Delor.es.Defacto

she knew she had to change her plans

Basic space, open air April 4, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 10:08 pm
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Before bed time comes, I will update the blog so I won’t have to feel like I’m putting it off yet again.  Granted each day I feel like I should be giving up on this entirely because it can be construed as simply a space to complain.  Sort of an unproductive space rather than one that produces benefits.  But still, I think it does do me well to have this boxed in slate to type down some words that I don’t want to necessarily keep to myself and yet not necessarily let a bunch of people to see.  It’s just something to keep up – a project with limitations and expanses.

So what I wanted to comment on mainly today was how my life is so nice these days.  I am so excited for the future and each day I just concentrate on how nice it will be when the life I know that is waiting for me will come to fruition.  I’m being patient but I do wish I could pick up and leave right now.  I’ll see my mister before long and that is all that matters.  I miss him so much.

And because it’s Easter and a time to celebrate happy times, my ex friend decided to send, yet another, “I love you and miss you text” that made me disgusted.  Now, while it may seem that I’m being rude, I know it’s a ploy so I don’t respond.  Words without meaning are easy to see right through.  Actions, knowing and intuition are truth.  I know she has no real interest in being a real friend to me – it’s merely to show her family and friends who know I’ve not spoken to her to think that I am the “bad” guy.  I told her she treats people badly and I didn’t want her negativity, anger and criticism in my life anymore.  You would think she would have gotten the point by now.

Anyway, so that’s one thing I won’t miss around here.  That and the random knocking on my door by drunken strangers in the middle of the night.  The pit bulls without a lease.  The problems this nation is going through.  There’s so much that I can do without around here.

Six or so more months…

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She keeps on waiting for time out there February 20, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 11:27 pm
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As I sit here in the dark at 10PM, not doing anything productive other than typing in this blog, I’ve assumed a sense of complete stagnancy in my life here.  Today, I was driving with my mother around town and I just all of a sudden realized, “Oh yeah, I really am alive, and really driving this car and really living here…even though it doesn’t feel like it.”   It’s harder and harder to keep on being here and I cannot wait to get the heck out.  Not because I am angry and mad about where I live, it’s just nothing real.  I don’t feel alive.  I feel like I’m in Lost, in an alternate dimension where my real self is somewhere else.

So as I’m trying to get to my somewhere else, where my real life will be lead, I’ve run into a couple problems.  First of all, you can’t take a pet on any air carrier out of any city you dang well please.  And if you live in Florida, you can’t bring the pet over during the summer.  Completely crazy.  So now I have to figure out how to get this cat over there.  I don’t even know what city I can land on.  I don’t even know if he can go once his 6 months waiting period after his rabies test is up.  All I know is I am not going to wait any extra days or months if I can absolutely help it.  Aside from the fact that I can’t leave school in mid-term, I also don’t want to sign another lease or go without full time work any longer.  Not here.  Not on my own.

And that’s my update for today.  I’m still reading my journaling books and I’m still going to start putting together one with pictures but I just haven’t yet.  I’m keeping up with the regular daily one which I write in at the end of the day before bed.  I’ve figured out that I have to read and get myself sleepy before trying to sleep.  I’m always thinking of something else I could do before I sleep or getting up 12 times for random things before actually feeling that drift into sleep.  The being alone bit is more and more evident and it’s harder to feel comfortable when you want to be with the person who’s missing you too.  Each night I look around and think about packing up, driving to the airport and just leaving.  But I know I’ll get there.  This is just the waiting time.

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A diary means yes indeed February 6, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 11:41 pm
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So I’ve been writing more in my journals at home.  I’ve been reading about journaling and I’ve found that if I just sit and give myself time to write there’s plenty to say.  This week I’ve been kind of downcast as I could say.  It started with getting ready to go to a baby shower;  seeing old friends and knowing I had to be happy for the mother to be.  And I am but it made me feel a bit more lonely.  Me and my mister still live apart and while I know I’ll be with him soon, it’s still hard to be here day after day alone.  I’m bored of the television. I’m bored of Sims 3.  I was incredibly tired for my last class and I kept forgetting what I was trying to say to them.  I was grumpy and agitated with myself.  But I know I’ll get over it;  that’s the beauty of being past all the depression and knowing that being in a funk and worn down doesn’t mean you’ll be caught in a web of despair.  It is this time of transition that is hard some days.  I know where I’m going but I’m not there yet.  If I didn’t have to wait on the cat I’d be ready to take off in a few months.  I just want this nice, clean start and right now I’m in this empty flat all by myself.  I do the washing up, I read my books, I write, I do my homework, I grade papers, I get ready for class, I nap a lot but none of it is the same as having someone at home who cares about you.  I’m ready for that.  The only excitement I have is knowing my life will be with him – the rest of this is the equivalent of a tacky magazine that I can read while sitting in a waiting room.  The key is to just wait well and my time to get to where I’m going will come.

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So I went to your room and read your diary January 31, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 4:57 pm
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I’m reading The New Diary which was written in 1978 and was revised in 2004.  Although I don’t have that revised copy, I’ve searched through it via Amazon, and I see nothing in the index about blogs or online journals.  That’s a whole section that could be included in the “Sharing” section.  For me, my blog is the type of stuff I can have read at a semi protected level.  Only my mister reads this, as far as who in my real life knows about it.  Well, people from years ago at the club knew about it but either said something derogatory (isn’t that what their job at that club was anyway?) or never read it at all (they were too busy with their own wailings in their own blogs.)

But that’s no matter, now I have a nice clean place to write things that I’d like to have seen, but only for a second.  Like I’m letting someone peer into my notebook.  And I do use a notebook for my journals.  (There’s a section in the book about what kind of journal to keep;  typed, notebook, locked book, etc.)  I gave up on those big, pretty leather bound things.  I mean, I should keep something like that for the important things in my life, but I can’t stand how you can’t just fold them over and write on the back.  Notebooks are so much easier and less fussy.  I won’t say they’re cheaper as a nice notebook with a hard cover is $4 and a leather journal is $7.  Not much of a difference.  Plus the notebook has bigger pages, nice wide ruled lines (if you can find them;  why everyone wants tiny collegiate is beyond me;  who writes that small?) 

I use to stand for hours, looking at all the journals and notebooks at the office supply store.  I gave up doing that too.  I’m not going to force myself to be fancy when the important part is to just write.  Plus, I have the electronic journal that I keep on my computer that I use for my book idea (finally started putting ideas down in logical, organized format today – I got stirred up and found something that needed to be put down.)  Now, I write when it needs to be done.  I’m not obsessed with just myself (or at least I’m trying to learn not to be so self-absorbed; my life is not my own anymore, thankfully.)  So writing isn’t an every day, crying out to be heard by someone sort of act.  Even Lesley Arfin said something about how a happy kid doesn’t keep a diary.  It’s true.  Unless we have something inside that needs to be expressed in any way other than normal dialogue, then it gets written.  Otherwise, our life goes on as it should – the external overshadows the internal.

But I understand the need for a journal, so the grandkids and whomever else may want to know what I thought of and what I wrote about back in the day.  If they look at this blog, they’ll see a ton of change too, which is my main point.  I like chronically my life;  I always have.  But I did from an emotional standpoint.  Now it’s a more productive, event type log of my life.  Maybe I do need a nice leather bound book for something like that.  {shrug}

I’m already looking forward to the move.  Ah, January is over and only a handful of months left until I’m where I need to be.  I function here.  I have moments of contentment.  But I feel that I’m somewhere else each day.  My heart is there with my mister so the rest of me sits around here like a ghost.  I spend my time the best as I can (except for today that was supposed to be about getting ready to teach tomorrow.)  He’ll visit me here in the summer and see my life here.  (Then he’ll really know why I need to get out.)  I have to wait a bit to get the cat all sorted with his paperwork so he can have his pet passport.  Then we’ll be out and I’ll be onto my life there.  It’s so exciting.  I think about (and read about) how I was and how my life was a few years ago and now, here I am; a wonderful reward has been bestowed upon me.  I’m eternally grateful.

Now I have to go buy a big leather journal tonight. 

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=133

 

That’s when you know that you have to fly December 21, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 1:58 am
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As is the way when you write, that you’re supposed to work as you’re inspired and work continually.  I, therefore, have to write something today because I haven’t put anything down on paper, even in my notebook journal, today.  I wanted to write this blog post a few days ago anyway, so this will be another sporadically added entry.  But no matter.  As long as I keep this blog up a bit, I will be content.

I chose the picture and the title because I overcame my fear of flying.  Well, for the most part I think.  On my way to see my mister I had my first all out panic attack.  Now, I’ve been scared and upset before but not to the extreme that I had at the airport.  But thanks to him, I was able to calm down and remember that my life isn’t all about me anymore, and that’s good.  I have someone else to care for and who needs me, so sitting there being afraid of nothing was keeping my focus on me.  And it’s so easy to sit here for months and worry about something.  So when the time came to face the fear me and my lessons from Flying without Fear I got through it.  I highly recommend this to anyone who is worried about flying;  it puts everything into perspective by a retired British Airways captain.

What the trip proved to me is that I am ready to take the steps necessary to secure my future.  Being afraid is just something devilish that deters you from your goal.  It keeps you from being logical, brave, strong, determined, etc.  I’m so glad I know what awaits me and how happy it makes me.  Everything I’m aiming for is right for me, so the settled feeling in my soul is wonderful.

With that said, I’ve been realizing a lot about how great it is that I’m moving out of my past and old ways.  My ex-friend is still texting me and trying to contact me.  I certainly would not try to keep contacting someone whom I wasn’t that close to in the past 3 years, whom I hadn’t verbally spoken to in almost one year, and whom told me I was an angry, shouty, selfish person.  But, hey, that’s just me.  I would take the criticism and ignore them.  I had that happen before and it ended up that we’re friends again now, though I make sure to keep my distance with her.  But that lead me to think about how all of my past friends were the type who were angry, critical and “self righteous” as one of my old friends put it.  And once I was friends with them, I started to see how they liked to use me to make themselves feel better.  It was usually verbal or being asked for “favors” over and over and used, basically.  Used emotionally for the most part.  And, yes, I offered up friendship and got to know them well but I never asked anything of them except friendship.  When I saw that the friendship they offered wasn’t good for me, it was quite hard on them.  I never felt a lasting closeness to them.  It was like all the time I knew something wasn’t right.

But then once I started working, I met girls who were genuinely nice and who had their own life and didn’t need me to be their friend.  They didn’t ask me for anything continuously or try to critique me just so they could feel superior.  After I finally snapped out of my depression and started getting my life on track, I didn’t realize how much time I wasted on the wrong people.  Now I have the right people in my life and it’s just so, so much better. 

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