Delor.es.Defacto

she knew she had to change her plans

Under a blood red sky. August 28, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — deloresdefacto @ 5:03 pm

I stayed up until four in the morning and the moon outside my window didn’t look anything like this. It wasn’t even covered up enough to tell there was an eclipse when I saw it. Oh well.
So Laura has been doing the online dating thing in NY and one would think that there would be tons of guys running around that city just looking for a nice girl to settle down with. Apparently there are and they’ve already found someone else. What’s left over are the ones who are clueles about dating and women and who are the type that end up, as she put it, nice to the point that it turns you off. At first I didn’t think I knew what she meant because, come on, I’ve never met any guy that didn’t have a streak of asshole in them somewhere. But now I understand what she’s getting at.
My mother always told me that no relationship is equal and from what I’ve seen, there is someone who is always the alphadog. I have seen the nicest guys end up with these take charge, self professed bitchy girls and they are completely comfortable with it because their decisions are made for them. With a girl, especially with me, I pick the take charge guy. I was just raised that way. I can fight and scream and tell him what an asshole he is, but I am way more comfortable with a guy making the decisions. The problem I find is that I’m in the middle as far as bitchiness goes and I give guys the upper hand when they really want me to order them around. So the power struggle goes in circles for about a year and then they run off to some girl who stands right in front of them saying, “You’re going to be my boyfriend now.” Why the hell can’t I be one of those girls?

Anyway, Laura wants someone to be more spunky and I agree with that one, but I am not going to have someone I fight with or discuss ideals with in a debate because, frankly, I don’t have the energy anymore. I’m tired of this stupid boy’s club mentality I come across constantly where I have to prove my intelligence. I’m not saying this to be a snob, believe me, I’m just saying that no smart man looks up to a smart woman. They cut me down to size and ridicule anything I say or do to show me I’m not all that, rather than going, “yeah, you’re right” and letting it go. And it probably is me, because I tend to find guys who will do that kind of shit. (Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever come into a conversation with any guy who didn’t do that at some point.) So where the hell do I go from there? I guess I’ll just have to deal with it and set him straight. What the hell else can you do?

I don’t even know how girls even find guys anymore. It’s obviously not by clubbing or working or going to school. I use to think that if a girl wanted to find someone they would; one way or the other. Like I told Laura, at least now that she’s out there dating and looking, maybe she’ll be more apt to glancing around once in a while on the subway or at Starbuck’s and catching the eye and starting a conversation with some cute guy.

Granted, of course, he’d probably be married with three kids, but still.

I keep hearing that more women are waiting to get married so maybe it isn’t a hopeless cause. It just sucks that on one hand we agonize and analyze everything in a potential relationship and it’s good that we aren’t just settling for whatever pompous ass we run into. But on the other hand, we’re sitting around thinking about it so much that nothing we expect is going to pan out in real life. Girls who have found someone they’re happy with tell me that they aren’t what they thought they wanted. So why even bother caring? I guess, as Laura and I agreed, you’d feel it in your gut if it was right or not. You would know off the bat if you could see yourself dating them or not. Laura said her test is if she wants to kiss them. If she has no desire to, then she knows it won’t work. There have been a million guys that I’ve wanted to kiss in my lifetime and if I don’t want to then it’s not going to happen. The thing is, the ones who approach me are the ones I end up getting use to and end up having some kind of kissing situation with. No, I take that back. The last few guys who I got to have any interest in me were totally by my own designs. Eh, maybe I’ve got something going on after all.

Too bad they all run off to the girl standing in front of them saying, “pay attention to me now.” Damn those available, assertive girls.

Anyway, so work is not happening. All I get are wishy-washy temp job, minimum wage call backs from the two million resumes I’ve sent out. I’m sitting here with a Bachelor’s degree, twelve graduate credit hours, work skills and decent references and yet, no job that will keep me from needing government assistance. I’m not terribly worried about it because I know something will come about at some time (it always does) but man, this staying at home thing is great and all but I’m freaking bored. I try to read or write or do something to cut my days into manageble pieces so I’m not so restless. I mean, I sleep whenever the hell I feel like it, get up at all hours of the day or night and do exactly the same thing. I want a job at an office so I can wear cute clothes and meet smart guys and not be totally stressed out so I can read and write and do the important stuff when I get home. Is that so much to frigging ask for in life?

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=14

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