Delor.es.Defacto

she knew she had to change her plans

I will replace the noise with silence instead January 28, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 3:33 pm

Let me get back to the basics here and finally update.

I started a post last week, then the Heath Ledger thing happened and the next few days were just weird. I wasn’t in the mood to post and I wasn’t in the mood to try to find something interesting to write about. Hence, no post.

I was going to talk about how my Ex’s brother started hitting on me on AIM that same day and how I was appalled that someone could get that delusional that they would go as far as to even think of trying to get me to go out with them when I’d known them for 15 years and use to be in a relationship with his older brother, hence making my Ex’s little brother, my pseudo little brother at the time. Weird as hell and not that important in the long run but it was the only material in my life worth writing about. Then I lost interest and never finished the post about it. Oh well. The whole gist of the thing has now been explained and I can move on.

I have this week to finish my current grad class. That means two critiques and my final, rough draft to post by Friday and at some point I am to speak to my professor on the phone about my work. I have no idea what this conversation will entail or how I should think to prepare for it (As I told the girls, what am I going to do, explain to my professor that my story ideas are based on my obsession with men on television because I have no real one in my life right now? I don’t even want to go there.)

Then next week I start my first Thesis class, have no money to pay for it, haven’t applied for financial aid for this school year (even though my university said they can’t give me any more money anyway; for whatever reason) because I haven’t gotten my W-2 in the mail yet. It’s probably sitting at my old school and no one is going to bother to send it to me because they’re nice and courteous like that. Sigh…

So in all Bridget Jones fashion, I’ve made a list of what would be nice to have if I could have it:

  • Job: preferably something in the writing field, working for a magazine or newspaper, freelance is nice but I’d like to have somewhere to report to each day. A column would be nice, an office, a purpose, a decent salary, some travel, some social networking and something I could be proud of.
  • Friends: would be nice if I had something to do once in a while that didn’t make me sigh at the idea. The club makes me sigh. I’m just over it but it seems there’s nothing else to do and no where else to go.
  • Weight: 30 lbs. needs to go and soon. I’m looking like Tyra Banks these days, without the extra modelesque inches of height. Too bad my chubbiness does not make me look as cute as it does on Renée Zellweger whom I would not mind looking like for obvious reasons (life is so unfair.)
  • Relationship: preferably someone I could be best friends with to begin with as well as a girlfriend to. Not constantly together but that comfortable understanding that neither of us are going anywhere. I’ve never had that because no one has ever wanted me to factor me into their life in any real way.
  • Boredom: needs to not be as present, hopefully social life, job and boyfriend will remedy some of this epidemic.
  • Independence: must hold fast to as tightly as possible.
  • Money: not a lot needed, just some to pay for rent, bills, clear up credit (which is not fairing well with each monthly missed payment), food and tuition.
  • Writing: here’s the thing; I was writing in about six different things at a time, then I became zapped and lost all interest. Now I’m trying to get back into the desire to do it fervently but it’s either the blog isn’t interesting, or the story’s deadline isn’t until the end of the week, or the essay idea is dumb, or the journal isn’t fun at the moment. I know ADHD is one thing, but my handwriting analysis said I have the disposition to start a bunch of projects, get really into them, and then abandon them when they don’t seem as exciting as they did at first. I’m still saying it is a weird perfectionist thing. When it doesn’t turn out the way I envisioned it, then I fail to continue on a seemingly flawed path. But, whatever, it’s the thing I do and I do it. Hopefully the difference between how I see it and how I project it are good enough for whatever audience I may have.
  • Future: the white picket fence, the husband, the room of one’s own, the writing, the travel, the contentment; all will be mine some day, hopefully.
  • Self Esteem: see all of the above for points in this favor.

Oh yeah, and Lost starts up again on Thursday. Apparently they’re showing an enhanced version of the Through the Looking Glass episode on Wednesday night at 9PM. Cool.

Photo credit: LOC

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=65

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3 Responses to “I will replace the noise with silence instead”

  1. […] post by DELOR.ES.DEFACTO.COM Share and Enjoy: These icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers can share and […]

  2. necrophagus Says:

    nice blog u got here

  3. Thanks. I appreciate it. 🙂


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