she knew she had to change her plans

I’m bone broke. Broke as I’ll ever be. November 6, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 3:19 pm

I kept checking the mailbox because supposedly my student loan money was coming to me. Since nothing showed up yesterday and it had been since Wednesday when my money was finally “posted to my account”, I called my school today and found out some disappointing news.
I am in a 10 course, 20 month program for my MFA. Well, I had gotten money from my first few classes but now that this new “term” has started (in October) a lot of money was to be given to me to pay my classes and then the rest sent to me for books, spending, etc. Money that I freaking need. Well, according to the lady I spoke to today, I will only have $800 left over if I choose to have them hold my money and pay for each class, every two months. I could also opt for them to take out the $2000 for the class I’m currently taking (which is listed as a late payment thanks to my loan disbursement being backed up because of my professor not posting the grades on time; thanks a bunch) and then have the remaining money sent to me.
Also, since the school is only allowed to give me so much money in a 365 day period, my last class to get my MFA wouldn’t be paid for anyway and I’d have to “find another source of payment.” Yeah, I don’t have money to pay my credit card bills, let alone pay $2000 for a freaking class.
I told them to pay for my class now and send me the rest of the money. I’m getting a check for half of what I should be getting for a full term of graduate classes and that doesn’t even pay for all of my classes! If I get a job by the time the loan money runs out, after I pay my rent, my utilities (thank God those are paid for this month already) and the other bullshit that I’m behind on, then I can keep paying for my classes.
And I have no idea if I’ll be eligible for more loans for next year. As far as they’re saying I’m not, which is total bull because every professor and friend that I’ve had who went on this extended education track, said that they took out scads of money to complete their education and are still paying on those loans. But it was worth it.
So I’m at a crossroads and ready to freak out. The loan money should have been way more than what they’re giving me as far as the paperwork I filled out indicated. With only a handful of cash and a constant urge to shop, I’m really worried about being able to finish this degree. If I end up working an hourly wage job then I will prove to myself, once again, that an education and a determination to better oneself is worthless in the eyes of the general public.
I’ve searched for jobs that require a B.A. and found nothing. I was hoping that, at least, with an MFA under my belt, that I could go the community college instructional route, as I’d planned, or even be a curriculum specialist or something that was in my education and experience range. (But, of course, all of those things need extra education and certificates to go along with it and apparently that’s pointless too if you can’t get hired on, pay for your classes, or keep your job.) Now this hope is turning out to not be as logically possible as I’d hoped.
Totally freaking sucks, especially, if I have to end up working at Publix with a bunch of high school kids who have no education. Wasn’t the desire to do something with yourself suppose to be the right, smart choice? What a sham.
I’m not expecting to make a ton of money or anything like a computer programmer or an engineer or something would make but, shit. I should at least be able to stop categorizing myself as on the verge of a welfare recipient.
I guess that’s just the flaw of doing what you want to do with your life. You starve through your economic crisis and all you have left is your priceless integrity.
Now all I can do is keep working on my own stories, trying to get published, writing for the lit journal, writing articles and reviews for free to add to my portfolio (as Dave suggests) and waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I’m just so freaking sick of stuff not working out. I try to not look at things in such a negative light but when I hit these barriers I wonder what signs I didn’t see. I hate feeling naive; like I should have done something else, saw the signs earlier, pushed something else or stood still instead of being so stubborn to get my way. Then when I can’t get what I want, I get pissed at myself and wonder if I’m just doomed to be paranoid and taking a step of trepidation in every direction.

And on a side note, did anyone think that if this girl can be running around making videos then she must not be too anxious about traveling? Just something to think about.

Also, Laura’s work disabled the Flash player so they can’t watch YouTube videos anymore. We had to have a moment of silence on that one. She wrote me an email saying, “I feel numb…”

Photo credit: emacs1969


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