she knew she had to change her plans

So worry not, all things are well February 4, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 2:51 pm

Ah, and so the panic begins. I have applied to some sort of job online every day for eons now and nothing other than spam and credit companies and telemarketers have passed through my email and voicemail messages. What the hell am I going to do? I guess I will have to apply at Publix this week because I have no money whatsoever, I think my unemployment compensation has run out, I just got my W-2 form so I can file my taxes and get $50 or something back, then I have to apply for financial aid again because I have five more classes, one starting today, that I cannot pay for before I get my degree done.
Incidentally, the two classes I’m taking now are suppose to be my last classes for the program but my advisor says that I still need electives and my grad classes from UCF won’t transfer (and even if they did, it would only be one out of the three). But what the hell do they know? Last time I talked to them they said I couldn’t get any more money from financial aid because they only give so much money to students each year even though the amount they gave me only covered a couple of classes.
Again, it’s the constant beat down. I can’t just live my life, the way I want to. There are a special set of us in the world who get turned down at every possibility. Maybe that’s why they all turned to the life of a starving artist; there’s nothing else to do but express their pain and rejection in the world. Lord knows having a real job isn’t an option. Sigh…
At least my bills for this month are paid up. But the financial cul-de-sac keeps winding tighter. I can’t pay my loans or my credit cards. I just don’t have money to do it. It pisses me off too because all that money I paid before when I did have the money, even when I was using unemployment compensation funds to do it, was to make sure that I kept my credit in tact and didn’t have late fees to be swallowed up in. Now all the money I put into it is erased and I’m way over my limits in late charges and I’ll probably just have to file bankruptcy if I don’t get a decent job this year.
Why is it that I can’t get any work? I even apply to secretary jobs that offer $10 an hour and require only a high school diploma. I must have been blacklisted from all workplaces.

Now, the problem I have with money is all relative. I won’t starve because my parents will make sure I’m fed but man does it come with a price. I’m berated, bitched at, accused of and made to pay some sort of toll for their love and support. It can never be simply out of love and kindness; I have to hear the list of all the things I’m doing wrong, be yelled at about how I am every negative thing a person can be, and when I fight back, I can never win. I will always be some helpless babe in my cul-de-sac. They have raised me to not fear being alone and helpless because they will always be there to support me but they also backlash that positive parenting strategy with the negative idea that I am a clueless child and I cannot do anything without their help. And so I’m sure that is my personality. I resent yet I retreat. I can’t be anything more than the poor little middle class girl who had a working mother and father, a baby sitter, a decent school, a nice home and anything I could possibly want. But that doesn’t always equal stability and happiness, now, does it?
What is it that the nurse tells Susanna Kaysen in Girl, Interrupted? “You are a lazy, self-indulgent, little girl, who is making herself crazy.” I guess that’s how the rest of the world sees me too. {shrug} But I guess there are lots of us running around. I mean most of our parents had to work so that we had what our parents didn’t have. Now some of us are just spoiled and have never had to work hard or worry about being homeless before. The end result is that now we are so self absorbed that we don’t want anyone or need anyone to fight our good fight. Being raised to be independent is great but being torn down when you need help isn’t. But parents are people too; they don’t sit outside of their families and see what’s happening. They are as selfish as the rest of us. At least their children were raised to know better than to put their own family through the same kind of crap.

Photo credit: charlesbodi


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