she knew she had to change her plans

I lost myself because I am just a cloud January 12, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 4:24 pm

Today Vox asks: “What are you most grateful for in your life right now?”
I have a few basic things that I can answer with such as: my parents, my friends, my apartment, my food, my computer, my classes (they keep me in check), my story ideas, my health and my hope.
Hope that the negatives won’t stay for much longer such as: no job, no money, no debt, no boyfriend, no material worth substance to actually try and publish, no real drive from day to day, no real life that excites me and keeps me confident.

So my title and the picture: How do we get so lost in our own misdirection?
I’ve thought about for the past week or so about how I am stuck in self criticism. I guess that’s why I work in writing and instruction, because it’s so detail oriented. I lose myself in details constantly but to a point that it’s hindering. And I don’t think this is just something that I do naturally, usually I have a constant thought of self reprimanded of every single thing I do or think or feel or write, etc.
And I’ve decided that a.) I’m just too sensitive to opinions of others b.) I need someone else to approve of me so I feel some kind of self justification and c.) People are just freaking mean to me.

Now I know that sounds whiny and dramatic but I get this kind of thing all the time. If I don’t have a job, I’m criticized for not trying hard enough or something being wrong with me for no one hiring me and how I have to work harder to find something and I’m fooling myself in thinking it’s just going to work out and I’m going to have to take a crappy job at a grocery store because that’s all I can get because things just suck for me and I have to deal with it. But if I apply for jobs that I see online, I get some kind of freaking comment like, “You don’t want a job like that. You can’t work on Saturdays. Why would you drive all the way to Maitland for a job? Why would you want to work there?” and so on.

When I do work, or do apply, I get some kind of comment about how I just don’t measure up to a standard and I have to be “trained” or tossed out. I’m sure it’s been ingrained in me since birth that I am an unlucky person who just serves the purpose to be used as a whipping board. I’m sure that’s why I cut my circle of friends down to a handful. I just am not received well and it’s frustrating. I’m a target and the most manipulative, condescending people see me as the perfect person to lay judgement on. I try to fight back but I end up just having to walk away because I can’t prove myself to anyone. No matter what I feel is right for me, the minute I walk out the door, someone, somewhere is going to say that I’m dumb for doing it.

I just applied for a job at a little paper and they told me I didn’t have a good enough camera and my photos weren’t anything more than of “coffee table quality.” See, why ya gotta say it like that?

Not to be hypocritical about it; I realize that I give people my two cents. But I usually try to be positive about it and not just say something mean to them because I think they need to know “the truth.” And maybe this just makes me different from everyone else. Or maybe I’m not the only one. Does anyone else out there feel like they’re constantly running the risk of having some half assed comment thrown their way? I can see if you’re harming yourself but I’m not doing anything that is detrimental to me or anyone else; bottom line.

And I’m talking about someone commenting about everything about me. It’s been like this since as long as I can remember. My hair, my clothes, my perfume, my shoes, my tastes in music and books and movies and what guys I think are cute. Someone always has to say something about anything I tell them about. And maybe it’s just because I am an only child and I don’t have that sense of an ally somewhere in the world. Granted siblings can drive you nuts, so I’ve seen and heard, so can boyfriend and husbands. But why do people tell me, or anyone else, their conflicting thoughts on my life?

Anyway, I’ve long known that I become an easy target for people like this anyway because I apparently invite spirit breakings because I just don’t treat people the same way. Am I the only one who gets this kind of thing?

Photo credit: silent_notice


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