she knew she had to change her plans

And I’ve done things in small doses November 14, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 5:33 pm

It’s weird how the temptation to get down on yourself shows up.  First it starts with some little insecurity.  You contemplate it for a day or two then you finally try to get it wrapped around your head that it’s all right.  But in the meantime, while analyzing it, you decide, nope, not okay.  That’s then when the self criticism gets a little hook to sink into you.  That’s when you have to toss it off all together or you’ll let it manifest;  drag you down.  I’ve seen that happen time and time again in myself.  I never know why or how before.  Now I recognize it and can walk away.

I’ve been so frustrated and cranky lately.  Before it was just my weight and my absolute inability to stop eating (or so I thought).  Then I realized I’m just by myself.  I always hated to admit that word “lonely” because it sounds so pathetic and vulgar, but that’s what it is.  I don’t have anyone to hang out with while my Mister is so far away, so it’s just me day in and day out, trying to make the time go by.  This weekend, it just got to me. 

And now I’m writing a blog post instead of doing my homework. 

It’s been a few days since I started this post and now I’m a lot better than I was.  Still, I have something that is plaguing me in a bad way and I’m not sure what to do about it.  It’s very girlie and cliché to talk about dieting and losing weight;  I understand that.  But every day it’s a whole battle.  I lost weight before, when I smoked and had nothing in my life but myself to obsess over.  Now, I just can’t not eat.  I try.  I count my Weight Watcher points, I go to the gym, but it’s not enough. 

When I lost my weight the first time, I realized that you really do have to be mildly anorexic to get any results.  This just isn’t an option for me anymore.  I’m hungry.  I want food.  I’ve taken the stuff that makes you want less food;  it made me sick.  My doctor told me that it spikes your blood pressure and, hence, I had a massive, horrible headache after taking it.  Exercise is good, yes, but you have to work your ass off to get any results, and then you waste your hard work eating something that tastes good.  It makes you feel even worse, like you still lost the battle.

So I’m not sure what to do now.  I’m not overeating at all, I’m sincere about this.  But I’m still sitting in between two pesky pounds.  When I do go to the gym, all I get is 2 extra points for walking 30 minutes.  Same as if I jogged and walked.  Pointless to jog, so I quit.  I can’t eat anything that isn’t from the grocery store.  If you get a Subway sub, it’s almost as many points as getting a cheeseburger from Wendy’s.  Again, pointless.  Both have vegetables so in the dieting game of “I want to eat and not drive myself crazy” you just can’t even think about having something that’s not pre-packaged, low fat, non-fat, low sugar, less calories, etc. etc. 

Yes, it is maddening.  I mean, I feel like the whiniest, weakest person for not being able to eat just one regular meal for the day and have something small every other time I’m hungry.  And when I say small, I mean, half a can of chicken noodle soup, or a handful of Special K crackers.  And maybe if I trained myself to do it, I could eat less.  But right now, it just isn’t happening.  I look at all these food commercials they have on television now and think, “How can these places still be in business?  Lord knows, none of us can eat this junk!”

Anyway, that’s just my body mass, self control, obsession I have now that I had to get off my chest.  I’ve though about another diet other than Weight Watchers;  maybe that would work.  All I know is I just can’t not eat.  I eat low fat, but I still need food.  Since I’ve been sick from my ulcer, not having anything in my stomach after a while makes it flair up, so even if I have a piece of toast, it’s got to be eaten or I get sick.

I’m not sure what exactly to do, but I’m tired of being so upset at myself about it anymore.  Maybe it’s just the plateau that everyone goes through.  Maybe I should walk an hour every day instead.  I don’t know what else would help, but what use to work just doesn’t anymore.  I still say finding happiness makes that self sacrificing bug leave us.  And I think that’s good.  But when you want to reach a goal for yourself and you just struggle and struggle with yourself, it’s quite emotionally tiring.  Happiness is way more fun.  I probably shouldn’t even let any of this bother me anymore but the possibility of getting overweight again is just something I want to risk.


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