Delor.es.Defacto

she knew she had to change her plans

She keeps on waiting for time out there February 20, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 11:27 pm
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As I sit here in the dark at 10PM, not doing anything productive other than typing in this blog, I’ve assumed a sense of complete stagnancy in my life here.  Today, I was driving with my mother around town and I just all of a sudden realized, “Oh yeah, I really am alive, and really driving this car and really living here…even though it doesn’t feel like it.”   It’s harder and harder to keep on being here and I cannot wait to get the heck out.  Not because I am angry and mad about where I live, it’s just nothing real.  I don’t feel alive.  I feel like I’m in Lost, in an alternate dimension where my real self is somewhere else.

So as I’m trying to get to my somewhere else, where my real life will be lead, I’ve run into a couple problems.  First of all, you can’t take a pet on any air carrier out of any city you dang well please.  And if you live in Florida, you can’t bring the pet over during the summer.  Completely crazy.  So now I have to figure out how to get this cat over there.  I don’t even know what city I can land on.  I don’t even know if he can go once his 6 months waiting period after his rabies test is up.  All I know is I am not going to wait any extra days or months if I can absolutely help it.  Aside from the fact that I can’t leave school in mid-term, I also don’t want to sign another lease or go without full time work any longer.  Not here.  Not on my own.

And that’s my update for today.  I’m still reading my journaling books and I’m still going to start putting together one with pictures but I just haven’t yet.  I’m keeping up with the regular daily one which I write in at the end of the day before bed.  I’ve figured out that I have to read and get myself sleepy before trying to sleep.  I’m always thinking of something else I could do before I sleep or getting up 12 times for random things before actually feeling that drift into sleep.  The being alone bit is more and more evident and it’s harder to feel comfortable when you want to be with the person who’s missing you too.  Each night I look around and think about packing up, driving to the airport and just leaving.  But I know I’ll get there.  This is just the waiting time.

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You know that I’m not scared to go home January 24, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 6:07 pm
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I’ve finished the second week of teaching and the first week my student classes has started.  The student classes seem fun for a change and the teacher classes are going well as far as I can tell.  However, I’ve noticed something that I’m going through quite obviously that I’m working through.  I’m defeating my fears one step at a time.  Well, I should say more that I’m learning to get past the fear easier.  I’ve always been afraid of new things or things which took me out of my same-ol-same-ol routine.  And before I just knew I didn’t have to go what I was afraid of.  I could avoid the situation all together.  But now I see how the fear is holding me back from doing what I need to do and I get past it each time and now the fear is more intense.

Before, fear was just an annoyance or an uncomfortable feeling.  Something that made me anxious or worried.  Now, when I have to do something that is causes fear, I completely choke. I get the thought in my head, “I can’t do this.  I won’t do it.  I just can’t.”  But I do it anyway.  I know I’ll do it.  I know I have to.  But before I get to the action and go through it all (miraculously), I completely panic beforehand.  Now, the plane, that was one thing.  That was fear of death.  This time it was something as simple as an evaluation at work.  But I’d had them before and remembered all the pain I went through caused by other people and I was afraid that I would be subjected to such torment again.  Actually, the fear isn’t in how people will see me, as I once thought.  It was a fear that I would fail myself.  That I wouldn’t be able to do something or be able to handle the situation. 

Yet it’s still very visceral.  I know it will all be fine, but the newness, the change, the knowing that I have to do this and it’s different;  that’s what causes the fear.  It’s like a caveman first seeing a space ship.  That newness and that unfamiliarity is petrifying.  So that’s what I’ve been working with myself to change.  The battle between me and my fears is timed just right as I go into my new, wonderful chapter of life with my mister.  I’m not afraid to be with him so everything else is minor.  But it all leads to where I’m going to be and nothing will stop me from getting there.  I think that’s why the little steps along the way make me scared.  I know the end result will be wonderful.

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Teacher thinks that I sound funny but she likes the way you sing January 14, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 2:30 pm
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This entry is a bit overdue, I realize.  I had a busy week, which is a good thing, but I need to make sure I’m stopping to write.  One of my New Year’s resolutions was to write each day and this blog needs periodic attention.  Usually I have plenty to say about anything that happens in my daily life.  I can write about writing if all else fails. 

But this week I went back to teaching so I’ll have a bit more to inspire me to write and, honestly, something to deter me from doing so.  I only have two classes and already I can see how easy it is to get very involved and take up days working on one lesson.  I’m glad for it though.  I’ve had so many times that I didn’t do well in my classes but now I’m even more determined to do my best.  I think I’ve done well so far.  The first day I got nervous and my voice shook (which is worse when you are visibly nervous and you are trying to hard to put on that essential cool, confident demeanor.)  But the second day I was myself and got through it fine (fine as in pretty good.)  I think it just takes me a little more time to get things;  or at least it did in the past.  Now I’m more willing to devote myself to something I know I should be doing.  Right now I need to be doing this, so I will work my best at teaching reading and writing.

I’m excited however, that this term proves the finale to my time here and then I’ll be moving on.  Winter is a perfect time to get prepared for a break in a 19 year old rut (that’s how long I’ve lived here – not in this apartment, but in this town.)  I look around here and think about how I can leave it behind without any hesitation.  Again, I know what I should be doing and where I need to go. 

Until then, I have to do the same old routine of taking care of just myself, but the work helps.  I’ll be taking my new classes (as a student) again next week, so that will give me plenty of things to occupy my time. 

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My heart keeps beating like a hammer. June 18, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 12:23 pm
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So I’m back from vacation. And being as I am with keeping things private on this blog, I’ll just say that I had a wonderful time. It was hard to leave and now I’m sitting here, back in Florida, with the heat, the allergy attacks, the boredom and the being alone stuff. Yup, my life is on its new direction; it just will take some more steps to get to the next path. I’m excited about it though. I truly am. You know, after waiting 30+ years for your life to finally have some meaning, you want everything to be sped up and begin all fresh and new immediately. But it takes time to shed the old skin and form a new one.

That’s been something I’ve really come to realize recently; how much change is necessary. Granted, the ones you love need to stay in your life, but situations, places, routines; they all have to be changed in some way or the other. I’ve had to let go of a lot of old junk, old friendships, old habits. It’s not to be mean to anyone, it’s just to be good to myself. I know where I’m going now and I feel very good about it, so not going out, not caring or complaining or worrying or blogging…that’s all unnecessary to me anymore.

But I still like my blog and I haven’t written in it for a while, so now’s the time to do so. I’ve lost my job again. Yeah, I know, the pattern is getting ridiculous. It’s because I can only find temporary work these days. And I know the whole change thing is fine, I just really liked my last job and the people I worked with so it was a downer when I was told that, more than likely, I wouldn’t be able to come back at all now. I was taking over for someone and then it looked like they were going to be going away again, so I was a candidate for re-employment after a short period of time. (Hence, I took my break, rested, relaxed and enjoyed my time away from the desk.) But when I went in to visit and show pictures from my trip, I was told that, nope, my position probably wouldn’t be available again. Oh well, back to the drawing board.

So I’ve started looking for jobs, yet again. Just like I did for a year before that job finally worked itself out. I’ve figured that all I can do is my best at applying and searching for work and when it shows up, it shows up. I can’t force employment. I’m not the only one in this situation right now and I’m certainly in a better position than some people are. At least, for right now, I don’t have a mortgage and kids. Going through an “economic crisis” with that going on; I understand how hard that must be, but at the same time, I’m glad it’s not me in that position. I have my family to help me out, Unemployment, school loans which paid last month’s rent and bills, and hope for employment in the near future.

So while I’m not working, and looking for work, I’m busy at my Librarian classes. I was thinking that I didn’t have any way to pay for classes if I didn’t work, or if I did work, I could only pay for one at a time and then it would take me three years (at least) to get finished. But, luckily I did get some financial aid loans (yeah, I know, even more loans).

But with my new classes, I have something to work toward each day. Otherwise I’d have nothing productive to do with my time. And day after day, without anywhere to go, or anything to do, that can make one feel completely detached to her surroundings; which is about where I am now. I don’t have much, other than my family, that I really care about sticking to anymore. It’s another part of the change in my life; I’m going to move out and move on soon and this time in between is a bit stagnant. And it’s the knowing that I’ll get there and the knowing I belong there that helps me get through this time here.

My library classes for the term are a bit of a bear, just because it’s summer and everything is crammed within a shortened semester. But, again, it gives me that push to do something each day. There’s a lot of reading to my core class and the electives class still has to get going (we’ve just gone through the introductory week) to see how much of a workload I’m looking at for each week. I’ve been assigned a “professional” blog too, which I started. It’s in lieu of a research paper, which is a cool concept, so each week I have something to post, something to modify, and relevant blogs to research. So since that little beauty is up and running, I think I’ll use that for my “professional” site after this class is over. Then I can write details about the work and training aspects that I have going.

Now, with all the basics covered, and the blog all updated and themes changed, etc. I think I’ll close my post for now. Who knows, maybe I’ll post more often. I know I have the time on my hands, it’s just all in the desire to write in this kind of style. The need for the blog comes and goes. Even my need for writing has diminished in many ways because of my feelings of fulfillment and contentment. Not that I don’t want to write at all, just in different formats. Happiness. Who knew that it could be this nice, this easy, this great and this life changing?

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=102

 

One day like this a year’d see me right! November 11, 2008

11/6/2008
07:16

So typing in a journal. I forgot I had that capability. I’ve just not written much of anything lately for and about myself. I kept thinking to, kept thinking I should start a new blog, get onto a new project but, alas, I have too many reasons to not. Old things tie you. You become so attached for so many reasons that it’s easier to go along with what was then ditch it all for something new. Maybe I can have duel diaries; one for random, “this is what’s going on?” as D.D. is, and one for “this is really what’s going on.” I’d like that. I’d like it to be without hype and without promotion too. Just sitting there, waiting to be read by the random passer by.

But anyway, so what’s going on? Okay, I’ll write it down. I’ll list it even since that’s making things easier for me these days. I have to first mention that I’m quite down today too. I have this nagging feeling about the election; what the world wants generally isn’t a good thing, as most people can agree. So it’s scaring me to death at what’s to come (though I know I shouldn’t be.) And since I’m so in the minority on this, I won’t say anything else about it. I just hope it really is the right thing.

So back to the list:

Librarian School still hasn’t given me a thumbs up or down and I’d really like to know if I’m in because otherwise I need to send transcripts to other schools (not that I have the money for that anyway. It seems like my stakes have to be set in this school I’m awaiting a word on anyway.)

I have been offered a temporary full time job at the Cape. This means I have to give up teaching in the afternoons and try to manage just teaching at night at least until Christmas. Today I have to meet with the professor who is taking over for me then meet with the class and get them ready for the exam next week. Plus, I have papers to grade and turn back so I have to make sure everything is accounted for before I turn them over to someone else. I like the students there, I do, but teaching in the afternoons has been a bit of a pain. I leave in heavy 5 o’clock Orlando traffic and I’m starving and ready to go home, just to have the empty apartment waiting for me. But I digress…

So, the new job requires security. I’ve gone through all the security clearance hoopla (even having to report the statistics of my ex and not B.B. which I found odd) and about my traffic violations (I can’t remember that stuff!) and the drug test (they tricked me and gave me a breathilizer too; good thing I didn’t have a beer the night before!) That should be cleared, if they get ahold of everyone who I listed as friends, neighbors and co-workers, and they don’t find any discrepancies in my file, in six to ten days. Next week, I’m hoping, will begin regular work.

11/10/2008
10:35

It’s not even 11 in the morning and I’m already hungry and making pasta for lunch. Oh well.
I’m also forcing myself to grade papers and get things in order. I really should tally grades up too but, alas, I just want to be done with the class I’m dropping and go back to fiddling around with fun work for the class I’m keeping. I met with the new teacher last week, the one who is taking over for me in for the afternoon class. I am so grateful for him to take this class over and I’m glad the students are optimistic about him teaching them. I can’t help but think how teachers are so stuck in their own ways and I’m wondering how this transition will go on Thursday. I keep thinking too, how the new teacher sort of gave me 20 questions about how and what I did things, even giving me the typical, “Well did you try this with them?” What was most “interesting” about the new teacher’s suggestions is that I’ve taught for a longer time and {cough cough} have more experience under my belt. But, we all know how people love to be; oh, let me give you my advice and my input on something you never asked me to give you advice or imput about.

Anyway, I’m done with that after today too. (Unless said new teacher continues to ask me questions about it. I’ll go as far as to mention that I’m a tender hearted gal and this is an older man so it’s safe to say we both have vastly different approaches to teaching.)

So back to this pasta I’m cooking. I’m back on my diet after going to every fast food place in town. I’ve thankfully not gotten too big but, alas, I have to really watch my intake again. I’m hoping with the full time job and the regular schedule it will cut my food down to size once again. I will no longer be sitting around being bored at night and munching as a form of entertainment. (I have even resorted to food shopping as an activity of exercise and mental occupation in the wee hours of evening.)

I’m starting a different exercise routine as the treadmill in my local gym has been broken for, oh, 3 months now (at least). I started jogging a bit on Friday and while I could be doing the same today, I have these papers around me and the starvation making me ill at the moment, so instead I’m typing and waiting for my whole wheat rotini to boil for 15 minutes.

11/11/2008
10:50
I’ll tell you what I’m sick of. I’m sick of stupid Firefox. I don’t understand why its add-ons break the browser. I don’t understand why some add-on toolbars show up whenever they feel like it. I don’t understand why websites simply won’t work in it sometimes. I don’t understand why it lost its appeal so quickly just by being crummy. I don’t understand how I can need, yet another browser, such as Chrome to combat Firefox’s lack of performance. And I thought IE was bad. Sheesh.

Anyway, I’ll put together this blog post today. It’s been a while so I really should get cracking on it. I worked at school late last night so some work is done, but, alas, some work still needs to be completed. And no calls for my new job yet, no calls from Librarian School. Only random hang up calls from Unknown callers as usual.

Man, I’ll be glad when I can work and get the credit monsters off my back, at least for a while.

12:31
No sooner did I write that when I was called for my new job. I start on Monday. Of course, thanks to my parents, I started getting that second guessing feeling of, “You know it’s only temp work. You only get temp work, you never get regular work like everyone else…” Stupid thoughts. At least I can fight them off a lot easier now though.

Photo credit: LivingWilderness

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