she knew she had to change her plans

Completely untitled blog entry March 28, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 2:56 pm

I don’t even feel like writing in this blog, but I will.

I started writing this post a long time ago and never got around to publishing it. I’ve written a few things in Word at work but never got around to publishing anything either. So…here’s me going into a blog entry. I’ve not updated the version of WordPress I have, nor have I updated any links, pictures, plugins, etc. As shocking as this may sound; I have other things to do! (Finally!)

So here I am, normal, typical Saturday afternoon. 82 degrees outside, warm, humid air blowing into the living room via the patio. The cat is happy. He sits just so his body is inside with the air conditioner, but his head pokes outside to get some fresh air. He’s a smart cat; too bad he’s just full of misbehavior. But anyway…

I’m doing my same old routine as I use to when I first started getting heavy into my blog. Sitting here without anything else to do but get into my head and pile it out on paper. I also had to look for a job. I’m doing both again today. The job I have now has, as all jobs do, their goos points and bad points. First of all, I’m only on temporary contract via the temp agency, so I’m supposed to be ending my position at the end of next month. But there’s still talk by my coworkers as to why they (the managerial directors who are only referred to by name and never seen) wouldn’t just “keep me” until the whole space shuttle thing is over. (Even though now Congress has said, yes, we can extend the space shuttle for a while, there’s no word if the White House will keep its trend of saying “no” to that or not.) While the job is good, just having the job is excellent, and I really like the girls I work with, I am okay with moving into something else if I have to. There’s so much time allotted to monkey work that I feel tortured by sitting in my desk, ready to fall asleep. I work in a very quiet, very big building with few windows and lots of smart, quietly efficient engineers. They aren’t full of chitter-chatter; they’re full of keeping to themselves and doing work. If they do talk, it’s about work. All of this is good. However, when I’m being trained and I know a slim amount of what the job entails, I am not able to do all the things the other girls do with the engineers. All the acronyms and space talk gets put over my head really quick. But I am catching on somewhat, and I’m encouraged to keep the job in that respect. But, if it’s not meant to be that I stay there, then I won’t fret about it too much.

Which brings me to my entry pic up there. I’ve begun graduate classes online for a Master’s of Library and Information Science degree. It occurredto me last year that being a librarian would be up my alley, so I went ahead of applied to a school that does distance learning. Now, being that we’re in recession, I haven’t been able to get any school loans, so I’m lucky to have a job where I can pay for one class at a time on payments. Still, this is going to be a crawling effect if I can’t do this at a quicker pace by next (Summer) term, so hopefully something will come about that I’ll have money and loans. But again, however that will work out is not up to me.

Anyway, a lot of what I wrote at work that was in the best interest of the blog, was about librarian school. I’m super excited about it and have looked at jobs already that may hire me on before I have the degree; just to have me in there doing what I want to be doing. So, as I knew beforehand, my life will change dramatically again one day soon. I’ll be working in a different field and I’ll be able to go somewhere other than Florida to make my way in this world. That is enough to get up every morning and sit in a little cubicle for; just knowing that while I wait, things are opening up in my future.

And on that note, I could get into a lot of personal stuff about how happy I am and how thankful I am that I changed myself and how my life has changed for the better. But I realized somewhere during the past year that talking about things, just to talk about them to just anyone (whether it be friend or blog) is only creating disturbance in mylife. Granted, when I wasn’t working I had zero outside interests for a long while. From like Summer of 2007 until 2008. But then things changed in me. I don’t want to go out and waste my time. I don’t want to complain and bitch and moan about anything that’s caused a concern in my life (like about work or school or whatever) because it doesn’t do anything but cause someone to have a window of opportunity to judge. Now I’m pulling myself further and further away from idle talk about any problems or random comments on things that spurn negativism. It’s not about trying to be bitchy or being cruel or uncaring to anyone I consider friends. I just don’t have that element in my life where I live in mental chaos and want everyone to know about it. (Thank God.)

People can change, and I’m living proof. Something just got inside of me and pulled out all of that past crap way of living. Now I don’t need to call someone and complain all the time. I don’t need to sit here and whine about anything to my invisible blog readership. It’s just not how I want to operate anymore. It’s a hard thing to get someone to understand, maybe, especially if they’ve known me as I had always been before. Depressed, angry, scared…all the things I thought I was supposed to be to be a writer, to be intelligent, to have purpose in this life. But I’m not anymore and if that means I’ll have a nice, happy contented life, then so be it. I’m not searching for anything to make me complete anymore. I have what I need and the rest of my life is just going to go in the direction that my happiness takes me.

So with that said, I’m back to making my lunch (I’m trying to diet again but I’m having a hard time wanting to be obsessed with how much food I eat every day.) I’ve not had the time to go to the gym as much anymore either (when you don’t work and have nothing else to do, it’s way easier to be obsessed with yourself, your diet and your exercise routine.) So next week I’m going to start going to the gym for a bit at lunch with one of the girls at work. It will be good for me to do, even if for a while, just to break up the day, see some sunlight and get some exercise.

This means I’m going to have to head down to the gym in my building today or tomorrow, just to have some productive time to myself. I guess the blog entry counts as productivity too, huh?