Delor.es.Defacto

she knew she had to change her plans

You know that I’m not scared to go home January 24, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 6:07 pm
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I’ve finished the second week of teaching and the first week my student classes has started.  The student classes seem fun for a change and the teacher classes are going well as far as I can tell.  However, I’ve noticed something that I’m going through quite obviously that I’m working through.  I’m defeating my fears one step at a time.  Well, I should say more that I’m learning to get past the fear easier.  I’ve always been afraid of new things or things which took me out of my same-ol-same-ol routine.  And before I just knew I didn’t have to go what I was afraid of.  I could avoid the situation all together.  But now I see how the fear is holding me back from doing what I need to do and I get past it each time and now the fear is more intense.

Before, fear was just an annoyance or an uncomfortable feeling.  Something that made me anxious or worried.  Now, when I have to do something that is causes fear, I completely choke. I get the thought in my head, “I can’t do this.  I won’t do it.  I just can’t.”  But I do it anyway.  I know I’ll do it.  I know I have to.  But before I get to the action and go through it all (miraculously), I completely panic beforehand.  Now, the plane, that was one thing.  That was fear of death.  This time it was something as simple as an evaluation at work.  But I’d had them before and remembered all the pain I went through caused by other people and I was afraid that I would be subjected to such torment again.  Actually, the fear isn’t in how people will see me, as I once thought.  It was a fear that I would fail myself.  That I wouldn’t be able to do something or be able to handle the situation. 

Yet it’s still very visceral.  I know it will all be fine, but the newness, the change, the knowing that I have to do this and it’s different;  that’s what causes the fear.  It’s like a caveman first seeing a space ship.  That newness and that unfamiliarity is petrifying.  So that’s what I’ve been working with myself to change.  The battle between me and my fears is timed just right as I go into my new, wonderful chapter of life with my mister.  I’m not afraid to be with him so everything else is minor.  But it all leads to where I’m going to be and nothing will stop me from getting there.  I think that’s why the little steps along the way make me scared.  I know the end result will be wonderful.

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=132

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