she knew she had to change her plans

We are all still the same dear. August 31, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 4:44 pm

Blaqk Audio @ MySpace
I love the “Stiff Kittens” song but I have two qualms with it:
1. The “kick” beat stops after only two smacks. It lessens the edge and makes it not as danceable. I like how it goes back and forth and builds up to the “harder” part, but it just could have been done a little differently.
Oh hell yes. The Assemblage 23 Remix. Nah, that one has the softer beat through the whole song and doesn’t give it any diversity. Eh, oh well.
2. That chorus with “If you show me Heaven…I will meet you there” is way to wish-washy. Apparently it’s an “AFI” thing but there’s a reason why I never listened to this band in the first place. The funny thing is, my boy use to say that AFI was the worst band ever. I wonder if he has the sense to like this song now. I wonder if I taught him anything. Hhmm…

Oh yeah and by the way, my site is not giving me some lovely error message saying “Stack overflow at line: 585”. WTF? I don’t know if it’s a plugin or something else I added last night but all of a sudden it started yelling at me when I was in the “edit” mode. I looked up on the forums for a reason for this error and most people said it was in a plugin. I added FireStats and still tried to figure out (to no avail) how to get the SimpleTagsPlus and Technorati tags to integrate. (How in the hell do you do that???)
UPDATE: I think I got the error message to go away so I could post in here. {fingers crossed}
And, ah, I can feel the fall coming on. It’s pouring down rain and soon we’ll have that hurricane, tropical storm stuff blow through for a while and by mid September we will go outside one morning and walk into a totally unexpected chilly autumn morning. I love, love, love it. It makes me want to dig out my tights and jumper and beret and walk around campus…but I think they would consider that loitering. Sigh…
And tonight I have to go through the first round of manuscripts for my class. I am so not looking forward to this. I think I know which story I’m going to beef up for my submission though. It’s easy for me to go on and on with detail and lengthen a story. It’s a gift. Ha ha.
Oh and yeah, Courtney Love: I Tried to Warn Owen . Of course you did, Courtney. Because she would have something to do with it. {rolling my eyes}


The thoughts and styles I kick are from a random hat pick. August 30, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 2:40 am

Random stuff for today’s post:

  • Reports: Owen Wilson drops out of movie
  • After reading Lesley Arfin’s Tidbits I thought that since I have two blank pages left in the diary that I use, that I should take pictures of the old journals that I have. Actually I stopped using a diary or even a comp book a few years ago and went back to the standard notebook because it’s easier to write in. I love going through magazines and cutting out pictures to decorate them with (alas, I am a fourteen year old girl at heart…even if I am using Vogue and Elle to find my designs. Since I rescued all of my old notebooks from my parents’ house a few weeks ago, I figured I could make a nice set for Flickr. It would be a fine project to undertake seeing as I’m spending my days asleep and my nights being bored.
  • I started looking around for pictures to take because I always liked to take pictures of abstract, random things that catch my eye.
  • I am searching for a cheap, better camera on EBay too.
  • Yeah, I got up at five o’clock tonight. With this kind of schedule I should be going out again but I just don’t want to bother most of the time. I just have no interest in getting out of bed. Maybe it shoudl be a bartender’s life for me.
  • I also thought about putting some of the writing I do for my classes (at least) on my site somewhere. No one reads this damn thing anyway so I may as well shamelessly try to promote myself as much as possible.
  • Speaking of which…I still need to write my story and notebook entry for my class tonight. Oops. I wonder if procrastination really can be a virtue.
  • I decided that this time I have on my hands is probably a blessing so I can get some more writing done for myself.
  • I’m awaiting my books and t-shirts from Powell’s.
  • I set up accounts to damn near every free blog hosting service available. I’m not sure if the cross posting is good or bad but it can’t hurt to try. (See “personal” links in sidebar.)
  • I won a pair of Sarah Jessica Parker”Boyfriend” jean’s on Ebay. For $33 they’d better fit decently. But my guess is that her version of size 10 Long and my version of size 10 Long is quite different.
  • This is why I decided that I didn’t want to eat anymore. Of course I end up going to my parent’s house for dinner most nights instead.
  • I keep adding links to my favorites. I don’t know if anyone has noticed.
  • Instead of being able to look at Dominic Monaghan next season, I am forced to look at these new people they’re putting on Lost: EW Article: “Lost Scoop”. I’m so annoyed with this show.
  • I have a handful of things wrong with my apartment: the security alarm goes off when a neighbor slams their door shut, the dryer vent is ripped where it attaches to the wall (a fire hazzard for sure) and I have to leave the laundry room door open so it doesn’t get to hot in there, the pipes under my kitchen sink get loose and I have to fix them every couple of days so they don’t leak in the cabinet, and I randomly have guys in the apartments nearby who stand in the breezeway and talk while looking into my patio and through the sliding glass door into my living room. Call me crazy, but that bothers me a bit.
  • It’s almost midnight and I’ve just come home from my parents’ house so I could eat and pick up my mail.
  • It’s time to get back to working on my writing assignments for the week.
  • Damn it! I forgot to put my rent check in the drop box.


Under a blood red sky. August 28, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 5:03 pm

I stayed up until four in the morning and the moon outside my window didn’t look anything like this. It wasn’t even covered up enough to tell there was an eclipse when I saw it. Oh well.
So Laura has been doing the online dating thing in NY and one would think that there would be tons of guys running around that city just looking for a nice girl to settle down with. Apparently there are and they’ve already found someone else. What’s left over are the ones who are clueles about dating and women and who are the type that end up, as she put it, nice to the point that it turns you off. At first I didn’t think I knew what she meant because, come on, I’ve never met any guy that didn’t have a streak of asshole in them somewhere. But now I understand what she’s getting at.
My mother always told me that no relationship is equal and from what I’ve seen, there is someone who is always the alphadog. I have seen the nicest guys end up with these take charge, self professed bitchy girls and they are completely comfortable with it because their decisions are made for them. With a girl, especially with me, I pick the take charge guy. I was just raised that way. I can fight and scream and tell him what an asshole he is, but I am way more comfortable with a guy making the decisions. The problem I find is that I’m in the middle as far as bitchiness goes and I give guys the upper hand when they really want me to order them around. So the power struggle goes in circles for about a year and then they run off to some girl who stands right in front of them saying, “You’re going to be my boyfriend now.” Why the hell can’t I be one of those girls?

Anyway, Laura wants someone to be more spunky and I agree with that one, but I am not going to have someone I fight with or discuss ideals with in a debate because, frankly, I don’t have the energy anymore. I’m tired of this stupid boy’s club mentality I come across constantly where I have to prove my intelligence. I’m not saying this to be a snob, believe me, I’m just saying that no smart man looks up to a smart woman. They cut me down to size and ridicule anything I say or do to show me I’m not all that, rather than going, “yeah, you’re right” and letting it go. And it probably is me, because I tend to find guys who will do that kind of shit. (Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever come into a conversation with any guy who didn’t do that at some point.) So where the hell do I go from there? I guess I’ll just have to deal with it and set him straight. What the hell else can you do?

I don’t even know how girls even find guys anymore. It’s obviously not by clubbing or working or going to school. I use to think that if a girl wanted to find someone they would; one way or the other. Like I told Laura, at least now that she’s out there dating and looking, maybe she’ll be more apt to glancing around once in a while on the subway or at Starbuck’s and catching the eye and starting a conversation with some cute guy.

Granted, of course, he’d probably be married with three kids, but still.

I keep hearing that more women are waiting to get married so maybe it isn’t a hopeless cause. It just sucks that on one hand we agonize and analyze everything in a potential relationship and it’s good that we aren’t just settling for whatever pompous ass we run into. But on the other hand, we’re sitting around thinking about it so much that nothing we expect is going to pan out in real life. Girls who have found someone they’re happy with tell me that they aren’t what they thought they wanted. So why even bother caring? I guess, as Laura and I agreed, you’d feel it in your gut if it was right or not. You would know off the bat if you could see yourself dating them or not. Laura said her test is if she wants to kiss them. If she has no desire to, then she knows it won’t work. There have been a million guys that I’ve wanted to kiss in my lifetime and if I don’t want to then it’s not going to happen. The thing is, the ones who approach me are the ones I end up getting use to and end up having some kind of kissing situation with. No, I take that back. The last few guys who I got to have any interest in me were totally by my own designs. Eh, maybe I’ve got something going on after all.

Too bad they all run off to the girl standing in front of them saying, “pay attention to me now.” Damn those available, assertive girls.

Anyway, so work is not happening. All I get are wishy-washy temp job, minimum wage call backs from the two million resumes I’ve sent out. I’m sitting here with a Bachelor’s degree, twelve graduate credit hours, work skills and decent references and yet, no job that will keep me from needing government assistance. I’m not terribly worried about it because I know something will come about at some time (it always does) but man, this staying at home thing is great and all but I’m freaking bored. I try to read or write or do something to cut my days into manageble pieces so I’m not so restless. I mean, I sleep whenever the hell I feel like it, get up at all hours of the day or night and do exactly the same thing. I want a job at an office so I can wear cute clothes and meet smart guys and not be totally stressed out so I can read and write and do the important stuff when I get home. Is that so much to frigging ask for in life?


Choose a public place, darling, won’t you let me find thee. August 18, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 2:26 am

Quickly, here’s what I have to say for this entry:

    — Fran, me and some of our fellow townies are going out for Saturday night.
    — I will not go to Target alone, even if I do have a damn good reason to buy a new black skirt for tomorrow’s occasion.
    — I feel like myself again so apparently even Kids’ Dimetapp works.
    — I have some chick in my new class who emails me, thinking I’m the teacher’s assistant.
    — I don’t understand how some people’s brains work.
    — Bought Spin and read the Interpol article. Paul Banks doesn’t get along with any of the band really. He’s a lit major, so he’s probably cool.
    — I got Season Six of Sex and the City to watch again. I decided those are the funniest episodes, especially the ones with Ron Livingston.
    — I got Dad 300. He wasn’t that impressed and said, “The fighting stuff got boring. I mean they never changed how they killed people. There are only so many time that can you watch someone get a spear stuck through them without wanting to see something else.”
    — Went to Target alone yesterday and bought black bathroom towels to go with a black and white shower curtain. Believe it or not, this is the first time I’ve bought black housewares. I just wanted to hold the clique off for as long as possible.
    — I was not warned about the availability of Target’s $5 Halloween t-shirts. I never resist. I bought 3.
    — But I didn’t buy any shoes.
    — I get to deal with my evil cat’s yearly check up. I have tranquilizers for him to hopefully make him seem sort of sweet in the public eye.
    — I also get to take my car to get the oil changed on Monday morning. I was suppose to take it 5 thousand miles ago. I forgot.
    — I started reading Throw Like A Girl: Stories. I think I could write at least as well as Jean Thompson based on the three or four stories I’ve read so far. The themes are similar to stuff I come up with and they sort of get in and get out and just end. I write like that for sure.
    — My head still hurts. I wonder if any kind of pain killer will work. Ever.
    — I got IsIs in the mail today from Ebay today. “Down Boy” is damn good. I swear I fall in love with every Yeah Yeah Yeahs single when I first hear it and have to listen to it 20 times before moving on.
    — Found out that my grandmother in Ohio is so worried about her pacemaker that she’s having my aunt take her to the emergency room every day. And people wonder where I get my neurosis from.


You’re more than in my head. August 15, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 11:49 pm

Describe a dream you have had more than once.

The dream I have recurring that is really a nightmare in most senses is the paralyzed dream. Ive told friends, family and my therapist this one. They dont seem to think its so terrible, just weird. They dont understand the horror and inability to go back to sleep once Ive struggled to wake myself up for what seems like hours. Now Ive had read that this is a typical dream that means there is something holding me down that I feel I cant escape from. Iam a control freak, so having a horrifying dream that I am without the capability to move or even scream for help and having total loss of control makes sense. I even try to control myself from not having the paralyzed dream. I make myself paranoid that if I think about having the stupid dream, Ill have it. My dreams are better now though (as I superstitiously knock on wood) that I have a less emotionally crippling job than I use to. I have less worry about not having control over my every day life without a job (which is ironic in a way if I think about it because not having a job should worry me) and each day kind of eases into the next. No struggle for control and no dreams of lying there waiting to be given the grace to wake myself up from my nightmare of being paralyzed. Lying in waiting, fearing staying an unmovable weight or being attacked while I am vulnerable are the themes of my most reoccurring dream.