Delor.es.Defacto

she knew she had to change her plans

Basic space, open air April 4, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 10:08 pm
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Before bed time comes, I will update the blog so I won’t have to feel like I’m putting it off yet again.  Granted each day I feel like I should be giving up on this entirely because it can be construed as simply a space to complain.  Sort of an unproductive space rather than one that produces benefits.  But still, I think it does do me well to have this boxed in slate to type down some words that I don’t want to necessarily keep to myself and yet not necessarily let a bunch of people to see.  It’s just something to keep up – a project with limitations and expanses.

So what I wanted to comment on mainly today was how my life is so nice these days.  I am so excited for the future and each day I just concentrate on how nice it will be when the life I know that is waiting for me will come to fruition.  I’m being patient but I do wish I could pick up and leave right now.  I’ll see my mister before long and that is all that matters.  I miss him so much.

And because it’s Easter and a time to celebrate happy times, my ex friend decided to send, yet another, “I love you and miss you text” that made me disgusted.  Now, while it may seem that I’m being rude, I know it’s a ploy so I don’t respond.  Words without meaning are easy to see right through.  Actions, knowing and intuition are truth.  I know she has no real interest in being a real friend to me – it’s merely to show her family and friends who know I’ve not spoken to her to think that I am the “bad” guy.  I told her she treats people badly and I didn’t want her negativity, anger and criticism in my life anymore.  You would think she would have gotten the point by now.

Anyway, so that’s one thing I won’t miss around here.  That and the random knocking on my door by drunken strangers in the middle of the night.  The pit bulls without a lease.  The problems this nation is going through.  There’s so much that I can do without around here.

Six or so more months…

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=152

 

A place in a home that is safe and warm March 21, 2010

Filed under: miscellaneous — deloresdefacto @ 4:22 pm
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I’ve been sick for days and this is the first normal, productive act I’ve done since last week.  I had food poisoning, or the flu, or something equally as retched and now I’m almost 100%.  Still just tired all the time and that started early last week.  I should have known it was coming on.  I didn’t want to go to the gym, didn’t want to do any work, etc.  Now I know why.  I had to skip teaching one day because of how bad I felt.  It was for the best – no way I could have made it.  The driving alone would have been difficult.

While I was cooped up here alone doing nothing, I felt even more alone in this place.  I mean, seriously, it’s not natural to have no place to go and no one to talk to each day.  I mean, yes, I talk to my mister, but having him in the same home is completely different.  There’s a comfortable feeling that there’s actual living going on.  I don’t feel like a ghost or stuck in some day dream when I’m with him.  This is why my move is such a blessing – this is not the place I need to be.  I’ve known that for some time. 

So while I am waiting to recover, I’ll post this little update just to say I did.  I keep thinking I’ll keep updating twice a week but I just don’t.

I haven’t written, haven’t read, haven’t done anything but get a jumpstart on my diet.  I can’t eat much so that’s helped me shave a few pounds off.  So if I can keep up the lack of overeating (and I know I’m doing that out of boredom too) then I can get back to a ballpark weight that I’m more content with.  I ordered CDs:  Kasabian “West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum”, The XX “The XX”, and The White Stripes “Under Great White Northern Lights”.  I’ve watched a lot of television (there’s nothing on in the daytime;  if you ever want to know what you’re missing while you’re at work, don’t worry anymore.  There’s nothing interesting going on while your home except chat shows.)

Before I got sick I’d finally started writing (for myself only) a bunch of things I wanted to get off my chest about my former friend.  It helped a lot because I know nothing I have said will stay on my mind.  Once it’s out and expressed, even just for my own peace of mind, then it doesn’t have any bearing over me.  I was also getting myself ready for mister to be here and for me to be moved out.  I have a little over six months before I go and I am a pack rat so there’s a bunch of stuff I have to either donate or throw out.  I still think I should just have the moving van take my things to my parents’ house up north and keep my things I may want to take back slowly but surely (books, notebooks, etc.) in storage in town.  Again, it’s a big, wonderful project and I’m so thankful to have it.  I can keep my sanity knowing I’m getting out of this static state.

It’s raining quite hard out right now and I’ll lounge about on the couch some more as I’ve been doing all weekend.  The air this week has been so fresh and nice.  Spring is surely here. 

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=148

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She keeps on waiting for time out there February 20, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 11:27 pm
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As I sit here in the dark at 10PM, not doing anything productive other than typing in this blog, I’ve assumed a sense of complete stagnancy in my life here.  Today, I was driving with my mother around town and I just all of a sudden realized, “Oh yeah, I really am alive, and really driving this car and really living here…even though it doesn’t feel like it.”   It’s harder and harder to keep on being here and I cannot wait to get the heck out.  Not because I am angry and mad about where I live, it’s just nothing real.  I don’t feel alive.  I feel like I’m in Lost, in an alternate dimension where my real self is somewhere else.

So as I’m trying to get to my somewhere else, where my real life will be lead, I’ve run into a couple problems.  First of all, you can’t take a pet on any air carrier out of any city you dang well please.  And if you live in Florida, you can’t bring the pet over during the summer.  Completely crazy.  So now I have to figure out how to get this cat over there.  I don’t even know what city I can land on.  I don’t even know if he can go once his 6 months waiting period after his rabies test is up.  All I know is I am not going to wait any extra days or months if I can absolutely help it.  Aside from the fact that I can’t leave school in mid-term, I also don’t want to sign another lease or go without full time work any longer.  Not here.  Not on my own.

And that’s my update for today.  I’m still reading my journaling books and I’m still going to start putting together one with pictures but I just haven’t yet.  I’m keeping up with the regular daily one which I write in at the end of the day before bed.  I’ve figured out that I have to read and get myself sleepy before trying to sleep.  I’m always thinking of something else I could do before I sleep or getting up 12 times for random things before actually feeling that drift into sleep.  The being alone bit is more and more evident and it’s harder to feel comfortable when you want to be with the person who’s missing you too.  Each night I look around and think about packing up, driving to the airport and just leaving.  But I know I’ll get there.  This is just the waiting time.

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=136

 

A diary means yes indeed February 6, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 11:41 pm
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So I’ve been writing more in my journals at home.  I’ve been reading about journaling and I’ve found that if I just sit and give myself time to write there’s plenty to say.  This week I’ve been kind of downcast as I could say.  It started with getting ready to go to a baby shower;  seeing old friends and knowing I had to be happy for the mother to be.  And I am but it made me feel a bit more lonely.  Me and my mister still live apart and while I know I’ll be with him soon, it’s still hard to be here day after day alone.  I’m bored of the television. I’m bored of Sims 3.  I was incredibly tired for my last class and I kept forgetting what I was trying to say to them.  I was grumpy and agitated with myself.  But I know I’ll get over it;  that’s the beauty of being past all the depression and knowing that being in a funk and worn down doesn’t mean you’ll be caught in a web of despair.  It is this time of transition that is hard some days.  I know where I’m going but I’m not there yet.  If I didn’t have to wait on the cat I’d be ready to take off in a few months.  I just want this nice, clean start and right now I’m in this empty flat all by myself.  I do the washing up, I read my books, I write, I do my homework, I grade papers, I get ready for class, I nap a lot but none of it is the same as having someone at home who cares about you.  I’m ready for that.  The only excitement I have is knowing my life will be with him – the rest of this is the equivalent of a tacky magazine that I can read while sitting in a waiting room.  The key is to just wait well and my time to get to where I’m going will come.

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=135

 

So I went to your room and read your diary January 31, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 4:57 pm
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I’m reading The New Diary which was written in 1978 and was revised in 2004.  Although I don’t have that revised copy, I’ve searched through it via Amazon, and I see nothing in the index about blogs or online journals.  That’s a whole section that could be included in the “Sharing” section.  For me, my blog is the type of stuff I can have read at a semi protected level.  Only my mister reads this, as far as who in my real life knows about it.  Well, people from years ago at the club knew about it but either said something derogatory (isn’t that what their job at that club was anyway?) or never read it at all (they were too busy with their own wailings in their own blogs.)

But that’s no matter, now I have a nice clean place to write things that I’d like to have seen, but only for a second.  Like I’m letting someone peer into my notebook.  And I do use a notebook for my journals.  (There’s a section in the book about what kind of journal to keep;  typed, notebook, locked book, etc.)  I gave up on those big, pretty leather bound things.  I mean, I should keep something like that for the important things in my life, but I can’t stand how you can’t just fold them over and write on the back.  Notebooks are so much easier and less fussy.  I won’t say they’re cheaper as a nice notebook with a hard cover is $4 and a leather journal is $7.  Not much of a difference.  Plus the notebook has bigger pages, nice wide ruled lines (if you can find them;  why everyone wants tiny collegiate is beyond me;  who writes that small?) 

I use to stand for hours, looking at all the journals and notebooks at the office supply store.  I gave up doing that too.  I’m not going to force myself to be fancy when the important part is to just write.  Plus, I have the electronic journal that I keep on my computer that I use for my book idea (finally started putting ideas down in logical, organized format today – I got stirred up and found something that needed to be put down.)  Now, I write when it needs to be done.  I’m not obsessed with just myself (or at least I’m trying to learn not to be so self-absorbed; my life is not my own anymore, thankfully.)  So writing isn’t an every day, crying out to be heard by someone sort of act.  Even Lesley Arfin said something about how a happy kid doesn’t keep a diary.  It’s true.  Unless we have something inside that needs to be expressed in any way other than normal dialogue, then it gets written.  Otherwise, our life goes on as it should – the external overshadows the internal.

But I understand the need for a journal, so the grandkids and whomever else may want to know what I thought of and what I wrote about back in the day.  If they look at this blog, they’ll see a ton of change too, which is my main point.  I like chronically my life;  I always have.  But I did from an emotional standpoint.  Now it’s a more productive, event type log of my life.  Maybe I do need a nice leather bound book for something like that.  {shrug}

I’m already looking forward to the move.  Ah, January is over and only a handful of months left until I’m where I need to be.  I function here.  I have moments of contentment.  But I feel that I’m somewhere else each day.  My heart is there with my mister so the rest of me sits around here like a ghost.  I spend my time the best as I can (except for today that was supposed to be about getting ready to teach tomorrow.)  He’ll visit me here in the summer and see my life here.  (Then he’ll really know why I need to get out.)  I have to wait a bit to get the cat all sorted with his paperwork so he can have his pet passport.  Then we’ll be out and I’ll be onto my life there.  It’s so exciting.  I think about (and read about) how I was and how my life was a few years ago and now, here I am; a wonderful reward has been bestowed upon me.  I’m eternally grateful.

Now I have to go buy a big leather journal tonight. 

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=133

 

You know that I’m not scared to go home January 24, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 6:07 pm
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I’ve finished the second week of teaching and the first week my student classes has started.  The student classes seem fun for a change and the teacher classes are going well as far as I can tell.  However, I’ve noticed something that I’m going through quite obviously that I’m working through.  I’m defeating my fears one step at a time.  Well, I should say more that I’m learning to get past the fear easier.  I’ve always been afraid of new things or things which took me out of my same-ol-same-ol routine.  And before I just knew I didn’t have to go what I was afraid of.  I could avoid the situation all together.  But now I see how the fear is holding me back from doing what I need to do and I get past it each time and now the fear is more intense.

Before, fear was just an annoyance or an uncomfortable feeling.  Something that made me anxious or worried.  Now, when I have to do something that is causes fear, I completely choke. I get the thought in my head, “I can’t do this.  I won’t do it.  I just can’t.”  But I do it anyway.  I know I’ll do it.  I know I have to.  But before I get to the action and go through it all (miraculously), I completely panic beforehand.  Now, the plane, that was one thing.  That was fear of death.  This time it was something as simple as an evaluation at work.  But I’d had them before and remembered all the pain I went through caused by other people and I was afraid that I would be subjected to such torment again.  Actually, the fear isn’t in how people will see me, as I once thought.  It was a fear that I would fail myself.  That I wouldn’t be able to do something or be able to handle the situation. 

Yet it’s still very visceral.  I know it will all be fine, but the newness, the change, the knowing that I have to do this and it’s different;  that’s what causes the fear.  It’s like a caveman first seeing a space ship.  That newness and that unfamiliarity is petrifying.  So that’s what I’ve been working with myself to change.  The battle between me and my fears is timed just right as I go into my new, wonderful chapter of life with my mister.  I’m not afraid to be with him so everything else is minor.  But it all leads to where I’m going to be and nothing will stop me from getting there.  I think that’s why the little steps along the way make me scared.  I know the end result will be wonderful.

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=132

 

Teacher thinks that I sound funny but she likes the way you sing January 14, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 2:30 pm
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This entry is a bit overdue, I realize.  I had a busy week, which is a good thing, but I need to make sure I’m stopping to write.  One of my New Year’s resolutions was to write each day and this blog needs periodic attention.  Usually I have plenty to say about anything that happens in my daily life.  I can write about writing if all else fails. 

But this week I went back to teaching so I’ll have a bit more to inspire me to write and, honestly, something to deter me from doing so.  I only have two classes and already I can see how easy it is to get very involved and take up days working on one lesson.  I’m glad for it though.  I’ve had so many times that I didn’t do well in my classes but now I’m even more determined to do my best.  I think I’ve done well so far.  The first day I got nervous and my voice shook (which is worse when you are visibly nervous and you are trying to hard to put on that essential cool, confident demeanor.)  But the second day I was myself and got through it fine (fine as in pretty good.)  I think it just takes me a little more time to get things;  or at least it did in the past.  Now I’m more willing to devote myself to something I know I should be doing.  Right now I need to be doing this, so I will work my best at teaching reading and writing.

I’m excited however, that this term proves the finale to my time here and then I’ll be moving on.  Winter is a perfect time to get prepared for a break in a 19 year old rut (that’s how long I’ve lived here – not in this apartment, but in this town.)  I look around here and think about how I can leave it behind without any hesitation.  Again, I know what I should be doing and where I need to go. 

Until then, I have to do the same old routine of taking care of just myself, but the work helps.  I’ll be taking my new classes (as a student) again next week, so that will give me plenty of things to occupy my time. 

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=130