Delor.es.Defacto

she knew she had to change her plans

My heart keeps beating like a hammer. June 18, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 12:23 pm
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So I’m back from vacation. And being as I am with keeping things private on this blog, I’ll just say that I had a wonderful time. It was hard to leave and now I’m sitting here, back in Florida, with the heat, the allergy attacks, the boredom and the being alone stuff. Yup, my life is on its new direction; it just will take some more steps to get to the next path. I’m excited about it though. I truly am. You know, after waiting 30+ years for your life to finally have some meaning, you want everything to be sped up and begin all fresh and new immediately. But it takes time to shed the old skin and form a new one.

That’s been something I’ve really come to realize recently; how much change is necessary. Granted, the ones you love need to stay in your life, but situations, places, routines; they all have to be changed in some way or the other. I’ve had to let go of a lot of old junk, old friendships, old habits. It’s not to be mean to anyone, it’s just to be good to myself. I know where I’m going now and I feel very good about it, so not going out, not caring or complaining or worrying or blogging…that’s all unnecessary to me anymore.

But I still like my blog and I haven’t written in it for a while, so now’s the time to do so. I’ve lost my job again. Yeah, I know, the pattern is getting ridiculous. It’s because I can only find temporary work these days. And I know the whole change thing is fine, I just really liked my last job and the people I worked with so it was a downer when I was told that, more than likely, I wouldn’t be able to come back at all now. I was taking over for someone and then it looked like they were going to be going away again, so I was a candidate for re-employment after a short period of time. (Hence, I took my break, rested, relaxed and enjoyed my time away from the desk.) But when I went in to visit and show pictures from my trip, I was told that, nope, my position probably wouldn’t be available again. Oh well, back to the drawing board.

So I’ve started looking for jobs, yet again. Just like I did for a year before that job finally worked itself out. I’ve figured that all I can do is my best at applying and searching for work and when it shows up, it shows up. I can’t force employment. I’m not the only one in this situation right now and I’m certainly in a better position than some people are. At least, for right now, I don’t have a mortgage and kids. Going through an “economic crisis” with that going on; I understand how hard that must be, but at the same time, I’m glad it’s not me in that position. I have my family to help me out, Unemployment, school loans which paid last month’s rent and bills, and hope for employment in the near future.

So while I’m not working, and looking for work, I’m busy at my Librarian classes. I was thinking that I didn’t have any way to pay for classes if I didn’t work, or if I did work, I could only pay for one at a time and then it would take me three years (at least) to get finished. But, luckily I did get some financial aid loans (yeah, I know, even more loans).

But with my new classes, I have something to work toward each day. Otherwise I’d have nothing productive to do with my time. And day after day, without anywhere to go, or anything to do, that can make one feel completely detached to her surroundings; which is about where I am now. I don’t have much, other than my family, that I really care about sticking to anymore. It’s another part of the change in my life; I’m going to move out and move on soon and this time in between is a bit stagnant. And it’s the knowing that I’ll get there and the knowing I belong there that helps me get through this time here.

My library classes for the term are a bit of a bear, just because it’s summer and everything is crammed within a shortened semester. But, again, it gives me that push to do something each day. There’s a lot of reading to my core class and the electives class still has to get going (we’ve just gone through the introductory week) to see how much of a workload I’m looking at for each week. I’ve been assigned a “professional” blog too, which I started. It’s in lieu of a research paper, which is a cool concept, so each week I have something to post, something to modify, and relevant blogs to research. So since that little beauty is up and running, I think I’ll use that for my “professional” site after this class is over. Then I can write details about the work and training aspects that I have going.

Now, with all the basics covered, and the blog all updated and themes changed, etc. I think I’ll close my post for now. Who knows, maybe I’ll post more often. I know I have the time on my hands, it’s just all in the desire to write in this kind of style. The need for the blog comes and goes. Even my need for writing has diminished in many ways because of my feelings of fulfillment and contentment. Not that I don’t want to write at all, just in different formats. Happiness. Who knew that it could be this nice, this easy, this great and this life changing?

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=102

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