she knew she had to change her plans

So small I’m almost standing outside. February 29, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 4:56 pm

I’m filling out an application for a community college. It’s one I’ve filled out a million times before for no real reason. This school’s human resources department doesn’t keep applications online for whatever reason and, instead, you have to fax or mail a paper application for every job for which you apply. Some stroke of luck made them email me today with attachments of the two part paper application in Word document form. Now I am filling them out online and can at least keep the stupid thing on file so whenever I apply for another job with them (to go along with the 20 other jobs I’ve already submitted my profile to) I can print this up.
Now all I need to do is figure out how this new all-in-one fax machine, printer, copier, scanner thing works as far as actual faxing goes.

So I messed with EntreCard and I think I got it working but I still have no idea how to get AdSense to work at all. Nothing displays. I’ve tried the AdSense Manager and just the code given to me by Google but, it’s worthless. I don’t understand channels and nothing I investigate on what channels are will give me a simple explanation. It’s always, “A channel is used for and you create one this way and you optimize them this way…” Way too much bother for one thing. I don’t even understand what it does so I can’t even want to learn about it. It’s not a link exchange obviously and disabling my pop-up blocker and spam software is totally not worth it to me, just to show a 180 pixel sized box on my site somewhere. Sigh…

The applications have been filled out and apparently I can send a Word document via the FAX machine in “print mode” or I can, as I had to with my most recent application, scan twelve individual pages and then send them via FAX. Oh well, at least it’s done.

The blog entry title is something random I picked up from my Tilt CD that’s sitting on my desk. The lyrics are appropriate seeing as I’m driving myself crazy with being in the house ALL. THE. TIME. “Pismal little pad. So small I’m almost standing outside.”

Maybe I’m having that single girl crisis where she stops and realizes that all of her friends have a relationship but her. It’s unfortunate, but since as long as I can remember, in my days of being “the tall girl with the glass” (I wear contacts and only stand at 5’7″ now, by the way) my girl friends told me over and over that I had to do something to land a boy. Our whole world revolved around hair styles and clothes and parties and being attractive to boys. I was always the one in that weird in-between place. I wasn’t the nerdy girl that the preppy girls made fun of (even though the nerdy girl, Amy, was, honestly, just as pretty as the preppy girls) and I wasn’t the preppy girl like my best friend and our clique. I was the funny one. The entertainment portion of the day. That’s the only way I ever knew how to be. That never works with guys. The smart, nerdy guys that I liked, were pining for the preppy girls. The dirty, hot, bad boys of the group were the ones the preppy girls ran after to no avail. The bad boys hated me and I hated them.
Now it still works the same way. I hate the alcoholic scum bag guys that I find in mass amounts at the club. The nerdy ones are still after the sexy, pin-up girls that they never could get in elementary school and I’m just stuck in between. I’m like median girl; not bitchy or nice, sarcastic but polite, angry but not hateful, opinionated but not rude, cute but not beautiful, not fat or thin, funny but annoying, smart but weird, creative but insecure. There is no section for me to fall into so I can finally feel comfortable. So the boys run out of availability and the friends move into their position as they snatch up the desire to have a comfortable, “normal”, life. Where do I fit in?
At least I’m blessed (and cursed, honestly) to have that desire to be left alone most of the time. But it does create huge disconnects with the rest of the world. I’m not able to be around people for long periods of time because it exhausts me and wears me thin. I have to take days to recuperate from a lot of social activity. You can’t fit in when you’re always running for cover.
So that’s a big thing I’m trying to deal with right now. It’s all a manifestation of being by myself so much, without any resemblance of companionship in site. I’m just plain bored with no one to sit and talk to once in a while. I’m plain annoyed because I don’t have anyone’s attention. That’s what drives me mad. I can’t be entertaining to anyone if I don’t have an audience. No one to talk to about books and movies and television and music and computers. No work, no club, no money, no boyfriend. Just me in my little apartment that I actually started cleaning this week because I needed something to preoccupy myself.
My bathroom has never looked better. Unfortunately it took a lot of money to buy bathroom decor at Target but now I have a new black and white theme going on in there along with the new black sheets I found on clearance, not to mention all the Converse stuff that I limited in my purchases… I want all of it! It makes me want to cut my hair in an asymetrical bob and hang out downtown on a weeknight. Sigh…

I got a flyer on my door this morning saying that when I renew my lease for April, I’ll get that first month’s rent free. Here’s hoping I get some school loans and one of these office jobs soon enough so I can reap the rewards without worrying constantly. At least that’s a big hunk of cash off of my mind. I also got my FPL deposit back so I didn’t have to pay for my electricity this month. But I still don’t understand my damn phone bill. I changed service so I wasn’t paying as much money for long distance that I didn’t need and now, this month, my bill is only $4 less than it was before. WTH?

And I didn’t watch Lost last night. Oh well.

Photo credit: deloresdefacto


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