Delor.es.Defacto

she knew she had to change her plans

So I went to your room and read your diary January 31, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 4:57 pm
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I’m reading The New Diary which was written in 1978 and was revised in 2004.  Although I don’t have that revised copy, I’ve searched through it via Amazon, and I see nothing in the index about blogs or online journals.  That’s a whole section that could be included in the “Sharing” section.  For me, my blog is the type of stuff I can have read at a semi protected level.  Only my mister reads this, as far as who in my real life knows about it.  Well, people from years ago at the club knew about it but either said something derogatory (isn’t that what their job at that club was anyway?) or never read it at all (they were too busy with their own wailings in their own blogs.)

But that’s no matter, now I have a nice clean place to write things that I’d like to have seen, but only for a second.  Like I’m letting someone peer into my notebook.  And I do use a notebook for my journals.  (There’s a section in the book about what kind of journal to keep;  typed, notebook, locked book, etc.)  I gave up on those big, pretty leather bound things.  I mean, I should keep something like that for the important things in my life, but I can’t stand how you can’t just fold them over and write on the back.  Notebooks are so much easier and less fussy.  I won’t say they’re cheaper as a nice notebook with a hard cover is $4 and a leather journal is $7.  Not much of a difference.  Plus the notebook has bigger pages, nice wide ruled lines (if you can find them;  why everyone wants tiny collegiate is beyond me;  who writes that small?) 

I use to stand for hours, looking at all the journals and notebooks at the office supply store.  I gave up doing that too.  I’m not going to force myself to be fancy when the important part is to just write.  Plus, I have the electronic journal that I keep on my computer that I use for my book idea (finally started putting ideas down in logical, organized format today – I got stirred up and found something that needed to be put down.)  Now, I write when it needs to be done.  I’m not obsessed with just myself (or at least I’m trying to learn not to be so self-absorbed; my life is not my own anymore, thankfully.)  So writing isn’t an every day, crying out to be heard by someone sort of act.  Even Lesley Arfin said something about how a happy kid doesn’t keep a diary.  It’s true.  Unless we have something inside that needs to be expressed in any way other than normal dialogue, then it gets written.  Otherwise, our life goes on as it should – the external overshadows the internal.

But I understand the need for a journal, so the grandkids and whomever else may want to know what I thought of and what I wrote about back in the day.  If they look at this blog, they’ll see a ton of change too, which is my main point.  I like chronically my life;  I always have.  But I did from an emotional standpoint.  Now it’s a more productive, event type log of my life.  Maybe I do need a nice leather bound book for something like that.  {shrug}

I’m already looking forward to the move.  Ah, January is over and only a handful of months left until I’m where I need to be.  I function here.  I have moments of contentment.  But I feel that I’m somewhere else each day.  My heart is there with my mister so the rest of me sits around here like a ghost.  I spend my time the best as I can (except for today that was supposed to be about getting ready to teach tomorrow.)  He’ll visit me here in the summer and see my life here.  (Then he’ll really know why I need to get out.)  I have to wait a bit to get the cat all sorted with his paperwork so he can have his pet passport.  Then we’ll be out and I’ll be onto my life there.  It’s so exciting.  I think about (and read about) how I was and how my life was a few years ago and now, here I am; a wonderful reward has been bestowed upon me.  I’m eternally grateful.

Now I have to go buy a big leather journal tonight. 

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You know that I’m not scared to go home January 24, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 6:07 pm
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I’ve finished the second week of teaching and the first week my student classes has started.  The student classes seem fun for a change and the teacher classes are going well as far as I can tell.  However, I’ve noticed something that I’m going through quite obviously that I’m working through.  I’m defeating my fears one step at a time.  Well, I should say more that I’m learning to get past the fear easier.  I’ve always been afraid of new things or things which took me out of my same-ol-same-ol routine.  And before I just knew I didn’t have to go what I was afraid of.  I could avoid the situation all together.  But now I see how the fear is holding me back from doing what I need to do and I get past it each time and now the fear is more intense.

Before, fear was just an annoyance or an uncomfortable feeling.  Something that made me anxious or worried.  Now, when I have to do something that is causes fear, I completely choke. I get the thought in my head, “I can’t do this.  I won’t do it.  I just can’t.”  But I do it anyway.  I know I’ll do it.  I know I have to.  But before I get to the action and go through it all (miraculously), I completely panic beforehand.  Now, the plane, that was one thing.  That was fear of death.  This time it was something as simple as an evaluation at work.  But I’d had them before and remembered all the pain I went through caused by other people and I was afraid that I would be subjected to such torment again.  Actually, the fear isn’t in how people will see me, as I once thought.  It was a fear that I would fail myself.  That I wouldn’t be able to do something or be able to handle the situation. 

Yet it’s still very visceral.  I know it will all be fine, but the newness, the change, the knowing that I have to do this and it’s different;  that’s what causes the fear.  It’s like a caveman first seeing a space ship.  That newness and that unfamiliarity is petrifying.  So that’s what I’ve been working with myself to change.  The battle between me and my fears is timed just right as I go into my new, wonderful chapter of life with my mister.  I’m not afraid to be with him so everything else is minor.  But it all leads to where I’m going to be and nothing will stop me from getting there.  I think that’s why the little steps along the way make me scared.  I know the end result will be wonderful.

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Teacher thinks that I sound funny but she likes the way you sing January 14, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 2:30 pm
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This entry is a bit overdue, I realize.  I had a busy week, which is a good thing, but I need to make sure I’m stopping to write.  One of my New Year’s resolutions was to write each day and this blog needs periodic attention.  Usually I have plenty to say about anything that happens in my daily life.  I can write about writing if all else fails. 

But this week I went back to teaching so I’ll have a bit more to inspire me to write and, honestly, something to deter me from doing so.  I only have two classes and already I can see how easy it is to get very involved and take up days working on one lesson.  I’m glad for it though.  I’ve had so many times that I didn’t do well in my classes but now I’m even more determined to do my best.  I think I’ve done well so far.  The first day I got nervous and my voice shook (which is worse when you are visibly nervous and you are trying to hard to put on that essential cool, confident demeanor.)  But the second day I was myself and got through it fine (fine as in pretty good.)  I think it just takes me a little more time to get things;  or at least it did in the past.  Now I’m more willing to devote myself to something I know I should be doing.  Right now I need to be doing this, so I will work my best at teaching reading and writing.

I’m excited however, that this term proves the finale to my time here and then I’ll be moving on.  Winter is a perfect time to get prepared for a break in a 19 year old rut (that’s how long I’ve lived here – not in this apartment, but in this town.)  I look around here and think about how I can leave it behind without any hesitation.  Again, I know what I should be doing and where I need to go. 

Until then, I have to do the same old routine of taking care of just myself, but the work helps.  I’ll be taking my new classes (as a student) again next week, so that will give me plenty of things to occupy my time. 

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I know that it’s true it’s gonna be a good year January 3, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 11:55 pm
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It’s almost Monday and the beginning of the work week.  Now that we’ve all had our vacations it is time to get back to our routines.  Even myself.  I have to get back to my 300 words at least twice a week.  This is the best time to get back into that mode as well.

I’ve been writing more.  Not so much in blog form, but with Chrysanth NETime Diary and my regular notebook.  That was one of my resolutions, or accomplishments, or whatever you want to call the list I made of what I want to have happen in 2010.  I keep getting together ideas for what book I’m going to write and I need it in type form.  (Even if I am using Calibri, 11 point font.) 

I also have a job now.  And while it’s not a prestigious job, it is one nonetheless.  I have somewhere to go, something to focus on and some way to use my skills.  I’m teaching again at another junior college.  I’m excited about it because I do enjoy the subjects that I need to know about to teach at the college level.  And I know I can do well at this job, so I’m making sure I do my best; even though I know it’s just for a term.

Yes, this is the new year and this is when my life will take its new turn into the right direction.  I’m excited that it won’t be long until I’ve moved and living where I need to be.  Years ago all of this would have seemed like such a big step and an absurd idea.  But it’s really not.  It’s so natural and easy for me to live somewhere else and be with who I want to be with (my Mister).  There’s nothing that makes it feel anything less than normal and good.

Wow, I don’t really say much in 300 words, do I?

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That’s when you know that you have to fly December 21, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 1:58 am
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As is the way when you write, that you’re supposed to work as you’re inspired and work continually.  I, therefore, have to write something today because I haven’t put anything down on paper, even in my notebook journal, today.  I wanted to write this blog post a few days ago anyway, so this will be another sporadically added entry.  But no matter.  As long as I keep this blog up a bit, I will be content.

I chose the picture and the title because I overcame my fear of flying.  Well, for the most part I think.  On my way to see my mister I had my first all out panic attack.  Now, I’ve been scared and upset before but not to the extreme that I had at the airport.  But thanks to him, I was able to calm down and remember that my life isn’t all about me anymore, and that’s good.  I have someone else to care for and who needs me, so sitting there being afraid of nothing was keeping my focus on me.  And it’s so easy to sit here for months and worry about something.  So when the time came to face the fear me and my lessons from Flying without Fear I got through it.  I highly recommend this to anyone who is worried about flying;  it puts everything into perspective by a retired British Airways captain.

What the trip proved to me is that I am ready to take the steps necessary to secure my future.  Being afraid is just something devilish that deters you from your goal.  It keeps you from being logical, brave, strong, determined, etc.  I’m so glad I know what awaits me and how happy it makes me.  Everything I’m aiming for is right for me, so the settled feeling in my soul is wonderful.

With that said, I’ve been realizing a lot about how great it is that I’m moving out of my past and old ways.  My ex-friend is still texting me and trying to contact me.  I certainly would not try to keep contacting someone whom I wasn’t that close to in the past 3 years, whom I hadn’t verbally spoken to in almost one year, and whom told me I was an angry, shouty, selfish person.  But, hey, that’s just me.  I would take the criticism and ignore them.  I had that happen before and it ended up that we’re friends again now, though I make sure to keep my distance with her.  But that lead me to think about how all of my past friends were the type who were angry, critical and “self righteous” as one of my old friends put it.  And once I was friends with them, I started to see how they liked to use me to make themselves feel better.  It was usually verbal or being asked for “favors” over and over and used, basically.  Used emotionally for the most part.  And, yes, I offered up friendship and got to know them well but I never asked anything of them except friendship.  When I saw that the friendship they offered wasn’t good for me, it was quite hard on them.  I never felt a lasting closeness to them.  It was like all the time I knew something wasn’t right.

But then once I started working, I met girls who were genuinely nice and who had their own life and didn’t need me to be their friend.  They didn’t ask me for anything continuously or try to critique me just so they could feel superior.  After I finally snapped out of my depression and started getting my life on track, I didn’t realize how much time I wasted on the wrong people.  Now I have the right people in my life and it’s just so, so much better. 

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Please teach me gently, how to breathe November 27, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 3:57 pm

Today is my second post of the week, as proposed last post.  I’ve just gone “jogging” today, after having a couple days off.  I really jog for maybe less than ten minutes out of the whole thirty that I’m out there, but I’m training.  I’m not a solid runner yet.  I’ve done this off and on since Summer, so I’m not really a pro.  Yet. 

I had a good Thanksgiving yesterday;  I ate once, then twice with the leftovers and now I’m back to the diet.  I’ve changed that up a bit too and now I’m not eating the bread, eating more veggies, and I feel lighter.  Of course, I’m still the same weight so, that whole I’m not going to worry about what the scale said bit will come in handy.  It doesn’t move.

It turns out that I don’t have ulcers, and just the gastro disease that means I have to take the medicine each day.  That’s good, especially since, as my Mister pointed out, it means I’m not trying to one up my dreaded ulcer.  My body will flair up if it feels like it and it’s not from anything I am or am not doing. (Aside from making sure I diet and exercise, as I have been.)

I have one week until I’m back with him too.  I’m so excited!  I have to clean this place up and finish up my classes but I’ll get it done.  I have to pack too.  I know what I’m taking but the washing and the stuffing into my suitcase is another event for the week.  At least I have his presents packed up and ready to go.  I just have to wrap when I get there.  That’s okay though.  Shopping for wrapping paper will be fun. 

It’s so wonderful how my life has changed so much.  I was thinking about how people find someone to be with, get married, have kids, stay around Florida, have the normal life.  But for me it’s different.  I was destined to go on the adventure across the pond to live.  I keep thinking about all the things that await me there.  Even the simple option of having a job and a job I love is there, among all the other great things that come with being with my Mister.  It’s a whole new life.  How many people get to say they can totally get up and get a new, better life after 30 years of monotonous nothing.  I was training then too, just like I am with my running.  I’ll keep going on the track and get better and better at running on it.

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And I’ve done things in small doses November 14, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 5:33 pm

It’s weird how the temptation to get down on yourself shows up.  First it starts with some little insecurity.  You contemplate it for a day or two then you finally try to get it wrapped around your head that it’s all right.  But in the meantime, while analyzing it, you decide, nope, not okay.  That’s then when the self criticism gets a little hook to sink into you.  That’s when you have to toss it off all together or you’ll let it manifest;  drag you down.  I’ve seen that happen time and time again in myself.  I never know why or how before.  Now I recognize it and can walk away.

I’ve been so frustrated and cranky lately.  Before it was just my weight and my absolute inability to stop eating (or so I thought).  Then I realized I’m just by myself.  I always hated to admit that word “lonely” because it sounds so pathetic and vulgar, but that’s what it is.  I don’t have anyone to hang out with while my Mister is so far away, so it’s just me day in and day out, trying to make the time go by.  This weekend, it just got to me. 

And now I’m writing a blog post instead of doing my homework. 

It’s been a few days since I started this post and now I’m a lot better than I was.  Still, I have something that is plaguing me in a bad way and I’m not sure what to do about it.  It’s very girlie and cliché to talk about dieting and losing weight;  I understand that.  But every day it’s a whole battle.  I lost weight before, when I smoked and had nothing in my life but myself to obsess over.  Now, I just can’t not eat.  I try.  I count my Weight Watcher points, I go to the gym, but it’s not enough. 

When I lost my weight the first time, I realized that you really do have to be mildly anorexic to get any results.  This just isn’t an option for me anymore.  I’m hungry.  I want food.  I’ve taken the stuff that makes you want less food;  it made me sick.  My doctor told me that it spikes your blood pressure and, hence, I had a massive, horrible headache after taking it.  Exercise is good, yes, but you have to work your ass off to get any results, and then you waste your hard work eating something that tastes good.  It makes you feel even worse, like you still lost the battle.

So I’m not sure what to do now.  I’m not overeating at all, I’m sincere about this.  But I’m still sitting in between two pesky pounds.  When I do go to the gym, all I get is 2 extra points for walking 30 minutes.  Same as if I jogged and walked.  Pointless to jog, so I quit.  I can’t eat anything that isn’t from the grocery store.  If you get a Subway sub, it’s almost as many points as getting a cheeseburger from Wendy’s.  Again, pointless.  Both have vegetables so in the dieting game of “I want to eat and not drive myself crazy” you just can’t even think about having something that’s not pre-packaged, low fat, non-fat, low sugar, less calories, etc. etc. 

Yes, it is maddening.  I mean, I feel like the whiniest, weakest person for not being able to eat just one regular meal for the day and have something small every other time I’m hungry.  And when I say small, I mean, half a can of chicken noodle soup, or a handful of Special K crackers.  And maybe if I trained myself to do it, I could eat less.  But right now, it just isn’t happening.  I look at all these food commercials they have on television now and think, “How can these places still be in business?  Lord knows, none of us can eat this junk!”

Anyway, that’s just my body mass, self control, obsession I have now that I had to get off my chest.  I’ve though about another diet other than Weight Watchers;  maybe that would work.  All I know is I just can’t not eat.  I eat low fat, but I still need food.  Since I’ve been sick from my ulcer, not having anything in my stomach after a while makes it flair up, so even if I have a piece of toast, it’s got to be eaten or I get sick.

I’m not sure what exactly to do, but I’m tired of being so upset at myself about it anymore.  Maybe it’s just the plateau that everyone goes through.  Maybe I should walk an hour every day instead.  I don’t know what else would help, but what use to work just doesn’t anymore.  I still say finding happiness makes that self sacrificing bug leave us.  And I think that’s good.  But when you want to reach a goal for yourself and you just struggle and struggle with yourself, it’s quite emotionally tiring.  Happiness is way more fun.  I probably shouldn’t even let any of this bother me anymore but the possibility of getting overweight again is just something I want to risk.

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