension where my real self is somewhere else.

So as I’m trying to get to my somewhere else, where my real life will be lead, I’ve run into a couple problems.  First of all, you can’t take a pet on any air carrier out of any city you dang well please.  And if you live in Florida, you can’t bring the pet over during the summer.  Completely crazy.  So now I have to figure out how to get this cat over there.  I don’t even know what city I can land on.  I don’t even know if he can go once his 6 months waiting period after his rabies test is up.  All I know is I am not going to wait any extra days or months if I can absolutely help it.  Aside from the fact that I can’t leave school in mid-term, I also don’t want to sign another lease or go without full time work any longer.  Not here.  Not on my own.

And that’s my update for today.  I’m still reading my journaling books and I’m still going to start putting together one with pictures but I just haven’t yet.  I’m keeping up with the regular daily one which I write in at the end of the day before bed.  I’ve figured out that I have to read and get myself sleepy before trying to sleep.  I’m always thinking of something else I could do before I sleep or getting up 12 times for random things before actually feeling that drift into sleep.  The being alone bit is more and more evident and it’s harder to feel comfortable when you want to be with the person who’s missing you too.  Each night I look around and think about packing up, driving to the airport and just leaving.  But I know I’ll get there.  This is just the waiting time.


I know that it’s true it’s gonna be a good year January 3, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 11:55 pm
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It’s almost Monday and the beginning of the work week.  Now that we’ve all had our vacations it is time to get back to our routines.  Even myself.  I have to get back to my 300 words at least twice a week.  This is the best time to get back into that mode as well.

I’ve been writing more.  Not so much in blog form, but with Chrysanth NETime Diary and my regular notebook.  That was one of my resolutions, or accomplishments, or whatever you want to call the list I made of what I want to have happen in 2010.  I keep getting together ideas for what book I’m going to write and I need it in type form.  (Even if I am using Calibri, 11 point font.) 

I also have a job now.  And while it’s not a prestigious job, it is one nonetheless.  I have somewhere to go, something to focus on and some way to use my skills.  I’m teaching again at another junior college.  I’m excited about it because I do enjoy the subjects that I need to know about to teach at the college level.  And I know I can do well at this job, so I’m making sure I do my best; even though I know it’s just for a term.

Yes, this is the new year and this is when my life will take its new turn into the right direction.  I’m excited that it won’t be long until I’ve moved and living where I need to be.  Years ago all of this would have seemed like such a big step and an absurd idea.  But it’s really not.  It’s so natural and easy for me to live somewhere else and be with who I want to be with (my Mister).  There’s nothing that makes it feel anything less than normal and good.

Wow, I don’t really say much in 300 words, do I?


That’s when you know that you have to fly December 21, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 1:58 am
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As is the way when you write, that you’re supposed to work as you’re inspired and work continually.  I, therefore, have to write something today because I haven’t put anything down on paper, even in my notebook journal, today.  I wanted to write this blog post a few days ago anyway, so this will be another sporadically added entry.  But no matter.  As long as I keep this blog up a bit, I will be content.

I chose the picture and the title because I overcame my fear of flying.  Well, for the most part I think.  On my way to see my mister I had my first all out panic attack.  Now, I’ve been scared and upset before but not to the extreme that I had at the airport.  But thanks to him, I was able to calm down and remember that my life isn’t all about me anymore, and that’s good.  I have someone else to care for and who needs me, so sitting there being afraid of nothing was keeping my focus on me.  And it’s so easy to sit here for months and worry about something.  So when the time came to face the fear me and my lessons from Flying without Fear I got through it.  I highly recommend this to anyone who is worried about flying;  it puts everything into perspective by a retired British Airways captain.

What the trip proved to me is that I am ready to take the steps necessary to secure my future.  Being afraid is just something devilish that deters you from your goal.  It keeps you from being logical, brave, strong, determined, etc.  I’m so glad I know what awaits me and how happy it makes me.  Everything I’m aiming for is right for me, so the settled feeling in my soul is wonderful.

With that said, I’ve been realizing a lot about how great it is that I’m moving out of my past and old ways.  My ex-friend is still texting me and trying to contact me.  I certainly would not try to keep contacting someone whom I wasn’t that close to in the past 3 years, whom I hadn’t verbally spoken to in almost one year, and whom told me I was an angry, shouty, selfish person.  But, hey, that’s just me.  I would take the criticism and ignore them.  I had that happen before and it ended up that we’re friends again now, though I make sure to keep my distance with her.  But that lead me to think about how all of my past friends were the type who were angry, critical and “self righteous” as one of my old friends put it.  And once I was friends with them, I started to see how they liked to use me to make themselves feel better.  It was usually verbal or being asked for “favors” over and over and used, basically.  Used emotionally for the most part.  And, yes, I offered up friendship and got to know them well but I never asked anything of them except friendship.  When I saw that the friendship they offered wasn’t good for me, it was quite hard on them.  I never felt a lasting closeness to them.  It was like all the time I knew something wasn’t right.

But then once I started working, I met girls who were genuinely nice and who had their own life and didn’t need me to be their friend.  They didn’t ask me for anything continuously or try to critique me just so they could feel superior.  After I finally snapped out of my depression and started getting my life on track, I didn’t realize how much time I wasted on the wrong people.  Now I have the right people in my life and it’s just so, so much better. Tags: ,,,,

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