Delor.es.Defacto

she knew she had to change her plans

A place in a home that is safe and warm March 21, 2010

Filed under: miscellaneous — deloresdefacto @ 4:22 pm
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I’ve been sick for days and this is the first normal, productive act I’ve done since last week.  I had food poisoning, or the flu, or something equally as retched and now I’m almost 100%.  Still just tired all the time and that started early last week.  I should have known it was coming on.  I didn’t want to go to the gym, didn’t want to do any work, etc.  Now I know why.  I had to skip teaching one day because of how bad I felt.  It was for the best – no way I could have made it.  The driving alone would have been difficult.

While I was cooped up here alone doing nothing, I felt even more alone in this place.  I mean, seriously, it’s not natural to have no place to go and no one to talk to each day.  I mean, yes, I talk to my mister, but having him in the same home is completely different.  There’s a comfortable feeling that there’s actual living going on.  I don’t feel like a ghost or stuck in some day dream when I’m with him.  This is why my move is such a blessing – this is not the place I need to be.  I’ve known that for some time. 

So while I am waiting to recover, I’ll post this little update just to say I did.  I keep thinking I’ll keep updating twice a week but I just don’t.

I haven’t written, haven’t read, haven’t done anything but get a jumpstart on my diet.  I can’t eat much so that’s helped me shave a few pounds off.  So if I can keep up the lack of overeating (and I know I’m doing that out of boredom too) then I can get back to a ballpark weight that I’m more content with.  I ordered CDs:  Kasabian “West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum”, The XX “The XX”, and The White Stripes “Under Great White Northern Lights”.  I’ve watched a lot of television (there’s nothing on in the daytime;  if you ever want to know what you’re missing while you’re at work, don’t worry anymore.  There’s nothing interesting going on while your home except chat shows.)

Before I got sick I’d finally started writing (for myself only) a bunch of things I wanted to get off my chest about my former friend.  It helped a lot because I know nothing I have said will stay on my mind.  Once it’s out and expressed, even just for my own peace of mind, then it doesn’t have any bearing over me.  I was also getting myself ready for mister to be here and for me to be moved out.  I have a little over six months before I go and I am a pack rat so there’s a bunch of stuff I have to either donate or throw out.  I still think I should just have the moving van take my things to my parents’ house up north and keep my things I may want to take back slowly but surely (books, notebooks, etc.) in storage in town.  Again, it’s a big, wonderful project and I’m so thankful to have it.  I can keep my sanity knowing I’m getting out of this static state.

It’s raining quite hard out right now and I’ll lounge about on the couch some more as I’ve been doing all weekend.  The air this week has been so fresh and nice.  Spring is surely here. 

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=148

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Looking down at the crumbs on the ground March 2, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 2:34 pm
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In my classes, I’ve been talking about how when an author uses a clear blue sky, it’s supposed to represent clarity of conscious, being open minded, accepting God’s grace, hope, new life and opportunity.  It won’t be long until my mister is here with me for a bit.  Then as soon as I can get myself sorted and moved, I’m out of here.  It’s not a place you want to make your life permanent;  not that I can see.  It’s a visiting place or a stopping point.  It’s been fine and I like it but there’s so much more out there (and absolutely nothing here to keep someone interesting in keeping up residence).  So each day I’m itching more and more to get out.  I’m bored beyond belief most evenings and it’s to the point I get so listless and feel defeated.  I spent hours in bed the other day, just to get Monday going so I could work and have something to do.  I definitely need to move.

So, until then, I’m trying to get this cat passport stuff organized but the vet’s have already given me a couple of hindrances.  First of all, they didn’t tell me to not feed the cat after midnight before he got his blood test done.  Now I have to go through that whole painful event of getting him into the cage and to the vet’s.  It’s traumatic on both of us (plus my pocket book.)  Then I’ve sent in forms that I got online that is for the EU Pet Passport and the blood test and the vet’s verification, etc.  Some of those things ask for the cat’s microchip number and the vet’s signature.  I forwarded those to the office in email, thanked them profusely for their help and bother they have to go through.  But last night I got an email with, “no, don’t send us these, just bring what you need in.”  Um…did you even look at the forms where it says “must be typed and printed by the vet”?  I’m not putting my whole trust in this office crew that they will do what I know needs to be done.  All I can do is my part;  research what papers need to be in order and stay on top of the vet’s to make sure it’s done properly.  I’m not trying to be overzealous or pushy but this is my life and my money I’m spending to undertake this whole thing.  Having a cat sitting in quarantine at an airport 4 hours away from home is not something that I want.

Ah, home.  Isn’t it a nice word?

I’m glad that it will be a place where I can work full time for more than the compensation for Unemployment (and that’s for a Master’s Degree to teach at a state college, by the way).  I’m glad that it will be somewhere I can spend my days and nights with my mister instead of trying to keep my brains occupied with reruns on television.  I’m glad that I can be away from this place I have no attachment to anymore.

Anyway, aside from the pet rigmarole I ordered a couple of books on journaling (I’ve not been reading as much as I could be but the daily hard cover journal I’m at least keeping up with in small paragraphs most days.)  I now have Time to Write to Yourself and The Many Faces of Journaling.  I know the descriptions make it seem as if it’s a self healing process that needs to be learned.  I’m just interested in getting ideas and seeing what other people write in their journals.  I’ve always been interested in novels that are written that way and that type of narration in movies and television.  Since I’m interested in it now and want to read about it, I may as well encourage the habit.

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=143

 

She keeps on waiting for time out there February 20, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 11:27 pm
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As I sit here in the dark at 10PM, not doing anything productive other than typing in this blog, I’ve assumed a sense of complete stagnancy in my life here.  Today, I was driving with my mother around town and I just all of a sudden realized, “Oh yeah, I really am alive, and really driving this car and really living here…even though it doesn’t feel like it.”   It’s harder and harder to keep on being here and I cannot wait to get the heck out.  Not because I am angry and mad about where I live, it’s just nothing real.  I don’t feel alive.  I feel like I’m in Lost, in an alternate dimension where my real self is somewhere else.

So as I’m trying to get to my somewhere else, where my real life will be lead, I’ve run into a couple problems.  First of all, you can’t take a pet on any air carrier out of any city you dang well please.  And if you live in Florida, you can’t bring the pet over during the summer.  Completely crazy.  So now I have to figure out how to get this cat over there.  I don’t even know what city I can land on.  I don’t even know if he can go once his 6 months waiting period after his rabies test is up.  All I know is I am not going to wait any extra days or months if I can absolutely help it.  Aside from the fact that I can’t leave school in mid-term, I also don’t want to sign another lease or go without full time work any longer.  Not here.  Not on my own.

And that’s my update for today.  I’m still reading my journaling books and I’m still going to start putting together one with pictures but I just haven’t yet.  I’m keeping up with the regular daily one which I write in at the end of the day before bed.  I’ve figured out that I have to read and get myself sleepy before trying to sleep.  I’m always thinking of something else I could do before I sleep or getting up 12 times for random things before actually feeling that drift into sleep.  The being alone bit is more and more evident and it’s harder to feel comfortable when you want to be with the person who’s missing you too.  Each night I look around and think about packing up, driving to the airport and just leaving.  But I know I’ll get there.  This is just the waiting time.

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=136

 

A diary means yes indeed February 6, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 11:41 pm
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So I’ve been writing more in my journals at home.  I’ve been reading about journaling and I’ve found that if I just sit and give myself time to write there’s plenty to say.  This week I’ve been kind of downcast as I could say.  It started with getting ready to go to a baby shower;  seeing old friends and knowing I had to be happy for the mother to be.  And I am but it made me feel a bit more lonely.  Me and my mister still live apart and while I know I’ll be with him soon, it’s still hard to be here day after day alone.  I’m bored of the television. I’m bored of Sims 3.  I was incredibly tired for my last class and I kept forgetting what I was trying to say to them.  I was grumpy and agitated with myself.  But I know I’ll get over it;  that’s the beauty of being past all the depression and knowing that being in a funk and worn down doesn’t mean you’ll be caught in a web of despair.  It is this time of transition that is hard some days.  I know where I’m going but I’m not there yet.  If I didn’t have to wait on the cat I’d be ready to take off in a few months.  I just want this nice, clean start and right now I’m in this empty flat all by myself.  I do the washing up, I read my books, I write, I do my homework, I grade papers, I get ready for class, I nap a lot but none of it is the same as having someone at home who cares about you.  I’m ready for that.  The only excitement I have is knowing my life will be with him – the rest of this is the equivalent of a tacky magazine that I can read while sitting in a waiting room.  The key is to just wait well and my time to get to where I’m going will come.

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=135

 

So I went to your room and read your diary January 31, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 4:57 pm
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I’m reading The New Diary which was written in 1978 and was revised in 2004.  Although I don’t have that revised copy, I’ve searched through it via Amazon, and I see nothing in the index about blogs or online journals.  That’s a whole section that could be included in the “Sharing” section.  For me, my blog is the type of stuff I can have read at a semi protected level.  Only my mister reads this, as far as who in my real life knows about it.  Well, people from years ago at the club knew about it but either said something derogatory (isn’t that what their job at that club was anyway?) or never read it at all (they were too busy with their own wailings in their own blogs.)

But that’s no matter, now I have a nice clean place to write things that I’d like to have seen, but only for a second.  Like I’m letting someone peer into my notebook.  And I do use a notebook for my journals.  (There’s a section in the book about what kind of journal to keep;  typed, notebook, locked book, etc.)  I gave up on those big, pretty leather bound things.  I mean, I should keep something like that for the important things in my life, but I can’t stand how you can’t just fold them over and write on the back.  Notebooks are so much easier and less fussy.  I won’t say they’re cheaper as a nice notebook with a hard cover is $4 and a leather journal is $7.  Not much of a difference.  Plus the notebook has bigger pages, nice wide ruled lines (if you can find them;  why everyone wants tiny collegiate is beyond me;  who writes that small?) 

I use to stand for hours, looking at all the journals and notebooks at the office supply store.  I gave up doing that too.  I’m not going to force myself to be fancy when the important part is to just write.  Plus, I have the electronic journal that I keep on my computer that I use for my book idea (finally started putting ideas down in logical, organized format today – I got stirred up and found something that needed to be put down.)  Now, I write when it needs to be done.  I’m not obsessed with just myself (or at least I’m trying to learn not to be so self-absorbed; my life is not my own anymore, thankfully.)  So writing isn’t an every day, crying out to be heard by someone sort of act.  Even Lesley Arfin said something about how a happy kid doesn’t keep a diary.  It’s true.  Unless we have something inside that needs to be expressed in any way other than normal dialogue, then it gets written.  Otherwise, our life goes on as it should – the external overshadows the internal.

But I understand the need for a journal, so the grandkids and whomever else may want to know what I thought of and what I wrote about back in the day.  If they look at this blog, they’ll see a ton of change too, which is my main point.  I like chronically my life;  I always have.  But I did from an emotional standpoint.  Now it’s a more productive, event type log of my life.  Maybe I do need a nice leather bound book for something like that.  {shrug}

I’m already looking forward to the move.  Ah, January is over and only a handful of months left until I’m where I need to be.  I function here.  I have moments of contentment.  But I feel that I’m somewhere else each day.  My heart is there with my mister so the rest of me sits around here like a ghost.  I spend my time the best as I can (except for today that was supposed to be about getting ready to teach tomorrow.)  He’ll visit me here in the summer and see my life here.  (Then he’ll really know why I need to get out.)  I have to wait a bit to get the cat all sorted with his paperwork so he can have his pet passport.  Then we’ll be out and I’ll be onto my life there.  It’s so exciting.  I think about (and read about) how I was and how my life was a few years ago and now, here I am; a wonderful reward has been bestowed upon me.  I’m eternally grateful.

Now I have to go buy a big leather journal tonight. 

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