Please teach me gently, how to breathe November 27, 2009

Today is my second post of the week, as proposed last post.  I’ve just gone “jogging” today, after having a couple days off.  I really jog for maybe less than ten minutes out of the whole thirty that I’m out there, but I’m training.  I’m not a solid runner yet.  I’ve done this off and on since Summer, so I’m not really a pro.  Yet. 

I had a good Thanksgiving yesterday;  I ate once, then twice with the leftovers and now I’m back to the diet.  I’ve changed that up a bit too and now I’m not eating the bread, eating more veggies, and I feel lighter.  Of course, I’m still the same weight so, that whole I’m not going to worry about what the scale said bit will come in handy.  It doesn’t move.

It turns out that I don’t have ulcers, and just the gastro disease that means I have to take the medicine each day.  That’s good, especially since, as my Mister pointed out, it means I’m not trying to one up my dreaded ulcer.  My body will flair up if it feels like it and it’s not from anything I am or am not doing. (Aside from making sure I diet and exercise, as I have been.)

I have one week until I’m back with him too.  I’m so excited!  I have to clean this place up and finish up my classes but I’ll get it done.  I have to pack too.  I know what I’m taking but the washing and the stuffing into my suitcase is another event for the week.  At least I have his presents packed up and ready to go.  I just have to wrap when I get there.  That’s okay though.  Shopping for wrapping paper will be fun. 

It’s so wonderful how my life has changed so much.  I was thinking about how people find someone to be with, get married, have kids, stay around Florida, have the normal life.  But for me it’s different.  I was destined to go on the adventure across the pond to live.  I keep thinking about all the things that await me there.  Even the simple option of having a job and a job I love is there, among all the other great things that come with being with my Mister.  It’s a whole new life.  How many people get to say they can totally get up and get a new, better life after 30 years of monotonous nothing.  I was training then too, just like I am with my running.  I’ll keep going on the track and get better and better at running on it.

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And I’ve done things in small doses November 14, 2009

It’s weird how the temptation to get down on yourself shows up.  First it starts with some little insecurity.  You contemplate it for a day or two then you finally try to get it wrapped around your head that it’s all right.  But in the meantime, while analyzing it, you decide, nope, not okay.  That’s then when the self criticism gets a little hook to sink into you.  That’s when you have to toss it off all together or you’ll let it manifest;  drag you down.  I’ve seen that happen time and time again in myself.  I never know why or how before.  Now I recognize it and can walk away.

I’ve been so frustrated and cranky lately.  Before it was just my weight and my absolute inability to stop eating (or so I thought).  Then I realized I’m just by myself.  I always hated to admit that word “lonely” because it sounds so pathetic and vulgar, but that’s what it is.  I don’t have anyone to hang out with while my Mister is so far away, so it’s just me day in and day out, trying to make the time go by.  This weekend, it just got to me. 

And now I’m writing a blog post instead of doing my homework. 

It’s been a few days since I started this post and now I’m a lot better than I was.  Still, I have something that is plaguing me in a bad way and I’m not sure what to do about it.  It’s very girlie and cliché to talk about dieting and losing weight;  I understand that.  But every day it’s a whole battle.  I lost weight before, when I smoked and had nothing in my life but myself to obsess over.  Now, I just can’t not eat.  I try.  I count my Weight Watcher points, I go to the gym, but it’s not enough. 

When I lost my weight the first time, I realized that you really do have to be mildly anorexic to get any results.  This just isn’t an option for me anymore.  I’m hungry.  I want food.  I’ve taken the stuff that makes you want less food;  it made me sick.  My doctor told me that it spikes your blood pressure and, hence, I had a massive, horrible headache after taking it.  Exercise is good, yes, but you have to work your ass off to get any results, and then you waste your hard work eating something that tastes good.  It makes you feel even worse, like you still lost the battle.

So I’m not sure what to do now.  I’m not overeating at all, I’m sincere about this.  But I’m still sitting in between two pesky pounds.  When I do go to the gym, all I get is 2 extra points for walking 30 minutes.  Same as if I jogged and walked.  Pointless to jog, so I quit.  I can’t eat anything that isn’t from the grocery store.  If you get a Subway sub, it’s almost as many points as getting a cheeseburger from Wendy’s.  Again, pointless.  Both have vegetables so in the dieting game of “I want to eat and not drive myself crazy” you just can’t even think about having something that’s not pre-packaged, low fat, non-fat, low sugar, less calories, etc. etc. 

Yes, it is maddening.  I mean, I feel like the whiniest, weakest person for not being able to eat just one regular meal for the day and have something small every other time I’m hungry.  And when I say small, I mean, half a can of chicken noodle soup, or a handful of Special K crackers.  And maybe if I trained myself to do it, I could eat less.  But right now, it just isn’t happening.  I look at all these food commercials they have on television now and think, “How can these places still be in business?  Lord knows, none of us can eat this junk!”

Anyway, that’s just my body mass, self control, obsession I have now that I had to get off my chest.  I’ve though about another diet other than Weight Watchers;  maybe that would work.  All I know is I just can’t not eat.  I eat low fat, but I still need food.  Since I’ve been sick from my ulcer, not having anything in my stomach after a while makes it flair up, so even if I have a piece of toast, it’s got to be eaten or I get sick.

I’m not sure what exactly to do, but I’m tired of being so upset at myself about it anymore.  Maybe it’s just the plateau that everyone goes through.  Maybe I should walk an hour every day instead.  I don’t know what else would help, but what use to work just doesn’t anymore.  I still say finding happiness makes that self sacrificing bug leave us.  And I think that’s good.  But when you want to reach a goal for yourself and you just struggle and struggle with yourself, it’s quite emotionally tiring.  Happiness is way more fun.  I probably shouldn’t even let any of this bother me anymore but the possibility of getting overweight again is just something I want to risk.

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More alive than you’ve ever been October 28, 2009

I’m sitting here, waiting for the Ares rocket to go up, and I figured I’d start this long, overdue blog post.  It’s hot and muggy outside and I can’t believe it’s almost Halloween.  I’m going to be so glad to move and be around some decent weather for a change.  (Actually, there are thousands of reasons why I’m glad to be moving;  this is just one of them.)

So what’s happened lately?  Well, a lot of things I guess.  There were plenty of things I wanted to mention in the times where I wasn’t writing, and of course I forget all they were now.  At first I thought I’d write to complain.  Then I thought I’d make another list.  I have no idea where this will go, but I’ll update nonetheless.

First off, I’m sick of dieting.  Sick of it because I’ve gotten to a weight I can’t get past.  Even if it looks like I’m going to drop a pound, it shows right back up by my weigh in day.  I’ve stuck to the Weight Watchers, I’ve exercised and yet I’m at a plateau.  I never had that problem before when I dropped all that weight.  But then again, I also didn’t have this 35 extra weekly points, plus exercise points to swap, like I do now.  I think eating 21 points a day and that’s it, is the only way for me to lose.  And that’s so annoying because I want to eat these days.  Before I could go without eating a lot, now I just can’t.  It’s like sleep;  I start getting worried that I won’t have enough of it.  So like in the afternoon I think, “Okay, I can eat something work 6 points” but then I think, “but in the afternoon I will only have so many points left and I’ll be hungry.  What will I do then?”  Goes the same way with sleep.  I’d go to sleep super early because I’d worry that I wouldn’t be able to get to sleep and then now have enough.  Plus my job was so ridiculously monotonous and boring that it would almost panic me to think I’d be tired on top of that.  Like a torture device;  being tired and not allowed to sleep.

Second, I had to stop talking to my friend.  Now I’ve been going on about how I’ve changed, and I really have.  So there was a lot of distance between us to begin with, because we’d both gone into different directions.  It wasn’t anything major, it was just the normal course of life.  At least that was how I interpreted it in my logical sense of things.  In all honesty, I was the one who was slighted first because I wasn’t working and she had all the time in the world for her work friends and never wanted to hang out and do things with me.  If she did, it was with her friends too, so clearly I wasn’t that important to just spend time with.  But the thing was, I’d known that girl for years through my best friend in high school.  When my best friend’s antics became increasingly worse and it started involving drugs and drinking the mental problems she had exploded and I had to stop being around her.  That’s how I started hanging out with my recent friend more.  And it was simply circumstantial.  We wanted to go to the club, we wanted to stay up and watch movies, it was a fine friendship. 

But the thing with me and my gal friends has always been that I know when it’s time to go in another direction.  I’ve never been the kind to put friends over a significant other (not that I had one during my twenties, but I never understood why women thought their friends were the lasting ones and guys would come and go;  isn’t that kind of backwards to the way things are supposed to be?)  Anyway, so as my friend found her husband she still had me come visit but it slowly became into something I knew wasn’t giving me anything back.  It just seemed like she would invite me over so she could ask me to do something for her.  Or, if she’d invite me over she would sit and yell at her husband, or me, or interrupt what anyone said to her, cussing at everyone, being condescending, barking orders, etc.  She never really acted like she wanted to spend time with anyone, she just though complaining and arguing was the way to behave.

So then I’d stop calling.  She would call twice a month, then once a month.  Every time she did, I’d come over, we’d watch TV, she’d tell me all her complaints about her husband or someone in her family or anything else that bothered her.  Then the next day or so, she’d call and ask me to do something for her.  So I finally accepted, after all these years of seeing the signs of manipulation and inviting me over around holidays, that she wanted me to do house sit or so something for her.  Just ridiculous things like that.  Again, I’d never ask her to do a thing, yet I was constantly called for “favors.”  So wrong.

When I met my Mister, I realized what kind of negative effects she had on me and I needed to be away from her to enjoy my courtship with him.  I didn’t want to be some angry, shouty, critical person.  I wanted to be the friendly, sweet person I knew I was inside (and who my Mister saw in me.)  When I started working, I realized that there were nice Christian people in the world who acted the way they should.  They didn’t shout, or criticize or expect you to do things for them all the time.  I ended up having people in my life who were kind and supportive and genuine.  I’d never really experienced that before.

When my friend wouldn’t call on Saturdays, I’d be relieved.  I’d text her and say, “no, sorry, can’t come over” and I just knew I wasn’t going to go over there anymore.  I eventually stopped talking to her, yet she’d still leave me voicemail asking if I could do something for someone in her family, or if I can come and take care of her pets because she and her husband wanted to go on vacation.  After I hadn’t talked to her and saw that this was her only urgency in wanting me as a friend, I knew the time for our fun and closeness was over and had been over for years.  When we’d first been around her, me and my high school friend saw these annoying traits in her.  Once I got to know her, I brushed them off and they weren’t as over the top.  Over the years they just progressed into more and more angry strife that no one wants to be around.  I felt bad for hurting her but I finally had to tell her that she was unbearable to be around anymore, to which she thought was ridiculous and out of the blue.  I know it’s hard to be confronted, and I told her I didn’t like doing it but I really hope it’s helped her marriage and her relationships with her friends at work.  All of us have said something to her at one point, but she just goes around contradicting everything anyone says, cursing at them and worrying about how they can serve her.  I only wrote her a short email and was as gentle as possible about making her aware of how she treats people.  I told her that she’s right, I’ve changed and for the better.  I don’t sincerely believe she didn’t realize I had pulled away from her completely and had for years, and that she never asked people to do anything for her.  I think it was all tricks of guilt and manipulation and, again, it’s strife and negativity and anger that I want no part of in my life anymore.

{wipes dust off of my hands}

Thirdly, I’m in my in-between time.  My changing point.  My waiting period.  I have my whole life with Mister to look forward to, but that won’t begin until next year.  Until then I go back and forth to work as they need me (right now they don’t need me.)  I also have my classes I’m still working on and I procrastinate so much on them and I know that has to stop soon too.  I’ve got to get that rebellious spirit out of me;  the one who doesn’t want to do things just because she has to.  But I’m so much better than I was, because of all this stuff going on in my waiting period.  I’m not depressed, I’m not angry or bitter.  All that junk I had carrying around with me is gone, thank God.  So all I can think of is how great my life is, even with Mister across the ocean, I’m happy.  And we have such a great future.  Wow, it’s just amazing, all of it. 

This is what I wanted in life.  I wanted that closeness with my life partner, my companion, my best friend.  That is the important part of life and having it is wonderful.

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Talk like an open book August 29, 2009

 

There’s something to having a blog that doesn’t have your name directly linked.  It’s not that I talk about anything I wouldn’t talk to with someone I saw directly, I just like having the freedom.  There’s a nice, easy feel to knowing I have a blog that’s just for me, just to write down what I think and feel, without someone coming into work saying, “Hey, I read your post last night.”  Not that it really matters, but still.  Privacy is always the better option.  Plus, I need to write all the time so not having a blog where I write openly is not an option.  Hence, I keep my veiled existence over here for just me and my mister to know the truth about. 

It’s weird how I can make myself do what I need to do in the morning.  I guess I have been getting into bed at a good time.  It’s better than dreading the day and wishing I could be home to take a nap.  I guess my attitude is always the main thing to keep in check.  If I think it’s awful, it will be.  If I don’t, it won’t. 

Tuesday means not Monday.  I keep getting ready earlier than I need to be, which is good.  Less rushing around, trying to get on the road by 7:00PM.  So I have a little over a month of work, so that’s some money coming.  Then I got word that my Student Loans will deposit some extra cash in my account.  I’ve decided to take this as a sign to pay off these piddley credit cards.  Now, the consolidation loan, I just can’t pay.  I’d have to save and save and then pay off in, oh, who knows.  But I can make a plan and a budget and get on the right track.  One of the girls at work suggest I read Dave Ramsey’s book, so I ordered that.  I started listening to him on the radio on the way home as well.  At least I know that there’s hope, I’m not the only one with this problem and there are people in worse shape than I am. 

And now it’s Saturday, which brings me to the end of my blog updating.  I didn’t write much during the week, unfortunately.  I’m still playing with this used Blackberry Curve 8310.  I changed out the housing because the back button, to the right of the trackball, was chipped.  Plus the screen was dusty inside.  It just needed a bit of an overhaul.  I’m not 100% pleased with my housing and handy work right now, as the trackball doesn’t like to go left as easily as it should.  I’ve also discovered that the screws are old, presumably, and the head of them got stripped out when I tried to get them out.  Now I’ve ordered new screws, pink housing and a silicone case to match.  Here’s hoping I get it sorted and am happy with it in the end.  At least it works well and I have plenty of things I can do with it.  I mean, the Yahoo mail and Facebook applications are enough to make me content.  It was mainly the ease of texting.  The Pearl 8100 I have was just driving me crazy.  At least now I have a full keyboard, can see my pictures with the larger screen and make videos (whenever I get a chance to try that option out, I can post that too.)

Aside from that, work has been okay.  It was hard for me on Friday to get through the day because it was the end of my first full week back.  I had sleepy eyes from the start, especially since I had stayed up a bit later playing with this silly phone.  If I get to sleep too early, I’m tired the next day.  If I sleep too little, I get that hazy, dream-like feeling.  Only with seven hours sleep can I function well.  It’s easier to fight off the halogen lights overhead, the lack of windows, the lack of noise in the place, and the constant staring at a bunch of numbers on a computer screen.  I started listening to podcasts on my iPod instead, just so I can have something feeding and entertaining my brains while I sit there.  I try to not count down the hours that I’ve worked or still have to work.  The clock never moves fast enough if I do.  I try to just keep my mind of the work and what I’m listening to and let time take care of itself.  Some days it’s hard though.

So that’s about all that I have for the physical, daily side of my life.  I’m still on my diet, still trying to get rid of the weight I gained over the past year or so.  I was eating my salad tonight and thinking about the correlation between happiness and weight.  You’re miserable and loathe yourself when you’re too big.  Then when you lose weight and get smaller and smaller, it’s like another misery.  Never being small enough and having to keep working until you’re satisfied.  Now, when you’re content and happy, a nice, medium, healthy size is what we, or at least I, end up being.  So it’s not too big, but it’s not as small as I could be.  And when I’m okay with that and am working at it little by little, still keeping strong in the ways of eating right, then I’ve won any battle that has to do with food.  I understand how hard it is, when there are things that taste so good and you just can’t have it anymore.  Before, I ate Burger King and pizza and didn’t care.  Now I can’t do that anymore and I’m smaller.  My clothes fit better.  I’m happier to dress up when I go to work because I have a better, all around appearance. 

I still think I should write my book on lessons I’ve learned for myself.  Granted, the blog serves as this outlet for discussing such things, but a book would work if it had that distinct focus.  Hhmm…

Anyway, I’m trying to think of what else to talk about in here.  I’ve not gone to the gym as much because of work.  That concerns me a bit because it also means I’m not reading as much either.  (At least I have the podcasts though.)  I won’t spend this weekend doing much.  I’m still trying to download applications for the phone and finding something good on TV (there’s never anything good on, I have to admit).  I’ve been in the mood for Fall now that it’s around the corner.  I keep thinking about the times when the air was cool and crisp, and I was out getting pies from Honey Baked Ham.  I like those memories, but I like that I’ll have new ones in the future.  I was thinking that in the bath tonight too, about how, miraculously, when we get older and wiser we stop caring about such stupid things.  The past doesn’t matter as much, our insecurities, or worries, none of them are really as big of a deal when we get more mature.  I’m glad of that.

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Everybody just want to play the lead August 22, 2009

I’m going to start this blog post now and post it whenever I get ready to do so.  Maybe tonight, maybe Friday, maybe not until the weekend.  I’ve had a bit of a rejuvenation in my post interests, which is usually how it goes.  Post a few, stay a way for a while, post once, wait…  But I’ve been having the feeling of being in high school, or even elementary school again.  Like when the time at school always seemed fun just because I had other things of interest that I could think about while I sat at a desk around my friends. 

I got my call back to work last Friday and I started back yesterday (Wednesday.)  It was a complete surprise since the whole space program is going topsy-tervy very soon.  People are getting laid off and our company is going from one thing into two, uncertain companies next year.  So just being able to hang out for a little over a month is nice.  Get some money, hang out and be around everyone again.  Have some motivation from day to day.  Yeah, it’s like going to school.  Like the first week of school when it’s familiar but new all at the same time and you feel excited for that second chance at something you’re use to.

It’s Friday now and I’ve had a good first few days back to work.  I couldn’t start on Monday this week so I only have three days in so far.  But the rest of the weeks, I’ll have all of my 40 hours in, but no overtime.  Since, again, the company is going into a new phase next year, I’m not sure what will happen now that the first set of people will be leaving around the same time I will. 

Now on Saturday, I will post this entry.  It’s nothing much, but it’s better than letting the blog sit here for months at a time without any action.  I got the Blackberry Curve in the mail from Ebay, so I have to set it up with the Twitter mobile options and such.  (No, I don’t have the Blackberry account set up;  just the basics.)  Once I get it figured all out, I can use it to Twitter some more from work or something.  And everyone loves Twitter.  Ha ha.  I looked into getting my Tumblr account updated with everything else.  I found it was way too hard to keep messing with all the mirror sites and cross posting.  Just the basic ones are going to have to be okay for me.  The whole purpose is to keep things less cluttered, more manageable.

Anyway, i think if I do write something each morning, I can do all right with keeping things updated.  Granted, there’s not much to say about work.  I sit at my desk, sort papers, enter things in databases.  Nothing really is going on since the Space Program is dwindling down.  Well, I mean it’s starting up in a new direction, but it’s not with our company, so once the shuttle goes, a lot of people will go.  People are already going, my Dad included, so it’s already beginning;  that whole change over into a new, uncertain chapter in Space Exploration.

The only other mention I have is with friends again.  One of my friends from high school is someone I still talk to once in a while in email and texts.  And I just can’t let that go any further.  I can’t go visit, I can’t really participate in keeping a lot of communication up.  It’s just the same things with her and I cut off ties with that a long time ago when I realized how it was hindering me rather than anything.  This is the same with my recent break off of friendships.  I had to just let that go even though I knew it would probably upset her.  But when it came right down to it, I had nothing to connect with her on anymore.  She wanted me to do things for her constantly despite what I had going on in my own life.  And I’m not the type to confront anyone if they’ve hurt me, so I just let the whole thing go.  I’ve thought about it a lot lately, but once I got back to work, I realized I was only thinking about it because I was just out of productivity mode.  Once I started using my time wisely, the revelation came that I’m doing the best thing for me and I shouldn’t feel guilty.  None of my separation from any former friends is to be cruel, it’s just that I’m a different person and the connection of common ground isn’t there anymore.  I don’t want to be yelled at, cursed at, used as a doormat or an outlet for negative babble.  I’m a happy person and I want to be surrounded by happy people.  What I had before was far from happy and I have no intention of going back.  I have clear goals in mind.  No one in my past was supportive or caring to begin with, I was just the one who didn’t put up a fuss.  Now I just don’t want to say anything to them anymore.  Past things don’t have much impact on me anymore.

Well, aside from the dream I had about my Grandma last night.  I called her on the phone, I was going to visit her in Ohio.  I remember in the dream, I was trying to make it be her voice I heard on the line, but it’s funny how voices get removed from our memory.  We have to hear them again to remember.  I think my Great Uncle had the last video of her before she died, and I remember seeing it long ago.  Who knows where that stuff is.  It could still be in that house;  the house that my Great Grandparents raised their family in.  I miss Ohio a bit for things like that.  I won’t mind when my parents move back after Dad leaves work and I can get out of Florida in my own direction. 

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Whatever you want, the choice is yours, so choose August 11, 2009

{Deep breath}

Okay, in order to update in a reasonable manner, I’ll have to make a list.  I can expand on the list, and comment on the list, but a list will have to do.  This is my list of what’s happened in the last couple months and what I’m planning on getting done in the near future.

{Another deep breath}  Here goes…

• Found out that I have (at least one) ulcer. 
  • Ever since I had my problems with my gallbladder, what, 3 years ago, I’ve woken up to this horrible, empty belly pain.  Turns out that once it got worse, then wouldn’t go away, meant I was in trouble.  I tried to get the hospital to help me, no good.  Went to a doctor, who wouldn’t take the pain away, but gave me Nexium to take.  Now that I’m almost done with that month and a half’s supply, I feel quite good now.  I just know when the signs show up, to heed them immediately.
• Went through my summer term at library school.
  • I got that all over with and now will start again at the end of August to work on three classes for Fall term.  This has turned out to be harder than I thought it would be, but I keep on.  I like it and I feel accomplished in it, plus I’m doing the core classes anyway, which is a lot of techy stuff.  I’ll get through it though and be done sometime in Fall/Winter of next year.
• Started online Weight Watchers
  • Due to the ulcer business, I knew it had to be done.  I thought the online program was going to be stupid, but it ends up quite the contrary.  I like having it keep track of everything I eat, and my exercises all in one handy, dandy web interface.  It’s definitely a life saver.
• Enrolled in teacher classes.
  • I’m not as jazzed about this as I once was, but I’ll give it a shot.  If I end up a school librarian, it will be good for me.  Plus, it may be transferrable (the Professional Certificate) when I go somewhere else, so I’ll do it.
• Got back on Unemployment Compensation.
  • After trying to call them for 2 months over a “just a couple of days” situation, I finally got my benefits sorted, so I have something coming in again.  I’m still trying to stretch my financial aid money out as much as possible.  If I find a job, even if it’s another temp job, my benefits are extended so, it’s a nice thing to rely on until I get my lovely future librarian job.  Ahh…
• I may get another aerospace job.
  • I’ve talked to two recruiters who could place me into a job like I was doing, or even doing administrative assistant/clerical type work.  My only limits to this search are location;  I figured out that driving all over Central Florida for a low paying job did not make it worthwhile to my bank account.  Granted, if that’s all I can get, it’s all I can get.  But still, I’m not up for the long commute.  I use to like driving but now in my 32nd year, I’ve decided it’s pretty boring and I’d rather not be in the car too long anymore.
• My birthday is coming up!
  • I really just want a nice dinner and some things to go toward my trip in December to see my Mister.    Since it will be cold, I’m more inclined to get some Ugg boots and a nice coat.  I’d like a bigger suitcase too.  The ones I have from when last time are fine but having one to contend with instead of two may work out better.  We’ll see.  All I know is, I can’t wait!
• I think I’ve stopped needing to write.
  • Amazing how happiness can make you not need to write down every minute detail of your life.  It’s amazing too how, as I always say, I’m on a side road;  leaving the highway I was on, going towards a new one. 
  • It’s not that I don’t have that desire sometimes, like that memory of how I use to have to write all the time.  It’s not that I want to quit all together or that I don’t think it’s worth it.  It’s just not a desperate need anymore.  It’s more of an accomplishment, a polishing off of the day. 
• I have no desire for my life as it was either.
  • There is nothing in me that wants to go out and do what I use to, or be who I was, or even hang out with who I did.  It’s not because of anger or malice in anyway, it’s just something unfruitful to me that had to be cut off.  People change, and I’ve done a huge, wonderful amount of it.  I’m still amazed at how much I’ve changed and thankful for it every day.
• I can’t let go of this blog though.
  • For whatever reason, this blog holds an outlet for me to just type and express my thoughts.  Granted it was a big ball of widget mess a while back, and I’m not using all the account I once had that goes along with this blog.  Heck, I haven’t even gone through and cleaned up all of my links.  But still, here it is, my blog that I pull up occasionally to rejuvenate its timeline.

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=110

The soul for getting down June 26, 2009

If there is anyone who epitomizes my generation, it’s Michael Jackson. This isn’t from out teenage angst years, this is from our youth. That time when we were all alike and we all liked the same music. I remember wearing my Thriller album out and having to get another one. I remember watching this video over and over again. I remember having not one, but two, Michael Jackson Barbie dolls who was cooler than Ken any day. I remember Michael Jackson being the most amazing thing on television and knowing all the words to every song. A big part of my childhood was about his music.
I heard on the news this morning that people in my age group won’t think of Michael Jackson as the weirdo, or the alleged offender. We’ll think of his music and his icon status. I think that’s accurate. He was someone who brought great joy to us of our 80s generation and despite all of his problems and all of his eccentricities, we still were mesmerized by seeing him on stage.
I still believe he had a gentle soul and simply could not handle the real world. I don’t think he had the capacity to harm anyway and I think he was a target for exploitation and thieves who took advantage of him. This may or may not be true, but we’re not the ones to judge him. Now none of that matters anyway.
So Rest in Peace, Michael. I’m glad you are finally able to be free from any pain you had in life and are finally able to be yourself without scrutiny, shame or loneliness. You will be dearly missed and always in our hearts.

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=107

My heart keeps beating like a hammer. June 18, 2009

So I’m back from vacation. And being as I am with keeping things private on this blog, I’ll just say that I had a wonderful time. It was hard to leave and now I’m sitting here, back in Florida, with the heat, the allergy attacks, the boredom and the being alone stuff. Yup, my life is on its new direction; it just will take some more steps to get to the next path. I’m excited about it though. I truly am. You know, after waiting 30+ years for your life to finally have some meaning, you want everything to be sped up and begin all fresh and new immediately. But it takes time to shed the old skin and form a new one.

That’s been something I’ve really come to realize recently; how much change is necessary. Granted, the ones you love need to stay in your life, but situations, places, routines; they all have to be changed in some way or the other. I’ve had to let go of a lot of old junk, old friendships, old habits. It’s not to be mean to anyone, it’s just to be good to myself. I know where I’m going now and I feel very good about it, so not going out, not caring or complaining or worrying or blogging…that’s all unnecessary to me anymore.

But I still like my blog and I haven’t written in it for a while, so now’s the time to do so. I’ve lost my job again. Yeah, I know, the pattern is getting ridiculous. It’s because I can only find temporary work these days. And I know the whole change thing is fine, I just really liked my last job and the people I worked with so it was a downer when I was told that, more than likely, I wouldn’t be able to come back at all now. I was taking over for someone and then it looked like they were going to be going away again, so I was a candidate for re-employment after a short period of time. (Hence, I took my break, rested, relaxed and enjoyed my time away from the desk.) But when I went in to visit and show pictures from my trip, I was told that, nope, my position probably wouldn’t be available again. Oh well, back to the drawing board.

So I’ve started looking for jobs, yet again. Just like I did for a year before that job finally worked itself out. I’ve figured that all I can do is my best at applying and searching for work and when it shows up, it shows up. I can’t force employment. I’m not the only one in this situation right now and I’m certainly in a better position than some people are. At least, for right now, I don’t have a mortgage and kids. Going through an “economic crisis” with that going on; I understand how hard that must be, but at the same time, I’m glad it’s not me in that position. I have my family to help me out, Unemployment, school loans which paid last month’s rent and bills, and hope for employment in the near future.

So while I’m not working, and looking for work, I’m busy at my Librarian classes. I was thinking that I didn’t have any way to pay for classes if I didn’t work, or if I did work, I could only pay for one at a time and then it would take me three years (at least) to get finished. But, luckily I did get some financial aid loans (yeah, I know, even more loans).

But with my new classes, I have something to work toward each day. Otherwise I’d have nothing productive to do with my time. And day after day, without anywhere to go, or anything to do, that can make one feel completely detached to her surroundings; which is about where I am now. I don’t have much, other than my family, that I really care about sticking to anymore. It’s another part of the change in my life; I’m going to move out and move on soon and this time in between is a bit stagnant. And it’s the knowing that I’ll get there and the knowing I belong there that helps me get through this time here.

My library classes for the term are a bit of a bear, just because it’s summer and everything is crammed within a shortened semester. But, again, it gives me that push to do something each day. There’s a lot of reading to my core class and the electives class still has to get going (we’ve just gone through the introductory week) to see how much of a workload I’m looking at for each week. I’ve been assigned a “professional” blog too, which I started. It’s in lieu of a research paper, which is a cool concept, so each week I have something to post, something to modify, and relevant blogs to research. So since that little beauty is up and running, I think I’ll use that for my “professional” site after this class is over. Then I can write details about the work and training aspects that I have going.

Now, with all the basics covered, and the blog all updated and themes changed, etc. I think I’ll close my post for now. Who knows, maybe I’ll post more often. I know I have the time on my hands, it’s just all in the desire to write in this kind of style. The need for the blog comes and goes. Even my need for writing has diminished in many ways because of my feelings of fulfillment and contentment. Not that I don’t want to write at all, just in different formats. Happiness. Who knew that it could be this nice, this easy, this great and this life changing?

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=102

Completely untitled blog entry March 28, 2009

I don’t even feel like writing in this blog, but I will.

I started writing this post a long time ago and never got around to publishing it. I’ve written a few things in Word at work but never got around to publishing anything either. So…here’s me going into a blog entry. I’ve not updated the version of WordPress I have, nor have I updated any links, pictures, plugins, etc. As shocking as this may sound; I have other things to do! (Finally!)

So here I am, normal, typical Saturday afternoon. 82 degrees outside, warm, humid air blowing into the living room via the patio. The cat is happy. He sits just so his body is inside with the air conditioner, but his head pokes outside to get some fresh air. He’s a smart cat; too bad he’s just full of misbehavior. But anyway…

I’m doing my same old routine as I use to when I first started getting heavy into my blog. Sitting here without anything else to do but get into my head and pile it out on paper. I also had to look for a job. I’m doing both again today. The job I have now has, as all jobs do, their goos points and bad points. First of all, I’m only on temporary contract via the temp agency, so I’m supposed to be ending my position at the end of next month. But there’s still talk by my coworkers as to why they (the managerial directors who are only referred to by name and never seen) wouldn’t just “keep me” until the whole space shuttle thing is over. (Even though now Congress has said, yes, we can extend the space shuttle for a while, there’s no word if the White House will keep its trend of saying “no” to that or not.) While the job is good, just having the job is excellent, and I really like the girls I work with, I am okay with moving into something else if I have to. There’s so much time allotted to monkey work that I feel tortured by sitting in my desk, ready to fall asleep. I work in a very quiet, very big building with few windows and lots of smart, quietly efficient engineers. They aren’t full of chitter-chatter; they’re full of keeping to themselves and doing work. If they do talk, it’s about work. All of this is good. However, when I’m being trained and I know a slim amount of what the job entails, I am not able to do all the things the other girls do with the engineers. All the acronyms and space talk gets put over my head really quick. But I am catching on somewhat, and I’m encouraged to keep the job in that respect. But, if it’s not meant to be that I stay there, then I won’t fret about it too much.

Which brings me to my entry pic up there. I’ve begun graduate classes online for a Master’s of Library and Information Science degree. It occurredto me last year that being a librarian would be up my alley, so I went ahead of applied to a school that does distance learning. Now, being that we’re in recession, I haven’t been able to get any school loans, so I’m lucky to have a job where I can pay for one class at a time on payments. Still, this is going to be a crawling effect if I can’t do this at a quicker pace by next (Summer) term, so hopefully something will come about that I’ll have money and loans. But again, however that will work out is not up to me.

Anyway, a lot of what I wrote at work that was in the best interest of the blog, was about librarian school. I’m super excited about it and have looked at jobs already that may hire me on before I have the degree; just to have me in there doing what I want to be doing. So, as I knew beforehand, my life will change dramatically again one day soon. I’ll be working in a different field and I’ll be able to go somewhere other than Florida to make my way in this world. That is enough to get up every morning and sit in a little cubicle for; just knowing that while I wait, things are opening up in my future.

And on that note, I could get into a lot of personal stuff about how happy I am and how thankful I am that I changed myself and how my life has changed for the better. But I realized somewhere during the past year that talking about things, just to talk about them to just anyone (whether it be friend or blog) is only creating disturbance in mylife. Granted, when I wasn’t working I had zero outside interests for a long while. From like Summer of 2007 until 2008. But then things changed in me. I don’t want to go out and waste my time. I don’t want to complain and bitch and moan about anything that’s caused a concern in my life (like about work or school or whatever) because it doesn’t do anything but cause someone to have a window of opportunity to judge. Now I’m pulling myself further and further away from idle talk about any problems or random comments on things that spurn negativism. It’s not about trying to be bitchy or being cruel or uncaring to anyone I consider friends. I just don’t have that element in my life where I live in mental chaos and want everyone to know about it. (Thank God.)

People can change, and I’m living proof. Something just got inside of me and pulled out all of that past crap way of living. Now I don’t need to call someone and complain all the time. I don’t need to sit here and whine about anything to my invisible blog readership. It’s just not how I want to operate anymore. It’s a hard thing to get someone to understand, maybe, especially if they’ve known me as I had always been before. Depressed, angry, scared…all the things I thought I was supposed to be to be a writer, to be intelligent, to have purpose in this life. But I’m not anymore and if that means I’ll have a nice, happy contented life, then so be it. I’m not searching for anything to make me complete anymore. I have what I need and the rest of my life is just going to go in the direction that my happiness takes me.

So with that said, I’m back to making my lunch (I’m trying to diet again but I’m having a hard time wanting to be obsessed with how much food I eat every day.) I’ve not had the time to go to the gym as much anymore either (when you don’t work and have nothing else to do, it’s way easier to be obsessed with yourself, your diet and your exercise routine.) So next week I’m going to start going to the gym for a bit at lunch with one of the girls at work. It will be good for me to do, even if for a while, just to break up the day, see some sunlight and get some exercise.

This means I’m going to have to head down to the gym in my building today or tomorrow, just to have some productive time to myself. I guess the blog entry counts as productivity too, huh?

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=100

I know it’s all a rut, you want me to prove it to you November 12, 2008

This morning I was flipping through channels and I saw a Q&A topic up on the screen from the (stupid) Mike and Juliet show. It was for a guest (whose name is still unavailable online or in the show’s information) finance adviser. These people amaze me. I mean, aside from the obvious “you don’t understand my situation” aspect of “you have a job, and a nice paying job that requires you to be on television and I have none”, they don’t really have any good advice.
The question today was, “I am $10,000 in debt with credit cards and I’ve lost my job, what do I do?” Well, that was me. That was me for over a year. The financial adviser said, “Call the creditors and tell them your situation. They’ll understand. They want you to be able to pay them off. They don’t want you to go into debt. They’ll give you a temporary grace period to help you through this.”
{snicker} Yeah, right!
When I lost my job, even before I stopped getting paychecks, I called every creditor I had and told them I was unemployed. They all told me, “You still have to pay.” At least Discover offered that insurance bit for if you lose your job, and I tried to enroll in that but they said it was extra money added to my monthly bill and, yeah, I still had to pay because I had to have the insurance for so long of a time before it could go into effect. On top of that they said I’d have to get a written note from my employer about being fired, like an adult version of “please excuse my daughter from gym class” note. Ridiculous.
Even the Juliet chick on the show said, “But then why are they so mean to us (the creditors) when we call them.” The “financial adviser” said, “Because you didn’t tell them you were unemployed.” {snort} I still have creditors calling me saying, “this is a desperate situation and you need to redeem this immediately!” to which I reply with, “I have told your company numerous times for the past year that I am unemployed. I have no money. When I have money, I will pay you.” This, apparently, does not matter. I even have “official” sounding calls like, “we’re from a law office” (I looked up their number by the way on Google, and they’re a creditor, same as the others, and it’s no law office.)
I’ve commented before on the stupidity of some of these financial advisers. The one that killed me was some dark haired girl on a news show, telling this guy who was a full time public school teacher to “get a second job.” As if this girl had any idea how much of your life is sucked out through just teaching. The poor guy was single, had bought a house and just wanted to know if he should use his retirement to pay off his credit card debt. No, he shouldn’t, which I could have told him, because he’ll need that and the credit crunch is temporary. But to just say, “get a second job” like it was nothing was ridiculous in itself because, Hello there aren’t jobs to be had out there!
Where do they find these people anyway?
The moral of my entry today is to do what you think is right and don’t listen to anyone’s advice (this goes for finances as well as anything in your life.) No one knows more about your life and your circumstances that you. I hadn’t worked for over a year, and I had 10 or more calls a day about my credit cards and they aren’t even that large in comparison to what other people have to deal with. Even when I investigated debt consolidation, is said that paying what I could would still keep my debt as “bad” and not clear anything up. I’ve had no new credit cards, no new purchases, nothing except paying for food, gas, bills, rent, insurance, etc. I cannot imagine what families for four are doing with a mortgage and expenses for kids to go along with that. Sheesh.
So I wonder now that the whole world knows none of us can pay for anything anymore. Not the credit cards we used to buy furniture and moving expenses, not our school loans, not our car loans, nothing. I wonder if we’re going to all get some bail out option. That is, dear creditors, when we have the ability to take up these options and pay. There is no sense in being adamant about offering us write off payments when, Hello, we have no money!
I don’t know what that lady was thinking this morning when she said, “Oh just tell them you lost your job and they’ll help you through it. If that’s true, I want that lady to call my credit card companies and my loan companies and tell them that this is what they should do.” Maybe that will stop them from calling me all day and hanging up or “insisting” that I “call immediately” because my “situation is very important.” If it’s that important, then why didn’t they offer me to work as a debt collector at their office to pay it off. Sheesh.

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=98