she knew she had to change her plans

Talk like an open book August 29, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 8:10 pm


There’s something to having a blog that doesn’t have your name directly linked.  It’s not that I talk about anything I wouldn’t talk to with someone I saw directly, I just like having the freedom.  There’s a nice, easy feel to knowing I have a blog that’s just for me, just to write down what I think and feel, without someone coming into work saying, “Hey, I read your post last night.”  Not that it really matters, but still.  Privacy is always the better option.  Plus, I need to write all the time so not having a blog where I write openly is not an option.  Hence, I keep my veiled existence over here for just me and my mister to know the truth about. 

It’s weird how I can make myself do what I need to do in the morning.  I guess I have been getting into bed at a good time.  It’s better than dreading the day and wishing I could be home to take a nap.  I guess my attitude is always the main thing to keep in check.  If I think it’s awful, it will be.  If I don’t, it won’t. 

Tuesday means not Monday.  I keep getting ready earlier than I need to be, which is good.  Less rushing around, trying to get on the road by 7:00PM.  So I have a little over a month of work, so that’s some money coming.  Then I got word that my Student Loans will deposit some extra cash in my account.  I’ve decided to take this as a sign to pay off these piddley credit cards.  Now, the consolidation loan, I just can’t pay.  I’d have to save and save and then pay off in, oh, who knows.  But I can make a plan and a budget and get on the right track.  One of the girls at work suggest I read Dave Ramsey’s book, so I ordered that.  I started listening to him on the radio on the way home as well.  At least I know that there’s hope, I’m not the only one with this problem and there are people in worse shape than I am. 

And now it’s Saturday, which brings me to the end of my blog updating.  I didn’t write much during the week, unfortunately.  I’m still playing with this used Blackberry Curve 8310.  I changed out the housing because the back button, to the right of the trackball, was chipped.  Plus the screen was dusty inside.  It just needed a bit of an overhaul.  I’m not 100% pleased with my housing and handy work right now, as the trackball doesn’t like to go left as easily as it should.  I’ve also discovered that the screws are old, presumably, and the head of them got stripped out when I tried to get them out.  Now I’ve ordered new screws, pink housing and a silicone case to match.  Here’s hoping I get it sorted and am happy with it in the end.  At least it works well and I have plenty of things I can do with it.  I mean, the Yahoo mail and Facebook applications are enough to make me content.  It was mainly the ease of texting.  The Pearl 8100 I have was just driving me crazy.  At least now I have a full keyboard, can see my pictures with the larger screen and make videos (whenever I get a chance to try that option out, I can post that too.)

Aside from that, work has been okay.  It was hard for me on Friday to get through the day because it was the end of my first full week back.  I had sleepy eyes from the start, especially since I had stayed up a bit later playing with this silly phone.  If I get to sleep too early, I’m tired the next day.  If I sleep too little, I get that hazy, dream-like feeling.  Only with seven hours sleep can I function well.  It’s easier to fight off the halogen lights overhead, the lack of windows, the lack of noise in the place, and the constant staring at a bunch of numbers on a computer screen.  I started listening to podcasts on my iPod instead, just so I can have something feeding and entertaining my brains while I sit there.  I try to not count down the hours that I’ve worked or still have to work.  The clock never moves fast enough if I do.  I try to just keep my mind of the work and what I’m listening to and let time take care of itself.  Some days it’s hard though.

So that’s about all that I have for the physical, daily side of my life.  I’m still on my diet, still trying to get rid of the weight I gained over the past year or so.  I was eating my salad tonight and thinking about the correlation between happiness and weight.  You’re miserable and loathe yourself when you’re too big.  Then when you lose weight and get smaller and smaller, it’s like another misery.  Never being small enough and having to keep working until you’re satisfied.  Now, when you’re content and happy, a nice, medium, healthy size is what we, or at least I, end up being.  So it’s not too big, but it’s not as small as I could be.  And when I’m okay with that and am working at it little by little, still keeping strong in the ways of eating right, then I’ve won any battle that has to do with food.  I understand how hard it is, when there are things that taste so good and you just can’t have it anymore.  Before, I ate Burger King and pizza and didn’t care.  Now I can’t do that anymore and I’m smaller.  My clothes fit better.  I’m happier to dress up when I go to work because I have a better, all around appearance. 

I still think I should write my book on lessons I’ve learned for myself.  Granted, the blog serves as this outlet for discussing such things, but a book would work if it had that distinct focus.  Hhmm…

Anyway, I’m trying to think of what else to talk about in here.  I’ve not gone to the gym as much because of work.  That concerns me a bit because it also means I’m not reading as much either.  (At least I have the podcasts though.)  I won’t spend this weekend doing much.  I’m still trying to download applications for the phone and finding something good on TV (there’s never anything good on, I have to admit).  I’ve been in the mood for Fall now that it’s around the corner.  I keep thinking about the times when the air was cool and crisp, and I was out getting pies from Honey Baked Ham.  I like those memories, but I like that I’ll have new ones in the future.  I was thinking that in the bath tonight too, about how, miraculously, when we get older and wiser we stop caring about such stupid things.  The past doesn’t matter as much, our insecurities, or worries, none of them are really as big of a deal when we get more mature.  I’m glad of that.


Everybody just want to play the lead August 22, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 1:54 pm

I’m going to start this blog post now and post it whenever I get ready to do so.  Maybe tonight, maybe Friday, maybe not until the weekend.  I’ve had a bit of a rejuvenation in my post interests, which is usually how it goes.  Post a few, stay a way for a while, post once, wait…  But I’ve been having the feeling of being in high school, or even elementary school again.  Like when the time at school always seemed fun just because I had other things of interest that I could think about while I sat at a desk around my friends. 

I got my call back to work last Friday and I started back yesterday (Wednesday.)  It was a complete surprise since the whole space program is going topsy-tervy very soon.  People are getting laid off and our company is going from one thing into two, uncertain companies next year.  So just being able to hang out for a little over a month is nice.  Get some money, hang out and be around everyone again.  Have some motivation from day to day.  Yeah, it’s like going to school.  Like the first week of school when it’s familiar but new all at the same time and you feel excited for that second chance at something you’re use to.

It’s Friday now and I’ve had a good first few days back to work.  I couldn’t start on Monday this week so I only have three days in so far.  But the rest of the weeks, I’ll have all of my 40 hours in, but no overtime.  Since, again, the company is going into a new phase next year, I’m not sure what will happen now that the first set of people will be leaving around the same time I will. 

Now on Saturday, I will post this entry.  It’s nothing much, but it’s better than letting the blog sit here for months at a time without any action.  I got the Blackberry Curve in the mail from Ebay, so I have to set it up with the Twitter mobile options and such.  (No, I don’t have the Blackberry account set up;  just the basics.)  Once I get it figured all out, I can use it to Twitter some more from work or something.  And everyone loves Twitter.  Ha ha.  I looked into getting my Tumblr account updated with everything else.  I found it was way too hard to keep messing with all the mirror sites and cross posting.  Just the basic ones are going to have to be okay for me.  The whole purpose is to keep things less cluttered, more manageable.

Anyway, i think if I do write something each morning, I can do all right with keeping things updated.  Granted, there’s not much to say about work.  I sit at my desk, sort papers, enter things in databases.  Nothing really is going on since the Space Program is dwindling down.  Well, I mean it’s starting up in a new direction, but it’s not with our company, so once the shuttle goes, a lot of people will go.  People are already going, my Dad included, so it’s already beginning;  that whole change over into a new, uncertain chapter in Space Exploration.

The only other mention I have is with friends again.  One of my friends from high school is someone I still talk to once in a while in email and texts.  And I just can’t let that go any further.  I can’t go visit, I can’t really participate in keeping a lot of communication up.  It’s just the same things with her and I cut off ties with that a long time ago when I realized how it was hindering me rather than anything.  This is the same with my recent break off of friendships.  I had to just let that go even though I knew it would probably upset her.  But when it came right down to it, I had nothing to connect with her on anymore.  She wanted me to do things for her constantly despite what I had going on in my own life.  And I’m not the type to confront anyone if they’ve hurt me, so I just let the whole thing go.  I’ve thought about it a lot lately, but once I got back to work, I realized I was only thinking about it because I was just out of productivity mode.  Once I started using my time wisely, the revelation came that I’m doing the best thing for me and I shouldn’t feel guilty.  None of my separation from any former friends is to be cruel, it’s just that I’m a different person and the connection of common ground isn’t there anymore.  I don’t want to be yelled at, cursed at, used as a doormat or an outlet for negative babble.  I’m a happy person and I want to be surrounded by happy people.  What I had before was far from happy and I have no intention of going back.  I have clear goals in mind.  No one in my past was supportive or caring to begin with, I was just the one who didn’t put up a fuss.  Now I just don’t want to say anything to them anymore.  Past things don’t have much impact on me anymore.

Well, aside from the dream I had about my Grandma last night.  I called her on the phone, I was going to visit her in Ohio.  I remember in the dream, I was trying to make it be her voice I heard on the line, but it’s funny how voices get removed from our memory.  We have to hear them again to remember.  I think my Great Uncle had the last video of her before she died, and I remember seeing it long ago.  Who knows where that stuff is.  It could still be in that house;  the house that my Great Grandparents raised their family in.  I miss Ohio a bit for things like that.  I won’t mind when my parents move back after Dad leaves work and I can get out of Florida in my own direction.


Whatever you want, the choice is yours, so choose August 11, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 2:37 am

{Deep breath}

Okay, in order to update in a reasonable manner, I’ll have to make a list.  I can expand on the list, and comment on the list, but a list will have to do.  This is my list of what’s happened in the last couple months and what I’m planning on getting done in the near future.

{Another deep breath}  Here goes…

  • Found out that I have (at least one) ulcer. 
    • Ever since I had my problems with my gallbladder, what, 3 years ago, I’ve woken up to this horrible, empty belly pain.  Turns out that once it got worse, then wouldn’t go away, meant I was in trouble.  I tried to get the hospital to help me, no good.  Went to a doctor, who wouldn’t take the pain away, but gave me Nexium to take.  Now that I’m almost done with that month and a half’s supply, I feel quite good now.  I just know when the signs show up, to heed them immediately.
  • Went through my summer term at library school.
    • I got that all over with and now will start again at the end of August to work on three classes for Fall term.  This has turned out to be harder than I thought it would be, but I keep on.  I like it and I feel accomplished in it, plus I’m doing the core classes anyway, which is a lot of techy stuff.  I’ll get through it though and be done sometime in Fall/Winter of next year.
  • Started online Weight Watchers
    • Due to the ulcer business, I knew it had to be done.  I thought the online program was going to be stupid, but it ends up quite the contrary.  I like having it keep track of everything I eat, and my exercises all in one handy, dandy web interface.  It’s definitely a life saver.
  • Enrolled in teacher classes.
    • I’m not as jazzed about this as I once was, but I’ll give it a shot.  If I end up a school librarian, it will be good for me.  Plus, it may be transferrable (the Professional Certificate) when I go somewhere else, so I’ll do it.
  • Got back on Unemployment Compensation.
    • After trying to call them for 2 months over a “just a couple of days” situation, I finally got my benefits sorted, so I have something coming in again.  I’m still trying to stretch my financial aid money out as much as possible.  If I find a job, even if it’s another temp job, my benefits are extended so, it’s a nice thing to rely on until I get my lovely future librarian job.  Ahh…
  • I may get another aerospace job.
    • I’ve talked to two recruiters who could place me into a job like I was doing, or even doing administrative assistant/clerical type work.  My only limits to this search are location;  I figured out that driving all over Central Florida for a low paying job did not make it worthwhile to my bank account.  Granted, if that’s all I can get, it’s all I can get.  But still, I’m not up for the long commute.  I use to like driving but now in my 32nd year, I’ve decided it’s pretty boring and I’d rather not be in the car too long anymore.
  • My birthday is coming up!
    • I really just want a nice dinner and some things to go toward my trip in December to see my Mister.  ;-)  Since it will be cold, I’m more inclined to get some Ugg boots and a nice coat.  I’d like a bigger suitcase too.  The ones I have from when last time are fine but having one to contend with instead of two may work out better.  We’ll see.  All I know is, I can’t wait!
  • I think I’ve stopped needing to write.
    • Amazing how happiness can make you not need to write down every minute detail of your life.  It’s amazing too how, as I always say, I’m on a side road;  leaving the highway I was on, going towards a new one. 
    • It’s not that I don’t have that desire sometimes, like that memory of how I use to have to write all the time.  It’s not that I want to quit all together or that I don’t think it’s worth it.  It’s just not a desperate need anymore.  It’s more of an accomplishment, a polishing off of the day. 
  • I have no desire for my life as it was either.
    • There is nothing in me that wants to go out and do what I use to, or be who I was, or even hang out with who I did.  It’s not because of anger or malice in anyway, it’s just something unfruitful to me that had to be cut off.  People change, and I’ve done a huge, wonderful amount of it.  I’m still amazed at how much I’ve changed and thankful for it every day.
  • I can’t let go of this blog though.
    • For whatever reason, this blog holds an outlet for me to just type and express my thoughts.  Granted it was a big ball of widget mess a while back, and I’m not using all the account I once had that goes along with this blog.  Heck, I haven’t even gone through and cleaned up all of my links.  But still, here it is, my blog that I pull up occasionally to rejuvenate its timeline.